User Tag List

First 23456 Last

Results 31 to 40 of 57

  1. #31
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Posts
    1,335

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    Well, I'm not a doormat. Sorry. But there shouldn't have been anything that needed compromising to begin with, since I was completely within my rights to have a friend over for the early evening.

    Anyway, we talked it over, and he said he just doesn't like my friend. I'm sorry, but isn't that his own problem? My friends are my friends, and I'm not changing that. Tough cookies.
    I don't really disagree with the idea that it's OK for you to have your ENFJ friend over. That's an issue he'll have to get over.

    I don't think it's a matter of being a doormat, it's just not coming from the perspective "I pay therefore" but instead "we're in a relationship therefore". The former sounds like something more found within a business setting, and I guess I just find it odd, but hey, if it works for you then I guess it's OK.

  2. #32
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    GONE
    Posts
    9,051

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    You sound exhausting, but that's not really an anecdote.
    :yim_rolling_on_the_:

    That actually did me make LOL.

    And @mrcockburn...oh dear lord are you thinking you are EXFP now??

    I lived with an ISTJ. A good friend. It was fucking awful. A very timid INFP was our 3rd roommate. Awful combination.

    The reason it was awful was it came down to she did NOT want to live with other people and didn't know how to compromise or be realistic. She had unreasonable expectations, for instance, she decided how much rent we should pay regardless of the size of the rooms or the overall rent of the house. If she wasn't such a good friend to begin with things would have gotten very ugly much quicker. The INFP roommate added fuel because she never complained openly to the ISTJ and defacto went along with everything even when she was unhappy.

    With all the roommate situations that have gone south, regardless of type, I would say communication was the biggest factor. You have to speak up as soon as something bothers you.

    The positive with your ISTJ is *he* already does this. And at least in this thread he sounds reasonable? What you need to do is not take his complaints as orders or indicative of larger issues and just tell him on the spot things like "okay, I missed the Cheerio, is it really that big of a deal in the scheme of things? Do you think I'm a messy person? etc"

    If consistent issues pop up, address them and compromise. For instance, if you feel he is constantly nagging you about kitchen chores, decide who will do what exactly and how often. Also, it may be because I'm older but some habits you just have to admit here and now are not going to change. Putting the cap back on toothpaste, hitting the snooze button repeatedly, etc. You can't change every habit sometimes to suit your partner, so it's better to air it all out and decide what you both can agree to live with. Basically pick and choose -together- your battles and their outcome.

    The downfall of my INFP roommate is she was so timid she ended up being a doormat, which is unfortunate because I think she's a nice person. But she had this terrible habit of NEVER confronting something head on and the subsequent roommates took total advantage of her. Strangely, I do not think you will have this problem MrCockburn. :Thelook:

    So basically in my experience I was too nice and not confrontational enough with my ISTJ roommate. At one point at a 'house meeting' I got so pissed off at what she had just said (another ridiculous demand) that I couldn't lift my head up to look at her because I knew I was about to go off.

    For you, I'd encourage you to confront your ISTJ as soon as he says something that you take issue with or need clarification on. The demands and orders you interpret might just be him, you know, being him. Like he said he thinks thing are going well and just 'nags at people'. Each comment is not necessarily significant or has the same significance you think he intends.

    Basically what you said about your ENFJ friend tell him that. Work it out. Can he live with the ENFJ coming over just 1x a week? Can you tell the ENFJ that your ISTJ is busy on that night so to basically not interact with him?
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  3. #33
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    MBTI
    GONE
    Posts
    9,051

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    Anyway, we talked it over, and he said he just doesn't like my friend. I'm sorry, but isn't that his own problem? My friends are my friends, and I'm not changing that. Tough cookies.
    Wasn't this an issue with your ENTJ lothario whom you so cruelly spurned?

    In this case though it seems it's just that specific ENFJ that your ISTJ takes issue with?

    I don't think the issue is that you're friends with the ENFJ but that the ENFJ is coming over to the house. If you even agree that the ENFJ 'gets in his space' then you can see why the ISTJ doesn't want him over. I think how this gets resolved will also depend on the other compromises you make around the house and also how often and what kind of folks the ISTJ invites over.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  4. #34
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    MBTI
    ISTP
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    9,489

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mrcockburn View Post
    I don't think that's very fair. Especially since he was the one to keep asking and offering. Why am I paying half his rent if I have absolutely no say? Are you telling me that just because he was there first, I should accept his selfishness? He had his way 100% when he was paying 100% of his rent. And now he's not.

