• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

[ISFJ] ISFJs are annoying to have as friends?

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
I can't count the time I nearly lost friends due to my pushy, if not jealous (though I am trying to get rid of the latter part) -- I don't know why but I'd go into overprotective mode and I'd want to guard someone against someone who is a love-interest of a friend (if that sounds weird). I always ask too many personal questions, I am like an interrogation officer. This has happened with THREE friends so far. The kicker is only once was I actually romantically attracted to the friend at hand. This was about three years ago, give or take a few months. But I just want to not see my friends get heartbroken (that one friend did, and bad) so recently I have done the same damn thing to another friend. I want my friends to be happy and to be successful but at the same time I am so jealously overprotective and I find anyone who is an "outsider" a threat. I always worry about every single possibility that could happen to them-- and it's always a bad scenario I am imagining. I was described by a thorn in the side by a good friend, yes I can be a thorn but I am a loyal one. I don't think I am a hateful person, hate is a strong, strong word. Maybe I am just always in overprotective mode and I don't just let things go with the flow, and leave things to fate. I have had one of the hardest weeks ever, and it was my fault for having a big mouth! I go from 0 to 60 to freak-out mode and this friend did not need that as he had a hard time recently as well. We hadn't talked in a few days and it's really, really hard. I know what I did wrong, and why I never got rid of that old habit of developing a loathing against someone I perceived as a threat -- the mind is a powerful weapon and it scares me how much I can conjure an idea of someone and a bad one. I wish I would never do this again, and that amends can be made. I have got rid of all the negative feelings weighing on my heart, as I know it is bad spiritually, physically and psychologically. I am not a bad person, though. I am someone with a very grave fault that I want to change..

Okay is it just me or do other ISFJs suffer with this as well?
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
You're being unloving towards yourself and your friends. Setting some limits for yourself might help your relationships. Out of control loyalty looks like the issue, and you'll show you're loyal and loving towards your friends if you support them, but if you undermine their relationships, they'll only see contempt, and conspire against you. Know your place, and set a boundary. "I will let my friends screw up royally so they will learn." or "I will let this play out to realize I'm way off base." Either way, you're showing loyalty and love, and everyone learns.

Some stuff in this book might help. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
You're being unloving. Setting some limits for yourself might help your relationships. Out of control loyalty looks like the issue, and you'll show you're loyal and loving towards your friends if you support them, but if you undermine their relationships, they'll only see contempt, and conspire against you. Know your place, and set a boundary. "I will let my friends screw up royally so they will learn." or "I will let this play out to realize I'm way off base." Either way, you're showing loyalty and love, and everyone learns.

Some stuff in this book might help. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

Thank you! Yes, that is it. I had been too overprotective. I don't even want to repeat all the hateful words I have said to friends in the heat of frustration and over worrying myself about anything that could happen! Well, after what happened recently I don't intend to be nosy and invasive.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
Ya, you see how you end up hurting yourself by not setting a clear boundary? I know you want to keep them from harm, but being supportive and letting them make their mistakes or realizing it's not a mistake, will be better for everyone. Remember that for the next emergency situation.

Overprotective Loyalty is a crazy beast, and it can be overcome with a healthy view of what is mutually loving.
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
Ya, you see how you end up hurting yourself by not setting a clear boundary? I know you want to keep them from harm, but letting them make their mistakes or realizing it's not a mistake, will be better for everyone. Remember that for the next emergency situation.

Overprotective Loyalty is a crazy beast, and it can be overcome with a healthy view of what is mutually loving.

Yep, well I will restrain such urges in the future, you know, it's been like a reflex. I've made mistakes, yeah and maybe it would have been nice to have someone protecting me but at that same hand I needed to make those mistakes. This one is just another example, yeah I can ruminate on other mistakes I have made, and energy I have wasted on grudges and hatred against people but that is another thing; I compare current situations to past ones, I am always looking for comparisons in my mind and connections to be made even imagined ones! The imagination is powerful. Then there is the fact that well, yeah people think I do not trust them but I do. I just think the worst always will happen!
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
No.

