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[ISTJ] I moved in with my ISTJ.

mrcockburn

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I'm curious if your ISTJ used to come over to your place often before you moved with him?

I'm kind of confused... is this ENFJ friend disrespectful to the ISTJ?

He came over a lot. He seemed to be just fine with the way I had things and still asked me to move in with him. And he never nagged me at his place...until I moved in.

No, the ENFJ is just socially retarded. He honestly means well, but doesn't really realize that it's not OK to pat my ISTJ on the head. Or talk REALLY REALLY LOUDLY (he pipes down when I tell him though). Or go around knocking on neighbors doors to"socialize" with them. He has no other friends, can't keep a job, and his roommates are always chasing him out the house because he unintentiionally annoys them.

Anyway. My ISTJ dislikes a lot of my friends, but since they don't cook for me, I don't like staying home anyway, and I head out their way, and it's a non-issue.

Tomorrow's going to suck though, because I'll be out with friends tomorrow night, and after bars close, we always go to each others' places to chill out on the living room, chat, watch TV, order pizza, 420 ourselves, etc and crash.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me bringing my 5 noisy, drunk friends over to smoke weed and crash for the night, which means I'll crash at someone else's place, and I don't want him getting pissy about it. I just set the plans up tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow.
 

mrcockburn

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I'm intrigued by the fact that you have a personal ENFJ that regularly comes over and cooks for you. Is that normal outside of my little world?

He LOVES cooking, and well, he has no other friends, so hey. Shrimp linguine ftw!
 

mrcockburn

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^ This.

^ And this too.
Edit: And everything [MENTION=1009]CzeCze[/MENTION] said! :nice:

Honestly, if you're going to keep that sort of confrontational attitude, I'm a little concerned as to how this'll turn out. Your ISTJ thinks everything is ok for a reason, i.e. if he's like me and like the other STJs I know, making necessary commitments, sacrifices, and allowances are second-nature and not terribly difficult. With healthy xSTJs, commitment is a way of life, in romantic relationships and all others. (And before you get nit-picky about my phrasing, I say "commitment" because that's, in my mind, the opposite of the idea that your living there is temporary, and the opposite of the idea that if things don't go your way, you're leaving. Like Kai said, those little arguments about the cereal on the floor will do your relationship in unless the attitude about it is chill.) EDIT: So what I mean is, he's doing fine (discounting the thing with your ENFJ friend, and regarding that I 100% agree with Randomnity) -- so I'm guessing that if you changed your attitude about his control-freakery (and also kept up a permanent, honest line of communication with him, to avoid resentment building up), all this tension would pretty much go away.

Also, any spouse of an xSTJ can attest that the nagging will never, ever go away, so you might as well get used to that.

How am I being confrontational? :thelook:

I'm just not a doormat, that's all.

Anyway. Fine if he nags. But let me pick the damn cheerio up and then shaddup. Don't follow me around for 10 minutes bitching when I'm trying to get ready for work.
 

mrcockburn

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Wasn't this an issue with your ENTJ lothario whom you so cruelly spurned?

In this case though it seems it's just that specific ENFJ that your ISTJ takes issue with?

I don't think the issue is that you're friends with the ENFJ but that the ENFJ is coming over to the house. If you even agree that the ENFJ 'gets in his space' then you can see why the ISTJ doesn't want him over. I think how this gets resolved will also depend on the other compromises you make around the house and also how often and what kind of folks the ISTJ invites over.

Don't even mention that ex. :sick:

My ISTJ is nothing like that nutbag. And yeah, unlike the nutbag, it's not jealousy, he just finds them annoying. But like I said, I made a point to not bring them home. Except for the ENFJ, who comes over to cook anywhere from 1x a week to 1x every other week. (Not twice a week. We go to the beach or wherever else half the time.)
 

ceecee

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He came over a lot. He seemed to be just fine with the way I had things and still asked me to move in with him. And he never nagged me at his place...until I moved in.

No, the ENFJ is just socially retarded. He honestly means well, but doesn't really realize that it's not OK to pat my ISTJ on the head. Or talk REALLY REALLY LOUDLY (he pipes down when I tell him though). Or go around knocking on neighbors doors to"socialize" with them. He has no other friends, can't keep a job, and his roommates are always chasing him out the house because he unintentiionally annoys them.

Anyway. My ISTJ dislikes a lot of my friends, but since they don't cook for me, I don't like staying home anyway, and I head out their way, and it's a non-issue.

Tomorrow's going to suck though, because I'll be out with friends tomorrow night, and after bars close, we always go to each others' places to chill out on the living room, chat, watch TV, order pizza, 420 ourselves, etc and crash.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me bringing my 5 noisy, drunk friends over to smoke weed and crash for the night, which means I'll crash at someone else's place, and I don't want him getting pissy about it. I just set the plans up tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow.


Wow. I don't know what to say, aside from I can't even imagine my SO contemplating this scenario. Pissy wouldn't even begin to describe my feelings on being awoken by a bunch of high fucktards.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me bringing my 5 noisy, drunk friends over to smoke weed and crash for the night, which means I'll crash at someone else's place, and I don't want him getting pissy about it. I just set the plans up tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow.

