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  1. #11
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    When we are emotionally and financially dependent on our parents, we are not our own person. And not being our own person, we naturally look for approval to our parents.

    And if we are not our own person, we look for validation in types.
    I think that it is an underlying issue in many cases, Victor. I'm not sure what you mean by "if we're not our own person, we look for validation in types." Are you saying that people rely on typing to reassure themselves? So, for example, if you get called "dumb," telling yourself "I'm a T, so I can't be dumb"? Or, are you saying that people want a bankable explanation for why they behave the way they do and why others behave differently? I think everything I mentioned is true to a certain extent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    Another way to look at it is to ask, what do our parents want from us. After all, our parents adore us, this should be enough to make us suspicious, and to ask what do they find adorable in us?

    Well, one answer might be that our parents have unmet needs from their own upbringing, and with us they have completely dependent beings that may meet their unmet needs in order to survive.

    So we need our parents approval in order to survive, and we get their approval and even adoration, by meeting their unmet needs.

    So we can have our unmet needs met by our children or by a professional therapist. Of course using our children, unconsciously, to met our unmet needs can only be called abuse.
    I agree with you. An example I frequently encounter is the parent who always wanted to be a doctor or lawyer and whose lack of professional success is a huge embarrassment or personal failing to them. So, in order to finally gratify their egos, they force their child down that route to try and experience that success vicariously. It's a sad cycle.

  2. #12
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    ISTJ.

    I never sought approval from my parents, nor any other person. I set my own expectations, because I knew I was smart enough to success in anything I'd put my mind on to. I now have the job I wanted ever since I was 5 years old.
    Thanks for the reply, Habba. Congratulations on the job!

  3. #13
    girl with a pretty smile Honor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EJCC View Post
    ESTJ.

    I've always wanted to be the "good kid". I've always wanted/needed my parents' approval. I'm strong-willed and passionate, and I'm willing and able to loudly disagree with them on particular topics, but when it comes to major life decisions, I don't think I'm capable of crossing them. Only recently have I realized how much this has been ingrained in me, from various sources, myself and my parents included*.

    At any other point in my life, I would have made a post very similar to Tinker's, in response to this question. Now, however, I don't think my close relationship with my parents deserves such a positive spin. I'm in the process of figuring out how to restructure the relationship in a way that suits my needs and helps me become a more independent person.


    *e.g. My own tendencies towards wanting approval from others and wanting to do "the right thing" no matter what; The strong values relating to social strategy/maintaining external harmony no matter what, that my parents and extended (Southern) family instilled in me.
    I relate to nearly every single thing you said here, EJCC. And the South is my favorite region in America, which made me like your post even more, lol. Thanks for the thorough reply.

  4. #14
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    I grew up following my parents' expectations. My parents are both IxxJs. For my issue, I don't think it had to do with MBTI. I grew up in an Asian household; you are expected to obey and honor your parents. Any less than that would result in severe punishment. Still, my mom can be a controlling person. She wants to decide and choose what her kids are going to do with their lives. That's BS to me. I've been craving freedom. My first semester of college out of town, I felt a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. I'm thankful for that experience. It was eye-opening to me. It's my life, and I choose how to live it.

    I find that I am very different from many people. We live in an extroverted world. Most of the college kids are always out partying, while I'm at home or occupying myself with other things. I figured that I'm going to go on a different path than them. I don't seek for my parents' approvals. I just do it and see how it goes for myself.

  5. #15
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    My mom is an ESFJ, and I know that when she was younger (20s/30s), her parents' approval was a huge factor in most of her decisions. I don't see her that way anymore and I don't think she does either. While no one is ever surprised to learn that she's their daughter (they're all extremely hospitable and giving people), my mom is definitely her own person. I know that it's hard for her to contradict the values/expectations of her loved ones, but she does it. She has an incredible backbone.

    and, to be more specific: she's always been in service-oriented professions / fields of study that require top-notch interpersonal skills. set out to major in childhood education, switched to psychology and youth ministry; she's been in multiple church leadership roles, and is now a legal secretary. (the lawyer she works for deals mainly with divorce, child custody, etc. and she counsels people daily.)

    I'm sure that my grandparents helped instill this selflessness in her, but I'm positive she would have gravitated towards these areas anyway. I don't know if she would have gone against their wishes, though, if they had pushed her into something like business.

  6. #16
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    We want approval from our parents until we realise they are limited human beings.

    And in the same way we want approval from God until we realise God is unknowable.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Viridian's Avatar
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    I don't know if this is exclusive to SJs, though...
    Tentative typing: ISFJ 6w5 or 9w1 (Sp/S[?]).

  8. #18
    Honor Thy Inferior Such Irony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Viridian View Post
    I don't know if this is exclusive to SJs, though...
    I don't think it is. Maybe SJs have the most concern about it though, especially SFJ.

    I know I want approval from my parents but I also know that I have to do what feels right for me even though my parents may not fully approve of it. I think more importantly, I want my parents to accept me for who I am. There have been times when my parents haven't been happy with a decision I've made. They may have not approved but ultimately they came to accept it and didn't disown me for it. I can handle some disapproval. I can't handle them not accepting me for who I am or disowning me.
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  9. #19
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuchIrony View Post
    I don't think it is. Maybe SJs have the most concern about it though, especially SFJ.
    I think it's a stereotypical SJ problem. Not that SJs are the only ones who can be like that, and not that there aren't SJs who could care less about their parents' approval. But I do think that the SJ temperament, and its linked desires to Always Do What's Right, be loyal to loved ones, and do well in the eyes of superiors*, lends itself to desiring parental approval, much more so than the other temperaments.

    *i.e. people who the SJ respect as being justifiably superior, deserving of more respect, high-ranking, etc.
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    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



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  10. #20
    Senior Member Viridian's Avatar
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    Yeah, I mean, regardless of type, these are the people who have a tremendous influence over your psyche during the formative years. Rejection from them can sting even the ever-haughty INTJ.
    Tentative typing: ISFJ 6w5 or 9w1 (Sp/S[?]).

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