[ESFJ] How to deal with esfj employee?

[Anew Leaf]

I have this employee who tested as ESFJ and she definitely fits the bill. I genuinely like her and find her to be a pleasant addition to our team. However, there are days when she drives me absolutely insane.

The main issue is how "needy" she comes off to me. She constantly fishes for compliments on how she's doing at her job (I feel that I give adequate feedback in the form of "great job with x today!" or "you made a small mistake here, but we can easily fix it by doing y. No big deal!"), if I am talking to another employee she will stop what she is working on and come over to "be a part of our conversation", when she has made mistakes she acts like it's the end of the world (tears, near tears, apologies for days on end), and comes in on her day off to see what we are up to that day.

Suffice to say, I find myself withdrawing from too much interaction with her because I get overloaded with need.

So what I am asking, is there something I can do to try and offset our different approaches to things? (some happy medium to where I don't have to go too outside of my box.)

Thanks for any and all replies. .

 

[Glycerine]

From my experience with my ESFJ dad, he loves to be appreciated and hates feeling like he "let you down".... aka making a mistake concerning another person. It almost seems like his self-worth is contingent on not "failing" and "disappointing" others. I would say make sure to make it absolutely clear and definite that she didn't "fail" you...she knows where she stands with you.

 

[Anew Leaf]

From my experience with my ESFJ dad, he loves to be appreciated and hates feeling like he "let you down".... aka making a mistake concerning another person. It almost seems like his self-worth is contingent on not "failing" and "disappointing" others. I would say make sure to make it absolutely clear and definite that she didn't "fail" you...she knows where she stands with you.

@bold, that is the vibe I get from her too.

 

[CrystalViolet]

You are a brave woman, Saturned.

 

[Saslou]

You are a brave woman, Saturned.

What constructive advice

I have this employee who tested as ESFJ and she definitely fits the bill. I genuinely like her and find her to be a pleasant addition to our team. However, there are days when she drives me absolutely insane.

The main issue is how "needy" she comes off to me. She constantly fishes for compliments on how she's doing at her job (I feel that I give adequate feedback in the form of "great job with x today!" or "you made a small mistake here, but we can easily fix it by doing y. No big deal!"), if I am talking to another employee she will stop what she is working on and come over to "be a part of our conversation", when she has made mistakes she acts like it's the end of the world (tears, near tears, apologies for days on end), and comes in on her day off to see what we are up to that day.

Suffice to say, I find myself withdrawing from too much interaction with her because I get overloaded with need.

So what I am asking, is there something I can do to try and offset our different approaches to things? (some happy medium to where I don't have to go too outside of my box.)

Thanks for any and all replies. .

Ask one day if you can have lunch with her at the work canteen or something and tell her what you feel in a way that won't shred her confidence. Tell her you appreciate the great job she's doing but also that making a mistake isn't that big of a deal and give an example if possible. She may want to join in what you lot are doing because she feels like an outsider and possible have confidence issues. They can be forthcoming opening up when they don't feel like they are being attacked (my mother anyway). I find these guys to be so loyal when the shit has hit the fan and they'll do whatever they can to help.

Hope this helps.

 

[ColonelGadaafi]

tell her to stop being so needy and grow some self-esteem, lol.

 

[Giggly]

SJ's tend to like rules and structure so tell her and all the other employees that you're restructuring how you do quality control, feedback and employee evaluation in order to keep things streamlined. Make a memo to give to everyone or something if you have to so she doesn't feel singled out or sit down with each employee and explain it. Say that you want to limit feedback to certain times and by certain methods (whatever you choose those to be). Include whatever else you want too.

Resist any pull you may feel from her to become BFF's because this is bizness! She'll eventually accept it.

 

[Quinlan]

Fire her.





Wait, is she hot?

 

[EJCC]

From my (extensive ) experience with needy Fe -- and with Enneagram 2s (which she might be) -- everyone's advice so far is great. The key is making sure that she knows where she stands with you. She's neurotic about wanting to be useful and handy and not a failure, and if you are consistently honest with her (use your Te!), she'll trust you and will probably gain some confidence from your input -- meaning she won't be as whiny about it later. Also, when she joins into conversations like that, respecting her input and including her, without giving a vibe like she's a charity case. But like Giggly said, remember that this is business, and if you start going fake-Fe on her in response, she'll think it's real and you want to be friends.