And this would make me feel like I'm the handler of a special needs person without my consent.....

No, the ENFJ is just socially retarded. He honestly means well, but doesn't really realize that it's not OK to pat my ISTJ on the head. Or talk REALLY REALLY LOUDLY (he pipes down when I tell him though). Or go around knocking on neighbors doors to"socialize" with them. He has no other friends, can't keep a job, and his roommates are always chasing him out the house because he unintentiionally annoys them.
 

Owfin

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I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me bringing my 5 noisy, drunk friends over to smoke weed and crash for the night, which means I'll crash at someone else's place, and I don't want him getting pissy about it. I just set the plans up tonight, so I'll bring it up tomorrow.

I'd get pretty pissy about it too. My annoyance might accidentally bleed into other aspects of life, and this may be what is happening for him.

ISTJs highly value our private, quiet, all-to-our-self time. I can get pretty snappish when it's interrupted. When you aren't looking, when the ENFJ friend is yelling, the ISTJ is probably wincing.

Under normal circumstances, I would not be mad about a cheerio, but I can get very nitpicky and accusatory on minor things like that when I'm annoyed.
 
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mrcockburn

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[MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION]

I'm 99% sure the ENFJ has Asperger's Syndrome, but he REFUSES to see a doctor. He brags about not having seen one since childhood.
 

mrcockburn

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Anyway, I spoke to the ISTJ before I left for work, and he accepted that I'd crash at someone else's place (which I would've done, regardless of his "approval". I don't need his permission to do what I want).

He made a big episode out of "trusting" me to not get tempted by other guys, etc. Pretty silly, as I went out all the same, before I moved in.

I'm learning that oft-spoken truth...you don't know *jack shit* about a person until live with them.

But that's not necessarily bad. He loves listening to me sing in the shower, for instance. I love how he likes to philosophize with me before we fall asleep. :)

oh ew, MUSHYYY.... :sick:
 

CzeCze

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[MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION]

I'm 99% sure the ENFJ has Asperger's Syndrome, but he REFUSES to see a doctor. He brags about not having seen one since childhood.

That's so interesting. How did you become such good friends with him? Does his social inappropriateness and 'super extroversion' mean nothing to you?

Maybe you are an INFJ after all...


Anyway, I spoke to the ISTJ before I left for work, and he accepted that I'd crash at someone else's place (which I would've done, regardless of his "approval". I don't need his permission to do what I want).

You seem to have a running theme in the threads you start with the idea that 'no one can tell me what to do/i'm not gonna change for anybody/i don't need your permission'. Of course, not knowing you IRL or even how you talk or think about your bf most of the time these comments might be inconsequential. BUT, if you are gonna live with this guy and stay in a LTR with him it would be helpful to reframe and not look at it that you need his 'permission' to do things or that he's trying to change you or cramp your style, just that you're now entering a new beautiful phase of 'getting to know one another' and 'learning how to live with each other in sexy harmony'. Or something like that.
 

ItsAlwaysSunny

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As far as the cheerio thing is concerned just tell him "Sorry about that. I'll be more careful" and if he keeps lecturing then tell him "Look, I don't need to be lectured about this. It was an accident and I said I'll be more careful."

As far as the other stuff is concerned, it seems like you are being a rebellious child that wants to assert that you have every right to do what you want regardless of what your bf thinks. While this may technically be true, it really doesn't matter. If you want to have a lasting relationship with this guy then his feelings can't be irrelevant. You need to compromise with him even if you don't like it. You are living together now, sharing a space, and you need to come to a middle ground where both of you are happy in your space. So maybe, for example, only let the annoying ENFJ come over once every two weeks or so, so that your ISTJ can see that you're compromising, but you also still get to have your friend over.

Also, most grown/mature people in serious relationships will probably have a problem with their signif. other bringing home 5 drunk/high people to crash in the house. And most grown/mature people aren't going to like that fact that once a week their signif. other goes to someone else's house drunk/high to crash after partying. Yes, you are technically allowed to do all these things, but if you plan on having a long lasting relationship with this guy, then you're going to have to consider how he feels about your actions. If you want the relationship to last, then being respectful of how he feels is just as important as being idependent and in charge of your own life.
 

River

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This ^. And other replies to the thread. I've given up on you mrcockburn.
 

Darkéy

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He's probably very unhappy, and it's all because of you cockburn. It's all because of you.

Although, on the serious side. Which needs come first to you, your ENFJ's or SO's?

tl;dr ^ This.

Reading this gave me a headache. Long story short, get those priorities in order. If one party is annoying the other, decide who's more important to you and get a grip. Living with a SO doesn't just happen. There will be sacrifices and give and take. Bored now.
 

Rex

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Slight OT.. whats hes and yours age mrcockburn.
 

mrcockburn

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[MENTION=10686]MatsNorway[/MENTION] - He's 25, I'm 22.

[MENTION=1009]CzeCze[/MENTION] - I definitely attract a lot of oddballs. :smile: Which is great, since I'm one myself. My "conventional" friends, I really only party with. My real, daytime friends are a gaggle of life's outcasts. lol
 
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