It depends on the ISFJ, of course. If they're 16 and look down on you for being different than what they've always known, then yes, but as adults, if they are educated or well-rounded, they're not annoying.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
P.S. I just read all of your post and noticed you are a very Fe-heavy ISFJ, almost ESFJ-like, though only you know how introverted you are IRL or how Si-centered you actually are.

I would guess you just have a lot of Fe, and push on inferior Ne a lot (imagining all of the horrible possibilities, rather than interesting or positive ones like someone with a more mature placement of Ne, such as NPs or even some older ESxJs).

Did something bad happen to you as a child to make your inferior Ne become such a problem? I know why I have so much Nazi-esque inferior Te, and it's because of being raised by an angry Te dom who made me feel like my Fi was a sign of weakness.
 

Paisley

Strolling Through The Shire
Joined
Jan 14, 2009
Messages
498
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
5w4
What is it like inside an Si Fe brain? I've read Si is like a storehouse of passed experiences that are constantly being echoed in the present. Seems fairly rigid and accurate in detail.....not bendy....how do you like change?
 

Zarathustra

Let Go Of Your Team
Joined
Oct 31, 2009
Messages
8,110
I have seen you posting elsewhere, and I almost said this then, but, in light of this thread, I figured it should be said that I'm pretty sure you're an unhealthy enneagram 6. It's a very common enneagram type for people with a dominant introverted perceiving function (in your case, Si). I'd look into the enneagram, and specifically the health levels, in order to help out with your issues. It seems like you're pretty neurotic (i.e., you're regularly in the lower health levels). When you talk about coming up with all these different scenarios and what not, it sounds like your inferior Ne is out of control.
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
P.S. I just read all of your post and noticed you are a very Fe-heavy ISFJ, almost ESFJ-like, though only you know how introverted you are IRL or how Si-centered you actually are.

I would guess you just have a lot of Fe, and push on inferior Ne a lot (imagining all of the horrible possibilities, rather than interesting or positive ones like someone with a more mature placement of Ne, such as NPs or even some older ESxJs).

Did something bad happen to you as a child to make your inferior Ne become such a problem? I know why I have so much Nazi-esque inferior Te, and it's because of being raised by an angry Te dom who made me feel like my Fi was a sign of weakness.

Yes, you're right for the most part. I never had anything dramatically bad happen during my childhood. I am not saying I had it wonderful, but not bad in that way either. I've had some scary experiences though, maybe they affected me? You're right. I grew up with my parents fighting and threatening each other with death a lot though and I guess I started to "guard" myself and began to be over protective of any friends that I made as well. I'd protect anything and everything I valued, I'd get really mad when people would invade my personal space. I'd get angered if someone would touch something that was mine, etc.
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
[MENTION=6877]Marmotini[/MENTION] is mine. Don't go near her. :mad:
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
I have seen you posting elsewhere, and I almost said this then, but, in light of this thread, I figured it should be said that I'm pretty sure you're an unhealthy enneagram 6. It's a very common enneagram type for people with a dominant introverted perceiving function (in your case, Si). I'd look into the enneagram, and specifically the health levels, in order to help out with your issues. It seems like you're pretty neurotic (i.e., you're regularly in the lower health levels). When you talk about coming up with all these different scenarios and what not, it sounds like your inferior Ne is out of control.

http://www.enneagram.net/type6.html

Yeah, I see a lot there that describes me to say the least. My head is always running with all different scenarios to the point I'd become dizzy and tell my mind to shut up! It gives me a lot of unwanted thoughts as well, and involuntary conclusions and scenarios that would well, stick with me. My mind is always making comparisons, even ones that make no sense, but it absolutely must think of every possible thing that could happen even if it makes absolutely no sense at all. :|
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
MBTI Type
ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Yes, you're right for the most part. I never had anything dramatically bad happen during my childhood. I am not saying I had it wonderful, but not bad in that way either. I've had some scary experiences though, maybe they affected me? You're right. I grew up with my parents fighting and threatening each other with death a lot though and I guess I started to "guard" myself and began to be over protective of any friends that I made as well. I'd protect anything and everything I valued, I'd get really mad when people would invade my personal space. I'd get angered if someone would touch something that was mine, etc.

