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  1. #1
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    Default ISTJs, I need your advice...

    Hello...

    I am an INFP female and I had the most weird relationship of my life with an ISTJ male. We had a lot of bad moments because of several reasons. We were not so compatible on some things and without common interests. But somehow we both felt very attracted one by other since the first time we talked online. The first time we personally met each other it was so magical... I can't forget that day...
    During the time we built a bad relationship, but he was willing to try. He is very stubborn (as he used to say about himself) and we had a lot of bad moments through our conversations about world's issues (economic crisis and stuff), you know, different point of view, different beliefs and a different way of interpreting things about world, humanity and stuff and he definitely suffers because of these beliefs.
    But probably the bigger problem that we had it was the different language of love that we talked. I had a strong need to feel loved by him and he couldn't express his feelings in the way that I needed. So I felt neglected during the period we were together and emotional abused by him every time we talked about the things that he has strong and rigid beliefs. I think, we became competitive both of us somehow, even if we are not competitive by default.
    However I cared about him and I still really care and I am in love with him even if we have fundamental differences on some things. But he lost his faith in us, he doesn't care enough anymore (or not at all, I can't understand him), even if he cried a lot the day that he said me that he wanted to broke up with me (it was the first time that I saw him to cry that much...). I asked him many times if he is sure about his decision and he always said: "No. And I could never be sure". Nevertheless, he was adherent to his decision to throw out our relationship. He asked me to be friends, but I told him that I can't be his friend right now because I'm in love with him and I am not able to feel him as a friend.
    However, after 2 weeks in sillece we talk each other again (online) in friendly way, even if I feel uncomfortable somehow. I told him that I miss him and I still love him and of course that I still care about him.

    How I could help him to find his faith on us again? What I could do to fix our romantic relationship? How could I redeem him back?

    PS: He has depression and suffers because of that (I know so well how is to be depressed...) and some serious medical problems, he struggles with his addictions, he is completely alone, without friends and almost without any contact with his family and I want to help him somehow... I don't want to leave him alone... I want to help him with his life somehow...
    Last edited by Belladonna; 10-03-2013 at 01:35 PM. Reason: Corrections/additions

  2. #2
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    You notice a new restaurant and decide to give it a try and order a meal. It tastes good, but suddenly you realize it's actually rotten and moldy. Now what do you do?

    1) Eat it to show that even rotten food is still food and it would be shame to waste that with world hunger and all. You are thankful for having something to eat.
    2) Demand your money back and never come back because you don't want to support reckless food places.

    Deal the same way with people. Be open to new people, and give them a fair chance. If they treat you bad, let them loose. There are other people who'll make you happy. And who you can make happy in return.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  3. #3
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    Hello...

    I am an INFP female and I had the most weird relationship of my life with an ISTJ male. We had a lot of bad moments because of several reasons. We were not so compatible on some things and without common interests. But somehow we both felt very attracted one by other since the first time we talked online. The first time we personally met each other it was so magical... I can't forget that day...
    I know the feeling. I believe there's a strong magnetism between *STJ & *NFP types. Back in the days when I was looking for dates (online), I was always excited to meet an *NFP.

    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    During the time we built a bad relationship, but he was willing to try. He is very stubborn (as he used to say about himself) and we had a lot of bad moments through our conversations about world's issues (economic crisis and stuff), you know, different point of view, different beliefs and a different way of interpreting things about world, humanity and stuff and he definitely suffers because of these beliefs.
    This is to be expected. The most typical clashes between S & N is the communication of ideas. Coincidentally, communication of ideas is the most important part of any relationship. If this causes such a strong negative feelings between you too, and you are unable to solve them, there's little hope left for the relationship.

    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    But probably the bigger problem that we had it was the different language of love that we talked. I had a strong need to feel loved by him and he couldn't express his feelings in the way that I needed. So I felt neglected during the period we were together and emotional abused by him every time we talked about the things that he has strong and rigid beliefs.
    ST types generally show a lot less affection than NF types. However, they do a lot more for their partners than NF types. They express their feelings in a practical and in an everyday way. Some people are actually completely unaware of how much ST put effort to show their feelings. "I heard you like red, so I got you this red item. Here you go. ". "Don't worry, I'll do the dishes." "Sure, I'll change your tires.".

    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    I think, we became competitive both of us somehow, even if we are not competitive by default.
    However I cared about him and I still really care and I am in love with him even if we have fundamental differences on some things. But he lost his faith in us, he doesn't care enough anymore (or not at all, I can't understand him), even if he cried a lot the day that he said me that he wanted to broke up with me (it was the first time that I saw him to cry that much...). I asked him many times if he is sure about his decision and he always said: "No. And I could never be sure".
    One can cry for many reasons. If he's an ISTJ, like you claim, ISTJs really dislike breaking contracts. If there's one quantity in ourselves we value, it's dependability. And now he's literally saying "Don't depend on me anymore". It probably feels wrong and awful to him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    Nevertheless, he was adherent to his decision to throw out our relationship. He asked me to be friends, but I told him that I can't be his friend right now because I'm in love with him and I am not able to feel him as a friend.
    However, after 2 weeks in sillece we talk each other again (online) in friendly way, even if I feel uncomfortable somehow. I told him that I miss him and I still love him and of course that I still care about him.

    How I could help him to find his faith on us again? What I could do to fix our romantic relationship? How could I redeem him back?
    Why exactly do you want him back? You said yourself that you have fundamental differences and had a bad relationship. Are you really in love with him? Or could it be something selfish? Fear of being abandoned? Fear of being alone?

    Quote Originally Posted by Belladonna View Post
    PS: He has depression and suffers because of that (I know so well how is to be depressed...) and some serious medical problems, he struggles with his addictions, he is completely alone, without friends and almost without any contact with his family and I want to help him somehow... I don't want to leave him alone... I want to help him with his life somehow...
    If he's able to fend of his depression through your love, doesn't that make him reliant of you? Would you want him to be that dependant of you? Wouldn't that be addiction too? He needs some professional help to discover himself.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  4. #4
    Member Jstrazz's Avatar
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    I agree with @Habba. However, I think if you want him, don't give up. ISTJ's love persistence. Also, it seems like he has a tendency to push people away who get too close to him emotionally. It is very hard for ISTJ's with emotional/psychological problems to let people in. You may have gotten in because you love each other and that scared him. I would say keep being there for him. If you are looking for words of encouragement from him as that is your love language, I wouldn't expect much. Like @Habba said, he's going to express it through actions, not words. If you sit with him and spend time with him, not necessarily talking but just being in the same space, he will grow towards you. Tell him you are not going to give up and keep trying to win him over. If you think he is worth it, then don't ever give up. As far as views of the world go, he is an emotionally/psychologically unstable person: he's a cynic. Amen to that by the way. The world needs cynics. However, that means he is going to have very logical but radically depressing views of the world. With politics, its not about people but money and results, with religion, whatever he believes is law to him, with anything else its glass half empty Good luck @Belladonna

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