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  1. #1
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    Default My *grrrr* ISTJ Roommate

    Hi everyone.

    I'm an INFP and I have an ISTJ roommate. We'll call him Pineapple, which is his nickname anyway since he's Hawaiian. Pineapple is a good friend of mine. I am staying with my father (ENFJ) and his girlfriend/landlady (INTJ) to help them with the mortgage. In late June, my father asked Pineapple to come live with us, without asking me if it was okay. I do not like friends living with me, as it has always caused trouble in the past. Here we go...

    Pineapple is a great guy. I'm not 100% sure he is ISTJ, but that is what he claims to be. He is as fascinated by the personality types as I am. It is one of the reasons we first connected. In a lot of ways, I can see how he fits ISTJ perfectly. In other ways, not so much, though no ISTJ follows their description perfectly and he is young (26). I would like to know how to connect with Pineapple and stop some of the anger I am feeling toward him.

    Currently, we are not able to kick Pineapple to the curb. We really need his income for now, until I find a better paying job. We have had two family meetings so far and they did not help. The biggest problem is that I have chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, crushed tailbone, and some other issues. This is all falling on me and I am growing upset.

    - Pineapple does not believe he should have to do anything around the house, other than pay his rent. I disagree. If you are in a house-share, aka sharing a house with others, you should have to help out around the house. Whatever. I do it all anyway. He does pay his rent, but it is sporadic throughout the month. K, the landlady, told him that she wants a set amount each week so she can do her finances properly. He has yet to obey this request.

    - Moreover, Pineapple thinks his rent ($400 a month, which includes his stay, food, and all utilities) was too high, so he talked to the landlady about lowering it. She did. Now he wants it lowered again. Ugh...

    - Pineapple is a slob. It is a rule in the house that what you do with your bedroom is your business, as you are paying for it, but I think there should be a line drawn somewhere. The other day, there was a horrible stink coming from his room. He was gone, so I went into his room and found dirty laundry absolutely everywhere, stains on the carpet, and moldy dishes everywhere, even under the bed and dressers. I picked up all of the dishes and washed the ones that weren't so disgusting that I had to throw away. This is the... fourth time I've done this? I also found a trash bag full of food in his closet. There are now bugs in his room.

    - Pineapple only has one chore, which is to mow the lawn. He has only mowed the lawn one time since he moved here in July. This angers me, because my father has ended up having to do it when I am not able to help. My father has COPD and cannot breathe well at all. He also has asthma and is disabled due to chronic pain.

    - Pineapple makes a mess of the garage. We spend a lot of time out in the garage since Pineapple, my father and I are all smokers. He doesn't bring his dishes in and never throws away his own trash.

    - He does not buy groceries, but he eats our food. He usually buys his own food, which is fine. If he is going to eat our food, though, he needs to contribute to the fridge.

    Pineapple told me from the start that if I have an issue with him to bring it up directly. As an INFP, I detest conflict/confrontation, even if I am in the right. However, I have done as requested and told him directly how I feel. He grew defensive and a bit loud and began making up what I deemed as bullsh*t excuses. Just do your sh*t... ya know? Just do what is expected of you!!! Pineapple works 12-hour graveyard shifts and I understand he is tired, but there is no reason why he can't wash his own dishes before work or before he goes to sleep. We all work. We are all tired.

    I've tried everything to make him feel welcome. When he first moved here, I emptied all of the dresser drawers, took out everything personal in the guest room, and cleaned it immaculately. I wanted him to feel that he could make it his own room. I wanted him to feel at home. Since then, I've done his dishes and cleaned up his room. I can't stand sloppiness. I keep this house absolutely spotless, and I don't mind a little mess here and there, but he is just disgusting. I've even tried not doing anything for him, but then the mess grows so bad that bugs start crawling from his room into the rest of the house. I can't have that.