 

[skylights]

she could be ennea 6, too, and feel unstable. that drives us nuuuuuuts. if i'm uncertain i will fish for a concrete answer as to where i stand in a relationship (being sx and all) because otherwise it occupies my headspace 24/7 and i get physical malady from it - vague nausea and vertigo feelings for dayz.

i think telling her where she stands with you is your best bet all-around.

 

[Halla74]

OK, I'm going to be blunt.
I have ZERO patience for "attention seeking" or "drama" or people being "over-friendly" at my job.
One of my best friends works at the same place as I do, in fact we're in the same unit, but unless we're working on something together we hardly see each other.
IMHO, this is part of being PROFESSIONAL. You are at your job to WORK, not to SOCIALIZE.

Other tidbits of wisdom from bloodbaths at jobs prior...

(1) People who like to TALK ALOT to YOU - also TALK ALOT to OTHER PEOPLE. They might very well just regurgitate EVERYTHING you said to them to someone else, with ZERO regard if doing so has any negative impact on you whatsoever. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that there are people out ther who will in fact INTENTIONALLY use anything you say to them as a means to cause trouble for you. Believe it.

(2) There's at least "one little jealous fucker" at every job. Average workers typically resent top performers, regardless if they are assholes OR good people or not, it doesn't matter. They are jealous because they are not getting raises, high profile projects, or promotions because they sit on their asses and produce average work. So, MISERY LOVES COMPANY, and once you're near the top of the hill, watch your back, there are plenty of folks who want to stick a steak knife in it. Little backstabber fucktards.

(3) Be wary of ANYONE who tries to "make friends with you" at the office, ESPECIALLY if you are their SUPERVISOR. I am blessed and have many wonderful friendships in my life. When I do meet new, cool people at a job, I keep them at the colleague level, until one or both of us leaves for a new position, and then I'll go hang out with them if we still keep up with each other. Play it safe. Good jobs are hard to come by. Real friends don't go anywhere, they keep in touch with you, if you keep in touch with them.

(4) TWO is a CONVERSATION, THREE is a CROWD.

(5) I hate it when people exaggerate their prior accomplishments to me. It really bores me, and I think it is disgustingly juvenile. I tell such people "Hey, I don't mind if you lie to your friends, but don't lie to me, OK?"

(6) When someone just starts emotionally vomitting all over me with all the gopped up gnarly details of their fukt relationship with their S.O. and how much of a bitch their sister is, and how their car is always broken , and wah-wah-wah - go call a fucking Wahhh-mbulance. It makes me sick. I simply tell them "Look, I'm sorry if you're going through a rough time, but I have alot of work to do, and I want to be home on time to eat dinner with my family. So, if you have any work related questions let me know. Otherwise, I hope things straighten out for you soon. Good luck."

(7) When in doubt, make sure you have a witness. Preferably someone in management, or at least your level on the "totem pole."

(8) The HR Department's job is to protect MANAGEMENT, not to protect YOU. More people get shit-canned after seeking assistance from their HR Department than you would ever imagine. If someone is giving you a hard time at the office, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING (e-mails, photos, videos, witnesses, all of it!) and build a case. Take it to your supervisor, and have them talk to the fucktard's supervisor. Don't forget to start looking for another job just in case, because if things get shitty, it's alot easier to leave than hope for a shitty job to get better.

(9) Don't EVER volunteer information.

(10) Bad news does not get better with time.

(11) DO NOT GOSSIP. If people try to gossip with you simply excuse yourself, they'll get the point.



-Alex

 

[Sinmara]

How old is she? And how old are you?

Yes, this is a valid question.

Some young people may think they have their act together, but their emotional maturity and coping mechanisms are still developing. Enabling their insecurities and co-dependency on your positive feedback is not helpful, neither to you as a professional nor to her as a developing adult. You're her supervisor, not her friend, and limits must be put in place and firmly, but not unkindly, enforced. However, if she's some young 20-something, I'd make these lessons more of a gentle nudge than a hammer, and you need to not take it too personally if she Kermit-flails in a tearful mess the first time you enforce your space or voice your professional concerns about her behavior at the workplace. Don't internalize problems that aren't yours. Sometimes growth hurts but she needs to learn what is and is not appropriate at the workplace. If she doesn't learn it from you, she'll learn it from someone else, and it'll probably hurt more.

If you are young as well and reasonably close to her in age, she may be having a problem where she sees you as a peer instead of a superior. If she doesn't understand the difference between the amiable emotional distance of a daily workplace acquaintance and the intimate, emotional bonding that happens in true friendship, again, she needs to learn. These relationship types can sometimes overlap, but this should not be the expectation.

