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  1. #1
    Member Hecuba's Avatar
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    Default ISFJs are annoying to have as friends?

    I can't count the time I nearly lost friends due to my pushy, if not jealous (though I am trying to get rid of the latter part) -- I don't know why but I'd go into overprotective mode and I'd want to guard someone against someone who is a love-interest of a friend (if that sounds weird). I always ask too many personal questions, I am like an interrogation officer. This has happened with THREE friends so far. The kicker is only once was I actually romantically attracted to the friend at hand. This was about three years ago, give or take a few months. But I just want to not see my friends get heartbroken (that one friend did, and bad) so recently I have done the same damn thing to another friend. I want my friends to be happy and to be successful but at the same time I am so jealously overprotective and I find anyone who is an "outsider" a threat. I always worry about every single possibility that could happen to them-- and it's always a bad scenario I am imagining. I was described by a thorn in the side by a good friend, yes I can be a thorn but I am a loyal one. I don't think I am a hateful person, hate is a strong, strong word. Maybe I am just always in overprotective mode and I don't just let things go with the flow, and leave things to fate. I have had one of the hardest weeks ever, and it was my fault for having a big mouth! I go from 0 to 60 to freak-out mode and this friend did not need that as he had a hard time recently as well. We hadn't talked in a few days and it's really, really hard. I know what I did wrong, and why I never got rid of that old habit of developing a loathing against someone I perceived as a threat -- the mind is a powerful weapon and it scares me how much I can conjure an idea of someone and a bad one. I wish I would never do this again, and that amends can be made. I have got rid of all the negative feelings weighing on my heart, as I know it is bad spiritually, physically and psychologically. I am not a bad person, though. I am someone with a very grave fault that I want to change..

    Okay is it just me or do other ISFJs suffer with this as well?

  2. #2
    Senior Member paisley1's Avatar
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    You're being unloving towards yourself and your friends. Setting some limits for yourself might help your relationships. Out of control loyalty looks like the issue, and you'll show you're loyal and loving towards your friends if you support them, but if you undermine their relationships, they'll only see contempt, and conspire against you. Know your place, and set a boundary. "I will let my friends screw up royally so they will learn." or "I will let this play out to realize I'm way off base." Either way, you're showing loyalty and love, and everyone learns.

    Some stuff in this book might help. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Whe.../dp/0310247454
    "Truth stands true, independent of whether you agree with it or not."

    "Don't let what matters least, matter most."

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  3. #3
    Member Hecuba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paisley1 View Post
    You're being unloving. Setting some limits for yourself might help your relationships. Out of control loyalty looks like the issue, and you'll show you're loyal and loving towards your friends if you support them, but if you undermine their relationships, they'll only see contempt, and conspire against you. Know your place, and set a boundary. "I will let my friends screw up royally so they will learn." or "I will let this play out to realize I'm way off base." Either way, you're showing loyalty and love, and everyone learns.

    Some stuff in this book might help. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Whe.../dp/0310247454
    Thank you! Yes, that is it. I had been too overprotective. I don't even want to repeat all the hateful words I have said to friends in the heat of frustration and over worrying myself about anything that could happen! Well, after what happened recently I don't intend to be nosy and invasive.

  4. #4
    Senior Member paisley1's Avatar
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    Ya, you see how you end up hurting yourself by not setting a clear boundary? I know you want to keep them from harm, but being supportive and letting them make their mistakes or realizing it's not a mistake, will be better for everyone. Remember that for the next emergency situation.

    Overprotective Loyalty is a crazy beast, and it can be overcome with a healthy view of what is mutually loving.
    "Truth stands true, independent of whether you agree with it or not."

    "Don't let what matters least, matter most."

    Extroverted (E) 50% Introverted (I) 50%
    Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 51.52% Perceiving (P) 48.48%
    8w9 EIE

  5. #5
    Member Hecuba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by paisley1 View Post
    Ya, you see how you end up hurting yourself by not setting a clear boundary? I know you want to keep them from harm, but letting them make their mistakes or realizing it's not a mistake, will be better for everyone. Remember that for the next emergency situation.

    Overprotective Loyalty is a crazy beast, and it can be overcome with a healthy view of what is mutually loving.
    Yep, well I will restrain such urges in the future, you know, it's been like a reflex. I've made mistakes, yeah and maybe it would have been nice to have someone protecting me but at that same hand I needed to make those mistakes. This one is just another example, yeah I can ruminate on other mistakes I have made, and energy I have wasted on grudges and hatred against people but that is another thing; I compare current situations to past ones, I am always looking for comparisons in my mind and connections to be made even imagined ones! The imagination is powerful. Then there is the fact that well, yeah people think I do not trust them but I do. I just think the worst always will happen!

  6. #6
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    No.

    It depends on the ISFJ, of course. If they're 16 and look down on you for being different than what they've always known, then yes, but as adults, if they are educated or well-rounded, they're not annoying.

  7. #7
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    P.S. I just read all of your post and noticed you are a very Fe-heavy ISFJ, almost ESFJ-like, though only you know how introverted you are IRL or how Si-centered you actually are.

    I would guess you just have a lot of Fe, and push on inferior Ne a lot (imagining all of the horrible possibilities, rather than interesting or positive ones like someone with a more mature placement of Ne, such as NPs or even some older ESxJs).

    Did something bad happen to you as a child to make your inferior Ne become such a problem? I know why I have so much Nazi-esque inferior Te, and it's because of being raised by an angry Te dom who made me feel like my Fi was a sign of weakness.

  8. #8
    Senior Member paisley1's Avatar
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    What is it like inside an Si Fe brain? I've read Si is like a storehouse of passed experiences that are constantly being echoed in the present. Seems fairly rigid and accurate in detail.....not bendy....how do you like change?
    "Truth stands true, independent of whether you agree with it or not."

    "Don't let what matters least, matter most."

    Extroverted (E) 50% Introverted (I) 50%
    Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 51.52% Perceiving (P) 48.48%
    8w9 EIE

  9. #9
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    I have seen you posting elsewhere, and I almost said this then, but, in light of this thread, I figured it should be said that I'm pretty sure you're an unhealthy enneagram 6. It's a very common enneagram type for people with a dominant introverted perceiving function (in your case, Si). I'd look into the enneagram, and specifically the health levels, in order to help out with your issues. It seems like you're pretty neurotic (i.e., you're regularly in the lower health levels). When you talk about coming up with all these different scenarios and what not, it sounds like your inferior Ne is out of control.

  10. #10
    Member Hecuba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmotini View Post
    P.S. I just read all of your post and noticed you are a very Fe-heavy ISFJ, almost ESFJ-like, though only you know how introverted you are IRL or how Si-centered you actually are.

    I would guess you just have a lot of Fe, and push on inferior Ne a lot (imagining all of the horrible possibilities, rather than interesting or positive ones like someone with a more mature placement of Ne, such as NPs or even some older ESxJs).

    Did something bad happen to you as a child to make your inferior Ne become such a problem? I know why I have so much Nazi-esque inferior Te, and it's because of being raised by an angry Te dom who made me feel like my Fi was a sign of weakness.
    Yes, you're right for the most part. I never had anything dramatically bad happen during my childhood. I am not saying I had it wonderful, but not bad in that way either. I've had some scary experiences though, maybe they affected me? You're right. I grew up with my parents fighting and threatening each other with death a lot though and I guess I started to "guard" myself and began to be over protective of any friends that I made as well. I'd protect anything and everything I valued, I'd get really mad when people would invade my personal space. I'd get angered if someone would touch something that was mine, etc.

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