Alright, to be honest, I am feeling very insecure right now but I do want your honest opinions and explanations for the following details.
I am really beginning to wonder how much my fiance truly loves me or truly understands love for that matter.
He is so freaking logical that it drives me insane. And it hurts me sometimes. I know that I am an F so I am usually able to know when my feelings are irrational and when I have the objective right to be upset about something.
He just says things sometimes, things where he explains his actions or his feelings towards me, and it doesn't sound like love. It doesn't sound like a want to be with me, or a need to be with me, but more of a choice, perhaps because there is no one else interested in him... that's horrible to say, but he is such a hermit, and hates any situation where he could go out and possibly meet a girl, that he just asks out his friends on dates. Before we started dating, he actually asked out like 5 of the girls in the mutual friend circle, and, basically, I was the only one to say yes.
We dated for about 3 years, broke up, and during that time, we would still "hang out" and "make out" but he would always say that because he is doing this, does not mean that he wants to get back together. During this time, I wanted to get back with him, and he was hesistant. He even told me that he was out of love with me. and that he would never love me again. Devasted, I didn't know if I believed him, so I felt like if I kept making out with him and spending time with him, he would learn to love me again. Ugh, what was a thinking. Did I trick him? Is he capable of knowing his true feelings?
We started dating again 2 years after we broke up. He never dated anyone between our break up. In fact, he never really dated anyone before me! We dated a few more years, he proposed around our 7 year mark of dating. Still, it rings in my head, "I'll never love you again" What changed his mind? I've asked, he can never answer it. ...Why?
Now the problem:
I know that I have low self esteem, and though this sounds hypocritical, I know that I can be very attractive, though, I'd have to take a lot of time to get to that point, lol. Anyways, we were talking about my insecurities one night and mentioned that I felt like he only asked me out because all other girls said no, and that perhaps he didn't even find me attractive at that time. He said "I found you more attractive as I got to know you". This made me feel like SHIT. He says he meant that I become more beautiful each day, yada yada yada. Whatever.
Then tonight, I mention that I am going out with the girls, and joking said that I was going to get dressed up when I went out to a bar with them. He flipped out and said that I only want other guys attention and his attention doesn't matter. I explained that it's a girl thing, and we need to feel attractive sometimes and we need to feel it in a different way. I would NEVER cheat, and he believes me. (I know my feelings here are irrational, but it's how I feel...it's how must girls feel. We just want to be attractive...) He is sad that he feels like his attention isn't good enough for me. But it is, it's just a girl thing (ugh, irrationalllll i knowwww)
We ended the conversation on a good note and we understood eachother. He then called me and said "Ya know, I think I kind of understand why I am upset a little with how you feel. When a couple goes out to a bar together, and the girl is dressed up, guys tend to want to 'show off' their girl. Like, 'hey look at me, look at the girl I am with. Isn't she attractive, look how lucky I am...' and with you.........." ( WOW HE IS ABOUT TO MAKE ME FEEL AMAZING)
"...........I don't feel that way. I don't have a need to show you off. I don't care. I'd rather people not look at you"
It broke my heart. I want him to feel like I am a prize. That I am something special, something he is lucky to have. Instead, I feel like he is just marrying me because he needs someone to birth his children, and something to have sex with (we are both waiting til marriage, so sometimes I am worried that he just wants to get married so he can finally have sex...IRRATIONAL? probably...but still probable.....)
Why doesn't he show LOVE. show DESIRE. show PASSION to be with me? I want him to WANT/NEED to be with me, not choose to. Ugh. Does this make sense?
Are ISTJs like this?!