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[MBTI General] ENFP Female + ISTJ male-How to make it work
- Thread starter SPARKles
- Start date
Sorry,
I got very distracted the last few weeks. I really enjoyed all the posts. Mr ISTJ and I were doing great, having a really good time, getting closer, and then out of the blue without any provocation he decided that he and I were never going anywhere after all. The next day, oddly enough, I saw my old boyfriend that I hadn't seen in 9 months. I remembered why he and I (he's a Mastermind) just clicked so well together. We didn't even have to try. Though he's not ready for a serious relationship right now due to some other responsibilities, he's by beacon, my moon. If I don't end up with him, at the very least it must be someone like him. It was so much work trying to not be myself with Mr ISTJ. With the other, there's nothing about me that he doesn't accept. He never tries to control me or limit me. He makes me write the most fantastic stuff without even thinking about it. He's the voice I hear when I need to feel good about myself. I hear his voice.
That's my story. That's how it begins.
I got very distracted the last few weeks. I really enjoyed all the posts. Mr ISTJ and I were doing great, having a really good time, getting closer, and then out of the blue without any provocation he decided that he and I were never going anywhere after all. The next day, oddly enough, I saw my old boyfriend that I hadn't seen in 9 months. I remembered why he and I (he's a Mastermind) just clicked so well together. We didn't even have to try. Though he's not ready for a serious relationship right now due to some other responsibilities, he's by beacon, my moon. If I don't end up with him, at the very least it must be someone like him. It was so much work trying to not be myself with Mr ISTJ. With the other, there's nothing about me that he doesn't accept. He never tries to control me or limit me. He makes me write the most fantastic stuff without even thinking about it. He's the voice I hear when I need to feel good about myself. I hear his voice.
That's my story. That's how it begins.
JivinJeffJones
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This is why I
ENFPs. And I was just working myself up for a "run away from the ISTJ, little ENFP!" rant. I was formulating a 9/11 analogy. I'm sure you'll both be happier this way.I'm sorry, but even ENFPs with all our hopefulness have a limit at hearing NO. Even if his words don't match everything else. He said, "it shouldn't be this hard." I said, "You're right. Just remember that you're the one who made it hard." And he did. Man, I've never worked so hard to keep a relationship alive. I think that was the problem. I think I tried too hard. He's coming back into town today. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to my indifference that he's never yet experienced. Now that I've stopped fighting. I wish we didn't have such amazing chemistry. Just talking to him on the phone a few minutes the other day made me a wreck. Oh well. I don't think I'd call me fickle. I've been putting up with this guy for 8 months while EVERYONE of my friends, family and so on said 86 him, he isn't good enough for you. Even his friends said that. The thing is, I know once a committment was made he would put all his effort into making things work. If we can't even get there, it doesn't make a difference.
i know what you are going through, i really do
i have a good istj friend, and he is with an infp now
now there is a difference between infp and enfp, but i can tell you that either way you look at it it wont work, it simply wont
the istj friend is simply FREAKED out by the infp's extreme show of emotions and she is also incredibly tiring for him (and thats on an i-i relationship)
i can imagine that you being an enfp, will tire him out very fast, am i wrong in saying that your dates dont usualy last more than a few hours?
i have a good istj friend, and he is with an infp now
now there is a difference between infp and enfp, but i can tell you that either way you look at it it wont work, it simply wont
the istj friend is simply FREAKED out by the infp's extreme show of emotions and she is also incredibly tiring for him (and thats on an i-i relationship)
i can imagine that you being an enfp, will tire him out very fast, am i wrong in saying that your dates dont usualy last more than a few hours?
MetalWounds
More human than human
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My mother is an ENFP and my father is an ISTJ, they've been married for 20 something years. I don't really know how they "make it work" they are quite literally opposites, but they have a solid marriage. My point being, it is possible.
Blah blah exception to the rules.
Blah blah type theory.
A relationship is not so much who you are, but what you're willing to put into it. If you or your partner don't give it your best, it simply won't live up to what it could be.
End of story.
Blah blah exception to the rules.
Blah blah type theory.