    IMO, I'm being pretty fair about it. I don't let the ENFJ roam around the house, he stays in the kitchen, the living room, or the backyard. He cleans up after himself (at my insistence), and I shoo him out by 9pm if it's a weeknight. He's not there every day either. We see each other maybe once or twice a week - most of the time, we're meeting at HIS place or elsewhere.
    wow, once or twice a week is a LOT to have any friend over for this introvert....if it's a friend that's annoying, especially one that is prone to invading space.....I'm amazed your istj hasn't gone postal by now, honestly.

    if you want a perspective from the other side, when I lived with my ex he had a best friend who I could not stand....not a bad guy really, but just overwhelmingly obnoxious, immature, and incredibly loud about it. So maybe a similar situation. We didn't have that much friction about it though. What helped was:

    -they usually went out instead of invading my space. He'd only be over maybe a couple times a month.
    -I often got "warned" when he was to come over so I could make other plans
    -they stayed out of my way, often in another room
    -I usually left when he came over, tried to plan my errands around it (see: "warning")
    -if I had to stay because it was some kind of social gathering, ALCOHOL
    -I didn't feel the need to be social with him, I wasn't often rude but very distant and indifferent. I tried never to bitch about him but I think it was pretty clear from my avoidance that I didn't like him, lol.

    It's probably hard for an extrovert to understand how intolerable some people can be, especially when YOU like hanging out with them....but seriously, some people can be nearly physically painful to be in the same room with. Especially for introverts. It's pretty inconsiderate to just expect him to "get over it".

    edit: it's making my skin crawl just thinking about having loud, uninvited (by me), rude people invading my space multiple times a week. it's not really fair for him to forbid the guy from ever coming over, but surely there's some compromise. it sounds like you're focusing more on the "fairness" aspect which is more relevant in a roommate relationship than with an SO, who you presumably care about.
    -end of thread-

  5. #35
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    MBTI
    iSFj
    Enneagram
    2 sx/so
    Posts
    9,666

    Default

    I'm curious if your ISTJ used to come over to your place often before you moved with him?

    I'm kind of confused... is this ENFJ friend disrespectful to the ISTJ?

  6. #36
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    7,368

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    wow, once or twice a week is a LOT to have any friend over for this introvert....if it's a friend that's annoying, especially one that is prone to invading space.....I'm amazed your istj hasn't gone postal by now, honestly.

    if you want a perspective from the other side, when I lived with my ex he had a best friend who I could not stand....not a bad guy really, but just overwhelmingly obnoxious, immature, and incredibly loud about it. So maybe a similar situation. We didn't have that much friction about it though. What helped was:

    -they usually went out instead of invading my space. He'd only be over maybe a couple times a month.
    -I often got "warned" when he was to come over so I could make other plans
    -they stayed out of my way, often in another room
    -I usually left when he came over, tried to plan my errands around it (see: "warning")
    -if I had to stay because it was some kind of social gathering, ALCOHOL
    -I didn't feel the need to be social with him, I wasn't often rude but very distant and indifferent. I tried never to bitch about him but I think it was pretty clear from my avoidance that I didn't like him, lol.

    It's probably hard for an extrovert to understand how intolerable some people can be, especially when YOU like hanging out with them....but seriously, some people can be nearly physically painful to be in the same room with. Especially for introverts. It's pretty inconsiderate to just expect him to "get over it".

    edit: it's making my skin crawl just thinking about having loud, uninvited (by me), rude people invading my space multiple times a week. it's not really fair for him to forbid the guy from ever coming over, but surely there's some compromise. it sounds like you're focusing more on the "fairness" aspect which is more relevant in a roommate relationship than with an SO, who you presumably care about.
    This.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

    Music provides one of the clearest examples of a much deeper relation between mathematics and human experience.

  7. #37
    Senior Member The Outsider's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    MBTI
    intp
    Enneagram
    5w4 sx
    Posts
    2,424

    Default

    I'm intrigued by the fact that you have a personal ENFJ that regularly comes over and cooks for you. Is that normal outside of my little world?