I would say that hearing your parents threaten each other may be it. It may have been that as a child you feared it would actually happen, so learned to imagine worst-case scenarios for losing the people you loved most.

I also agree with Zara that you're probably an enneagram 6.

I think protecting anything and everything you value is common in ISxJs, though, from what I've observed.
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
I would say that hearing your parents threaten each other may be it. It may have been that as a child you feared it would actually happen, so learned to imagine worst-case scenarios for losing the people you loved most.

I also agree with Zara that you're probably an enneagram 6.

I think protecting anything and everything you value is common in ISxJs, though, from what I've observed.

I can only wholeheartedly agree. I wish I could turn back what I did this week, though but I was so determined I was "right" by protecting this friend when in fact he really could have done without me being a nagging presence and a perceived lack of trust from his point of view. I'd always learned things the hard way, I've always had to have my face hit by a tonne of bricks to learn anything and it's a shame I've had to hurt myself and friends in the meantime. The first instance I mentioned, some three years ago I made threats in the name of the girl I believed was a threat to my friend. I was so full of spite, I scared myself. I let my inkling of fear, and uncertainty rule me and ruined our friendship. We're still friends to this day, thankfully and he's long forgiven me and I have long apologized and accepted I was wrong. It really is a double-edged sword I tell you, just like I said in another post. It hurt them, it hurt me and it was inconclusive and it was a product of my ever active mind looking for any and every single outcome. I didn't even know the girl he was in a long distance relationship with and trying to amend basically and I came in there and made her to be the ultimate enemy! He knew what he was doing the entire time, but I unfortunately was unsupportive of his love to what I thought -- about a complete stranger. Even when he mentioned her name it felt like a knife stabbing my gut. I'd writhe and turn at night in anger, I consumed myself in anger and fear -- I wasn't protecting him that way! I was just making everything harder for him, and worse for myself.

I saw how the relationship my parents had become so tumultuous and literally it was scary to be under the same roof as I was certain I would have been harmed a few times! I know, no two people are alike and yeah, it is sad when relationships turn bad like that but there could also be good, fruitful, wonderful relationships and I just looked for the worst kind that could happen. Sadly, most of my friends had come from families where the parents split and or had it rough in other ways whatsoever. So, I developed a heightened sense of survival and a knee-jerk reaction because apparently any possible love interest could end up in that way! My friends are not idiots, so why do I fear these things? I hate it when I see my friends heartbroken. I hated seeing my parents fight, I hate it when those sort of things happen! I just want to take everyone under my wing and protect them. But I can't do that, I have to resign to the matter that they would do what is best for them and would watch out for their best interests and not let themselves get hurt in the way I have seen people get hurt. I just hope this friend, and all my other friends and other people I care for know I would never hurt them intentionally. I just end up making the wrong assumptions sadly, my track record is not so good on my end!
 

Giggly

No moss growing on me
Joined
Jun 12, 2008
Messages
9,661
MBTI Type
iSFj
Enneagram
2
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I acted like this once years and years ago with a guy who friendzoned me. What I learned from that is to from the start be more self-aware of my romantic feelings/interest in a guy and to recognize if I get friendzoned to move on quickly instead of sticking around.
 

Hecuba

New member
Joined
Oct 13, 2012
Messages
69
MBTI Type
ISFJ
Enneagram
6
I acted like this once years and years ago with a guy who friendzoned me. What I learned from that is to from the start be more self-aware of my romantic feelings/interest in a guy and to recognize if I get friendzoned to move on quickly instead of sticking around.

It's good to know I have not been the only one to go through this, I am really glad this one friend though kept a level head and 'put me in my place' essentially letting me know clearly he had no feelings for me though he liked me as a friend. I took that well, much to my surprise, but when he mentioned that other girls name (I had a nasty choice word for her that started with the same first initial of her name) I felt a grazing sensation of utter loathing and rage. Now, this recent turn of events I am not attracted to him. I just thought at the time I was right in an assumption and I was really off and he tacked it to a lack of trust which in actuality is a part of a greater issue which I have explained in this thread.
 
Top