A relationship is not so much who you are, but what you're willing to put into it. If you or your partner don't give it your best, it simply won't live up to what it could be.
End of story.
The funny thing is that now that I have backed off and told him that I was done with it, he has been really relaxed and happier around me and started showing interest again slowly. I think the problem was that he felt rushed by my trying to lead him to a conclusion he wasn't ready to reach.
Last night we were talking about this time when one of my roommates was crazy and he and I were dating then...he said he wished he could just forget that whole time in his life. I laughed and said, "me, too." I quickly got off the phone with him, leaving it on a good note. He called back a few minutes later. He said, "When I said that I wanted to forget that whole time, I didn't mean you. I didn't want you to think I meant you." He said it so sweetly. Lately we have been giving each other these really long sweet looks, keeping conversation light and friendly.
The thing is, I know I created the monster he became for a little while. I put him on the defensive. I backed him into a corner. It's the whole don't go near the cave lest you be burned by the dragon guarding it...Now that I am letting him come to me, he's letting himself get closer. I decided yesterday that the only way I'll feel safe getting back into a relationship with him is if he is initiating it all the way, every bit of it. If he decides it's what he wants, he will put all earnest effort into making it work. He will take the lead. He will make all the plans. He did before. I made the mistake of criticizing his efforts before.
In answer to your question about "will tire him out very fast, am i wrong in saying that your dates dont usualy last more than a few hours?", we both have very busy lives. We never have more than a few hours. I require downtime away from people, too, but I enjoy just having another's presence....I don't have to be talking to them to be happy. I enjoy just doing everyday things together, cooking, cleaning, working, etc...teamwork. He is very much a team player. I sense when he is needing quiet (he starts touching his glasses when I'm talking, and I know he needs me to be quiet) and so put my head to the grindstone and do something else. There's always something else for me to do.
My heart is still very much tied up with his, and it's obvious his is, too. I believe two people who want to make something work will. Once he wants to then we will really have something.
Last night we were talking about this time when one of my roommates was crazy and he and I were dating then...he said he wished he could just forget that whole time in his life. I laughed and said, "me, too." I quickly got off the phone with him, leaving it on a good note. He called back a few minutes later. He said, "When I said that I wanted to forget that whole time, I didn't mean you. I didn't want you to think I meant you." He said it so sweetly. Lately we have been giving each other these really long sweet looks, keeping conversation light and friendly.
The thing is, I know I created the monster he became for a little while. I put him on the defensive. I backed him into a corner. It's the whole don't go near the cave lest you be burned by the dragon guarding it...Now that I am letting him come to me, he's letting himself get closer. I decided yesterday that the only way I'll feel safe getting back into a relationship with him is if he is initiating it all the way, every bit of it. If he decides it's what he wants, he will put all earnest effort into making it work. He will take the lead. He will make all the plans. He did before. I made the mistake of criticizing his efforts before.
In answer to your question about "will tire him out very fast, am i wrong in saying that your dates dont usualy last more than a few hours?", we both have very busy lives. We never have more than a few hours. I require downtime away from people, too, but I enjoy just having another's presence....I don't have to be talking to them to be happy. I enjoy just doing everyday things together, cooking, cleaning, working, etc...teamwork. He is very much a team player. I sense when he is needing quiet (he starts touching his glasses when I'm talking, and I know he needs me to be quiet) and so put my head to the grindstone and do something else. There's always something else for me to do.
My heart is still very much tied up with his, and it's obvious his is, too. I believe two people who want to make something work will. Once he wants to then we will really have something.
JivinJeffJones
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What the? What happened to the Mastermind (post #22)? Now I'll be the first to admit that I have a tendency to side with ENFPs in almost any situation, but you're really testing the limits of my bias.
Are you 16 by any chance?
Are you 16 by any chance?
