[MBTI General] Need advice on ISTJ -an INFJ

[Dolce vita]

Hi! Sorry for infiltrating the SJ thread...I am an INFJ who needs advice on an ISFJ I'm dating. So I thought I would turn to the experts, other ISTJs! Thanks in advance for your advice, you might save me a lot of heartache.

I've been hurt by men before as I can be naive and also rush into things. 3.5 weeks ago I met a guy who does what he says he's going to, seems caring, is really smart and happens to be ISTJ. He's also 45 and never been married. He has a good job and is generally stable. He seems very serious about finding someone. We date and text as he doesn't seem much for the phone. Last weekend my dog almost died in a very traumatic way and the vet said I should put him down. This new guy was MIA. When I tried to call he did not answer at 4pm on a Sat when he said he'd be home working on his house. 3 calls later he answered with a concerned, are you ok? In tears I explained everything, he expressed condolences and we hung up. The next day was D day for my dog. I heard nothing, not a peep from this guy.

He did text Monday asking how me and my dog were. I tried to call him last night to talk about my needs, but he didn't answer, he had told me he is busy with work this week. So anyway my question is, is this an uncaring guy I need to drop or is it possible he did not realize I needed a call Sunday for support? Am I dealing with an ISTJ thing or just an unfeeling guy?

 

[Habba]

I'd personally feel very awkward dealing with other people's grief. Especially someone I've just met. It's not that I don't care. It's because I can't fix the problem or make it better. It makes me feel very helpless and useless. And especially around people I care for, it makes it even worse.

You might want to pick up this thing when you get a good chance. And make sure he understands why it is important for you to have him show support for you. I'm engaged to an INFJ an this worked for us.

 

[skylights]

I think it might be challenging for anyone to deal with a situation like that. 3 and a half weeks is barely a whisper in dating terms, and that's pretty emotionally heavy pretty quickly.

There are so many meaningless reasons a person could not pick up the phone - in the bathroom, in the shower or bath, left the phone somewhere while he did something else in another place, had music playing, didn't feel like talking at the moment so didn't check who it was, was talking to someone else, was really engaged in a certain problem, was busy with a truckload of work, etc. You guys don't have a history of calling, after all, and the relationship is quite new. Clearly he expressed sympathy and kindness to you and he did call you back. Plus, many people prefer to be left alone when in mourning or other emotionally heavy situations - I do. I don't like to have to interact with other people because it requires me to adjust my emotional receptivity for them, which is already in tangles due to the grief - I very much prefer being given space unless I reach out. In particular because you guys don't have a history of calling, and since he's probably a quieter and not very emotionally-demonstrative guy, I can understand why he wouldn't tend to call you.

Overall he sounds like a good guy who didn't realize that you would have preferred a call. I don't think it's really an ISTJ thing either, just a combination of factors. SJs are wonderful about this stuff though, like Habba said, just let him know that you would really prefer personal support in emotional crises and next time he will be sure to call you.