  8. #38
    FigerPuppet
    Guest

    Default

    If your SO hates your friend so much and feels that he infringes on his space, just meet up somewhere other than in the apartment. It's called compromise. You get to hang out with your friend, and at the same time not frustrate your boyfriend! Speaking of fairness: It's not fair of you to force the menace that is your friend on your boyfriend. You can be friends elsewhere than in the apartment you're supposed to share (you and your SO - not you, him and your entire social circle). It's not like he's telling you who you can and cannot be friends with.

  9. #39
    figsfiggyfigs
    Guest

    Default

    He's probably very unhappy, and it's all because of you cockburn. It's all because of you.

    Although, on the serious side. Which needs come first to you, your ENFJ's or SO's?

  10. #40
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ESTJ
    Enneagram
    173 so/sx
    Posts
    18,432

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Randomnity View Post
    wow, once or twice a week is a LOT to have any friend over for this introvert....if it's a friend that's annoying, especially one that is prone to invading space.....I'm amazed your istj hasn't gone postal by now, honestly.

    if you want a perspective from the other side, when I lived with my ex he had a best friend who I could not stand....not a bad guy really, but just overwhelmingly obnoxious, immature, and incredibly loud about it. So maybe a similar situation. We didn't have that much friction about it though. What helped was:

    -they usually went out instead of invading my space. He'd only be over maybe a couple times a month.
    -I often got "warned" when he was to come over so I could make other plans
    -they stayed out of my way, often in another room
    -I usually left when he came over, tried to plan my errands around it (see: "warning")
    -if I had to stay because it was some kind of social gathering, ALCOHOL
    -I didn't feel the need to be social with him, I wasn't often rude but very distant and indifferent. I tried never to bitch about him but I think it was pretty clear from my avoidance that I didn't like him, lol.

    It's probably hard for an extrovert to understand how intolerable some people can be, especially when YOU like hanging out with them....but seriously, some people can be nearly physically painful to be in the same room with. Especially for introverts. It's pretty inconsiderate to just expect him to "get over it".

    edit: it's making my skin crawl just thinking about having loud, uninvited (by me), rude people invading my space multiple times a week. it's not really fair for him to forbid the guy from ever coming over, but surely there's some compromise. it sounds like you're focusing more on the "fairness" aspect which is more relevant in a roommate relationship than with an SO, who you presumably care about.
    ^ This.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    I would suggest dropping the idea that "I pay 50% rent, therefore I'm entitled to 50% of the decision making within this household" since ultimately that sort of attitude will end up destroying your relationship. To take a more extreme example, it's like those couples who keep exact tabs on how much is being given, taken and shared exactly.

    Rather than taking the view that "I pay 50% therefore X", I would suggest taking on the view "I have my own needs that need to be met in this relationship" where it becomes more an issue of compromise between both individuals than a defined line which is more similar to how flatmates would typically utilise and respond with. This sort of mentality is especially more important for those in those traditional relationships where one's partner earns more than the others and then starts feeling like they are entitled to more because of their earning-funding powers.
    ^ And this too.
    Edit: And everything @CzeCze said!

    Honestly, if you're going to keep that sort of confrontational attitude, I'm a little concerned as to how this'll turn out. Your ISTJ thinks everything is ok for a reason, i.e. if he's like me and like the other STJs I know, making necessary commitments, sacrifices, and allowances are second-nature and not terribly difficult. With healthy xSTJs, commitment is a way of life, in romantic relationships and all others. (And before you get nit-picky about my phrasing, I say "commitment" because that's, in my mind, the opposite of the idea that your living there is temporary, and the opposite of the idea that if things don't go your way, you're leaving. Like Kai said, those little arguments about the cereal on the floor will do your relationship in unless the attitude about it is chill.) EDIT: So what I mean is, he's doing fine (discounting the thing with your ENFJ friend, and regarding that I 100% agree with Randomnity) -- so I'm guessing that if you changed your attitude about his control-freakery (and also kept up a permanent, honest line of communication with him, to avoid resentment building up), all this tension would pretty much go away.

    Also, any spouse of an xSTJ can attest that the nagging will never, ever go away, so you might as well get used to that.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
    1w2/7w6/3w4 so/sx (enneagram)
    want to ask me something? go for it!

Similar Threads

  1. [MBTItm] Just moved in with an INFJ!
    By Habba in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 27
    Last Post: 03-07-2012, 07:55 PM
  2. [ESTJ] Help with my ESTJ father-in-law
    By Griffi97 in forum The SJ Guardhouse (ESFJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ISTJ)
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 02-14-2008, 12:03 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO