I'm an INFP and I have an ISTJ roommate. We'll call him Pineapple, which is his nickname anyway since he's Hawaiian. Pineapple is a good friend of mine. I am staying with my father (ENFJ) and his girlfriend/landlady (INTJ) to help them with the mortgage. In late June, my father asked Pineapple to come live with us, without asking me if it was okay. I do not like friends living with me, as it has always caused trouble in the past. Here we go...
Pineapple is a great guy. I'm not 100% sure he is ISTJ, but that is what he claims to be. He is as fascinated by the personality types as I am. It is one of the reasons we first connected. In a lot of ways, I can see how he fits ISTJ perfectly. In other ways, not so much, though no ISTJ follows their description perfectly and he is young (26). I would like to know how to connect with Pineapple and stop some of the anger I am feeling toward him.
Currently, we are not able to kick Pineapple to the curb. We really need his income for now, until I find a better paying job. We have had two family meetings so far and they did not help. The biggest problem is that I have chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, crushed tailbone, and some other issues. This is all falling on me and I am growing upset.
- Pineapple does not believe he should have to do anything around the house, other than pay his rent. I disagree. If you are in a house-share, aka sharing a house with others, you should have to help out around the house. Whatever. I do it all anyway. He does pay his rent, but it is sporadic throughout the month. K, the landlady, told him that she wants a set amount each week so she can do her finances properly. He has yet to obey this request.
- Moreover, Pineapple thinks his rent ($400 a month, which includes his stay, food, and all utilities) was too high, so he talked to the landlady about lowering it. She did. Now he wants it lowered again. Ugh...
- Pineapple is a slob. It is a rule in the house that what you do with your bedroom is your business, as you are paying for it, but I think there should be a line drawn somewhere. The other day, there was a horrible stink coming from his room. He was gone, so I went into his room and found dirty laundry absolutely everywhere, stains on the carpet, and moldy dishes everywhere, even under the bed and dressers. I picked up all of the dishes and washed the ones that weren't so disgusting that I had to throw away. This is the... fourth time I've done this? I also found a trash bag full of food in his closet. There are now bugs in his room.
- Pineapple only has one chore, which is to mow the lawn. He has only mowed the lawn one time since he moved here in July. This angers me, because my father has ended up having to do it when I am not able to help. My father has COPD and cannot breathe well at all. He also has asthma and is disabled due to chronic pain.
- Pineapple makes a mess of the garage. We spend a lot of time out in the garage since Pineapple, my father and I are all smokers. He doesn't bring his dishes in and never throws away his own trash.
- He does not buy groceries, but he eats our food. He usually buys his own food, which is fine. If he is going to eat our food, though, he needs to contribute to the fridge.
Pineapple told me from the start that if I have an issue with him to bring it up directly. As an INFP, I detest conflict/confrontation, even if I am in the right. However, I have done as requested and told him directly how I feel. He grew defensive and a bit loud and began making up what I deemed as bullsh*t excuses. Just do your sh*t... ya know? Just do what is expected of you!!! Pineapple works 12-hour graveyard shifts and I understand he is tired, but there is no reason why he can't wash his own dishes before work or before he goes to sleep. We all work. We are all tired.
I've tried everything to make him feel welcome. When he first moved here, I emptied all of the dresser drawers, took out everything personal in the guest room, and cleaned it immaculately. I wanted him to feel that he could make it his own room. I wanted him to feel at home. Since then, I've done his dishes and cleaned up his room. I can't stand sloppiness. I keep this house absolutely spotless, and I don't mind a little mess here and there, but he is just disgusting. I've even tried not doing anything for him, but then the mess grows so bad that bugs start crawling from his room into the rest of the house. I can't have that.
How can I tell Pineapple about my (everyone's) concerns? I know I need to get past my dislike of confrontation, because I am nothing more than a doormat at this point, but I don't want him getting defensive. I want him to understand my viewpoint... again. This will be the third confrontation.