However, if she is basically old enough to know better, this is not an issue that you need to nurture or handle with kid gloves, this is a full-blown personality flaw in an adult. Have a frank discussion with her about the inappropriateness of her showing up at her place of employment to hang out and socialize when you're trying to work, make it clear what the nature of your professional relationship is and what it is not, and make it very clear that if she goes fishing for more compliments than you are independently volunteering, your feedback may not always be complimentary. People who go fishing sometimes get sharks.

[MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION] makes some very good points, too. She could be sucking up and trying to get an "in" with her superior and making herself out to be a delicate little Fe flower to play on your empathy and force a bond. Before you deny that this is happening, some people are such good actors, and the reasons for their actions can be such a convoluted jumble, that they even fool themselves. Just be aware that it can happen.

 

[Southern Kross]

From what I can gather, this woman wants to do a good job and be a valued by you. However in her desperation to do so, she is behaving in such a way that is actually negating this intention, if not having the opposite effect altogether. Therefore it is not unimaginable that some well-intentioned, constructive advice on how she can improve her workplace conduct (ie. chill the hell out) may actually be welcomed by her. It may be that she feels such uncertainty about how she should behave and then clutches at straws in an attempt to guess. Some explicit advice on what not to do could give her the direction she desires and help your situation also. It's possible that she feels uncertain about what you want from her, because your INFP communication style isn't clear and precise enough for a EJ, and so she seeks further affirmation. A INFP is always going to be more comfortable with vagaries and open-endedness than a ESFJ. This is not to say that you are doing a bad job - only that sometimes we forget that others have different needs than our own.

This is not to say that she mightn't have neediness issues on top of this - that probably would complicate things further.

 

[Nicodemus]

 

[Glycerine]

Additional thoughts: I wasn't trying to insinuate "don't criticize" her but she needs clear and precise feedback on what's she's doing good and bad most likely. I am guessing she's trying to feel the group out and wants to be a bit more integrated into the group. I doubt that she's trying to suck up to you and become friends but that it's probably more about that she's not exactly sure about the group rules so she's floundering... the downfall of clumsy Fe.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Some great posts here that I am thinking about before responding further.

[MENTION=8494]Pettycure[/MENTION]; I am 33 and she is 42.

[MENTION=6109]Halla74[/MENTION]: great points, but unfortunately a lot don't work so well for me. I own my business and it's very small (about 6 part timers), and all women.

Update: Baby talk has entered the lexicon . She will be talking normal and then to be extra perky/friendly/what have you, she will start talking in a baby talk voice.

I need to hire an NTJ

 

[Giggly]

Additional thoughts: I wasn't trying to insinuate "don't criticize" her but she needs clear and precise feedback on what's she's doing good and bad most likely. I am guessing she's trying to feel the group out and wants to be a bit more integrated into the group. I doubt that she's trying to suck up to you and become friends but that it's probably more about that she's not exactly sure about the group rules so she's floundering... the downfall of clumsy Fe.

Agreed.

 

[Glycerine]

Some great posts here that I am thinking about before responding further.

Update: Baby talk has entered the lexicon . She will be talking normal and then to be extra perky/friendly/what have you, she will start talking in a baby talk voice.

Seriously!?!? I don't know what to say but I want to sincerely apologize for that. You have so much patience..... I would want to chew her out by that point.....

Uh oh, stop it NOW! She's probably trying to cement her role in the group now. If she's the oldest, it's probably going to the "mother hen" role. When EFJs have no idea where they stand in the group, they tend to default to the "father" or "mother" role.

Set the boundaries very clearly. Use the sandwich technique if you have to: say something positive, then negative, then positive to walk around her sensitivity.

EDIT: if all else fails, she just might not be the best fit for your company.

 

[Haven]

Regarding any criticism, make it seem impersonal, like "this is how we do things around here" rather than "please get away from me." Stepping it up a notch, weird looks and silence go a long way.

 

[Usehername]

(3) Be wary of ANYONE who tries to "make friends with you" at the office, ESPECIALLY if you are their SUPERVISOR. I am blessed and have many wonderful friendships in my life. When I do meet new, cool people at a job, I keep them at the colleague level, until one or both of us leaves for a new position, and then I'll go hang out with them if we still keep up with each other. Play it safe. Good jobs are hard to come by. Real friends don't go anywhere, they keep in touch with you, if you keep in touch with them.

Hey Halla,

Now that you've up and moved states, do you have any extra thoughts on this subject when you're a rolling stone just beginning to gather moss?