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  1. #11
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I'm insecure because he doesn't make me feel secure
    This kind of reasoning suggests a much deeper issue. No one besides you is responsible for your emotional state. If you aren't secure with yourself, that's a personal issue you should work on -- it is your responsibility to set up your environment in such a way that you're able to pursue this goal. If you choose to engage with people that don't make you feel better about yourself, you are actively perpetuating the problem.

    , I mean, he freaking told me that he'd never love me again. And with him being such an honest, non-drama, kind of person, I just want to know what changed his mind, and he can't answer it.
    Honestly, that's a somewhat nitpicky point to make, and yet it's the basis of your entire argument. It seems like you are insecure for deeper reasons and are clinging to this notion as something you can point to to rationalize that insecurity.

    I don't have the information to conclude whether or not he truly wants to be with you, and there's really no way you could give me enough information. But I do have enough information to say that this is most likely not the main problem here.

    Listen, either he thinks "I have made it very clear that I am devoted to her and I love her" and he's frustrated he has to keep explaining himself because he thinks you won't hear him anyway, or he actually doesn't feel that way. You gotta figure out which one of those options is true. If it's the first thing, you're gonna have to let go of your emotions for long enough to rationally discuss the issue. If it's the second thing, you gotta get out of there.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    But why run? Does he seem like a bad guy? What are your impressions of him?

    He is a good guy. He is the most kind, honest, trustworthy man I have ever met. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't think with his heart EVER. It's like he doesn't even realize what he says can be taken a different way.
    If you love him, take the good with the bad and accept him as he is. You can calmly share your feelings with him, but the bottom line is what Evan so eloquently stated and that is you have to work on yourself and love yourself. When your boyfriend says something to you that can be interpreted multiple ways, why choose the negative interpretation? Be confident in yourself and your relationship and trust him as you say you do and choose the positive interpretation.

  3. #13
    Occasional Member Evan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I know I need him because I've tried life without him and it was hard. There isnt anyone like him, haha, it's really true. It's so hard to explain, but I know i'd NEVER find a guy like him again.
    I don't know if I can get through to you here...

    First of all, you having "tried life without him" isn't a valid sample from which to draw conclusions. And it doesn't sound like you've tried life without him at all...you've been holding out for him the whole time you were apart. Trying life without him would mean getting to a point where you don't NEED him. Then you let life happen for a while and decide whether he would make it worse or better. If the entire time you weren't with him, you were just sad about how he wasn't there, well, of course it's better with him there -- you never gave yourself a chance to feel otherwise.

    Secondly, just because there aren't people out there exactly like this guy doesn't mean that guys exactly like this are right for you. Again, until you're single and comfortable, you won't be able to tell what it is you actually need in a relationship. Without the position of power of being happy with yourself, you run the risk of seeking relationships to feel good about yourself in the short term instead of seeking relationships that will allow for your growth in the long term.

    And all of this about working on myself -- I mean, what am I going to fix? The fact that I'm insecure? I'm used to other guys pursuing me, and telling me how awesome my personality is and that they find me attractive. He isn't so forward about it, he isn't quick to say it. It's like I have to work hard to impress him, where other guys are drawn to me...
    You shouldn't judge yourself by how many guys are attracted to you. You have to judge yourself by your own standards. Do you like yourself? Are you pursuing personal growth? Are you comfortable? Are you anxious? It's almost impossible to answer these questions when your self-worth is predicated on other people's opinions of you. It seems like you need more personal emotional space to even realize that there's a process here you should embark upon.

  4. #14
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I'd say no. Im sure hes nice but he doesn't sound like the guy for you.

  5. #15
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    We ended the conversation on a good note and we understood eachother. He then called me and said "Ya know, I think I kind of understand why I am upset a little with how you feel. When a couple goes out to a bar together, and the girl is dressed up, guys tend to want to 'show off' their girl. Like, 'hey look at me, look at the girl I am with. Isn't she attractive, look how lucky I am...' and with you.........." ( WOW HE IS ABOUT TO MAKE ME FEEL AMAZING)

    "...........I don't feel that way. I don't have a need to show you off. I don't care. I'd rather people not look at you"

    It broke my heart. I want him to feel like I am a prize. That I am something special, something he is lucky to have. Instead, I feel like he is just marrying me because he needs someone to birth his children, and something to have sex with (we are both waiting til marriage, so sometimes I am worried that he just wants to get married so he can finally have sex...IRRATIONAL? probably...but still probable.....)
    As an aside, it might not be what you wanted to hear but there is really too much wrong about what the guy said. It sounds he might get jealous of other guys looking at you. Might be lacking in confidence himself.

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  6. #16
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Honestly this sounds like the typical pattern of an emotional abuser.

  7. #17
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    Go see a pre-marriage counselor with him, and/or see someone for yourself.

    Asking an Internet forum to help solve your relationship problems, is a bit like asking an Internet forum to help determine what that weird noise coming from your car engine is all about.

  8. #18
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Saturned View Post
    Go see a pre-marriage counselor with him, and/or see someone for yourself.

    Asking an Internet forum to help solve your relationship problems, is a bit like asking an Internet forum to help determine what that weird noise coming from your car engine is all about.
    We are in premartial counseling now. It helps a lot. Im sure we will end up talking aboout this

  9. #19
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Honestly this sounds like the typical pattern of an emotional abuser.
    How?

  10. #20
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    As an aside, it might not be what you wanted to hear but there is really too much wrong about what the guy said. It sounds he might get jealous of other guys looking at you. Might be lacking in confidence himself.
    Actually, me and him just had a long, long talk about this situation. He explained to me what he meant -- being the fact that he doesnt want guys looking at me and only looking at me as a body and not for who i am as a person. He said that he doesnt want guys looking at me that way, ya know. he said she of course he thinks im hot but he doesnt want other guys drooling over me. And that he finds it much more rewarding if a guy knows me as person and he can brag/show off my values, my sense of humor, my care for others. He'd rather guys want a girl like me for who i am rather than what I look like. he said he thinks im worth bragging about when it comes to how i treat others, how i view the world, my job, things of that nature. He wants people to see me for who i am not how I look.

    It made me feel so much better.

    He explained to me all of his thought process when we broke up and got back together. how he feels like he could never have a connection with anyone else like he has with me. How he enjoys our differences because we always work through them and become stronger people.

    He admitted that he didnt get a chance to explain all of what he was thinking at the time and knows that he needs to explain himself more so that I dont just to conclusions.

    He made me feel loved.

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