Hi, I'm an ESFJ and my ISFJ boyfriend fell hard for me but I wasn't ready to be in a relationship since I had just come out of a divorce. He was so kind, sweet, and gentle but the stress built up over the year. I would at times be cold or say things that I didn't mean to.
We broke up once after a year and after a month of struggling we decided to try again. Unfortunately, he cannot let go of the past and when things are going well, he gets negative and brings up the past. I have sincerely apologized for everything and love him so much. It's been up and down for 5 months. He wants to get married but thinks I might revert back to how I was last year. Any advice??? Thanks.
Wow, this seems like a tough situation! Sorry I don't have better advice, but I hope things work out. I think couples counseling might be a good option here to help him let go of of what happened before and help reduce the ups and downs. Good luck, doll! xoxo
RobertCalifornia: TL thinks im black
RobertCalifornia: shes my homegurl
Hive: arent you
SpankyMcfly: wait... you arent?
thoughtlost: I am not really religious. I just like getting free stuff from churches.
As the both of you have suggested, I am being consistent so that he can see that it's okay to trust me.
About marriage, that's what makes him unsure about us now. He has brought up breaking up and starting over with a new person (without bad memories) numerous times but hasn't followed through.
As for counseling, I wish that were an option, but unfortunately I live in a society where it's not an option.
I will try my best, but how do I know when I should stop? Has he just changed? I'm feeling a bit discouraged.
Si dom with a strong feeling function may not be able to get over the past without time and effort. I have had an ISxJ tell me he thought once SJs are through with you, they are through. However my experience with SJ men actually is that they don't let go easily because they value the past, yet if you violate an Si dom trust they may be slow to give it again, they are not people who give out trust easily, but the upside is if they do trust you they are very loyal, and place that trust in you above most other people, IME.
ON THE OTHER HAND, you should also think of your self. He may be over punishing you, I have known Si dom men who were overly negative or critical, and if you do all that you can to reassure him, and he still criticizes you, that's not your fault, that's him playing martyr and being unfair. It's a form of power tripping, and you may want to give more specific examples of why he is being negative. If not, I respect your privacy.
"Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul." - Edward Abbey