    How can I tell Pineapple about my (everyone's) concerns? I know I need to get past my dislike of confrontation, because I am nothing more than a doormat at this point, but I don't want him getting defensive. I want him to understand my viewpoint... again. This will be the third confrontation.

    Thank you!

  2. #2
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    Maybe you could write him a letter explaining your concerns? If he refuses to read it or refuses it to act on it write another one. Keep writing them so they gradually become more and more strongly worded. Hopefully he should get the message (excuse the pun.)

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Standuble View Post
    Maybe you could write him a letter explaining your concerns? If he refuses to read it or refuses it to act on it write another one. Keep writing them so they gradually become more and more strongly worded. Hopefully he should get the message (excuse the pun.)
    Writing him a letter is a great idea! I have a hard time expressing myself verbally, but I express myself wonderfully with letters. I'll try that. Thank you!

  4. #4
    The Iron Giant
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    Wow, what a horrible situation.

    Good luck with the letter. I hope you'll keep us posted.

  5. #5
    your resident asshole
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    Yes please do keep us informed.

    Although if he really is an ISTJ, I don't think he'll respond well to the letter unless it's well organized, concise, and to the point. Even then, it might not work. I would threaten to kick him out if he doesn't clean up his act, but it looks like that is not an option.

    Good luck with the letter. And don't get discouraged. Just keep bugging him.

  6. #6
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    just do a rental contract, have him sign it.

    and post on craigslist or whatever for a new
    tenant in parallel.
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  7. #7
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Stop cleaning up his mess. Don't do his laundry either. You are not helping the situation at all.

    If he really is an ISTJ, I'd say he's depressed or just very unhappy with his life. It manifests in similar fashion in us ISTJs. What is needed here is a tough intervention. Make him sign a contract that specifies what are his duties and how much he needs to pay... and when. And just throw him out when he breaks the rules.

    You see, he's not listening to you at all. That's because your not being strict with him. You tell him to do his share of work, he doesn't do it, so you do it instead. What he learned there? That he doesn't really have to do anything. Just like what happened with the rent. When someone bends to his will, he'll just push it.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  8. #8
    Aquaria mrcockburn's Avatar
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    No way can that possibly be an ISTJ. I'm married to one, and I've seen him at his worst.

    He still births a cow if he sees one of my blonde hairballs on the floor.
    3w4-9w1-?w6 (nearly headless nick)
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    http://sundrytimes.files.wordpress.c...tomic-bomb.jpg


  9. #9
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    I think he's not an ISTJ, I don't think an ISTJ could live like that. That's disgusting.

    As to your situation... To be honest, I have never understood such situations. He would've been long gone if it was my house, and even before I'd allow him to stay, he'd have to sign a contract. If he'd refuse to get out, he'd find his stuff in trash bags on the street the next day after he's back from work, both because I wouldn't want to waste my time with the police and because he's a dick and anything related to him isn't worth my time.

    Anyway, the others have given good suggestions, the best one being making him to sign a contract, the likely ineffective being the "write your thoughts down" one. To bring something new to the table - let him know that he'll be thrown out if he won't start behaving how he's asked to in your paper.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Typoz View Post
    I think he's not an ISTJ, I don't think an ISTJ could live like that. That's disgusting.
    You should have seen my house few years back. My fridge would have made you gag.
    Even though you think ISTJs are all neat & tidy people, we are not also so. In our catastrophe mode, we become very disorganized, messy and reckless. We hoard stuff. Leave stuff where it drops. We become indifferent to such things.

    Quote Originally Posted by Typoz View Post
    Anyway, the others have given good suggestions, the best one being making him to sign a contract, the likely ineffective being the "write your thoughts down" one.
    Yes, I also think that writing letters won't help one bit. It is actually only a continuation of the passive-aggressive stance. Something an ISTJ learns to ignore before we even learn to write. In situtations like this, you have to help the person to learn to help himself. Looking scornful and fixing things in his wake only makes it worse. And he needs to get angry before he can move on, because it is his natural defence against things he dislikes.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

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