Fuent
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What does that mean? Doesn't everyone?
weepingcherry
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you know, this kind of makes me sad....i am an ENFP, .....and i am absoultley in love with an ISTJ, and....well, i LOVE him....
i have never loved someone that much... and i guess he loves me...
u know, being and ENFP, i have my doubts about other's feelings....besides some self steem issues, so im not sure he could love me...
many friends, say he does...and i've observed him, and well........he is always so caring, he looks after me, he holds my sight with his eyes in such a tender way...
when every he says hi...when he sees me, he gets all excited, and smiles, and gets happy, and hugs me so...carefully and kindly...
and he is always looking how to help....recently i broke a leg, and WOWW!! for real! i felt i was abussing of him!! he would do ANYTHING!!!!!!!! without me even asking....if i felt pain, he would see it on my face, and grab my leg tenderly and fix come pillows in the couch or something...
thus, he is careful not to show THAT MUCH care infront of others....as my parents jajajaja but as soon as they are gone....he is a sweet-heart.
besides, he is my best friend....he is my secret keeper, my ear, my shoulder...
and i am his..
what do u think about him?
sculpting
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On some level I want to laugh, cry a little, laugh some more and then drink several beers, dark wonderful stouts...
I can see this. I work with many ISTJs and I like them very much. My favortie the other day told me when everything in our workplace dissolves into utter chaos he thinks daydreams about unicorns and fields of flowers. Appreciate the humor as he is the director of quality assurance.
(I considered marrying him.)
Then he told me I have termites as I seem so happy and cheerful on the outside, but so riddled with angst on the inside. He said I need to stop caring about my workplace.
(my inner voice: would an istj like a termite ridden enfp?)
d@v3
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Bubbleboy
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I don't think it's an ISTJ issue to need control as much as a need to just know where he stands. But the short answer is for both of you to realize your limitations before you can fully appreciate how well you can share each other's strengths and mesh.
FallaciaSonata
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I don't have much of a leg to stand on with relationships, but I thought I'd throw a couple cents in. I would like to agree and possibly elaborate on Bubbleboy's post, if he doesn't mind.
Yes, for me at least, it's not a matter of control --- it's a matter of knowing where I stand, where you stand, etc. I just need to know where everything's at. Unfortunately, in life, I often resort to "controlling" my situations that way I can guarantee these things have a certain "location". So, don't think of control as the ultimate ISTJ goal, it's more like a side-effect to wanting a solid ground to stand on. (a solid past to reference, if you will.)
Now, not to stack the cards against you, but if you're truly as fickle as your posts would make you, here is where I imagine the friction occurs. He doesn't like you being fickle because it makes it impossible for him to form a....knowledge of where you both stand. (Because you change, on the outside at least, too frequently.) While you find a lack of predictability "fun", or "normal", an ISTJ would find that tortuous. (at least I do.)
I would recommend a compromise under normal circumstances, but unless you would both be happy with a compromise, then it would be pointless indeed. A relationship should be mutually-beneficial --- and as an ISTJ *would* say --- like a business contract.
Just take it seriously, and take it slow. You have to strike a balance between letting him have "control" as you call it, and you being "fickle" (for lack of a positive form of the word.) (Spontaneous doesn't quite fit.)
Ah, but of course, take it with a grain of salt. I am no professional --- I merely think I know it all. Have a good day. ; )
Yes, for me at least, it's not a matter of control --- it's a matter of knowing where I stand, where you stand, etc. I just need to know where everything's at. Unfortunately, in life, I often resort to "controlling" my situations that way I can guarantee these things have a certain "location". So, don't think of control as the ultimate ISTJ goal, it's more like a side-effect to wanting a solid ground to stand on. (a solid past to reference, if you will.)
Now, not to stack the cards against you, but if you're truly as fickle as your posts would make you, here is where I imagine the friction occurs. He doesn't like you being fickle because it makes it impossible for him to form a....knowledge of where you both stand. (Because you change, on the outside at least, too frequently.) While you find a lack of predictability "fun", or "normal", an ISTJ would find that tortuous. (at least I do.)
I would recommend a compromise under normal circumstances, but unless you would both be happy with a compromise, then it would be pointless indeed. A relationship should be mutually-beneficial --- and as an ISTJ *would* say --- like a business contract.
Just take it seriously, and take it slow. You have to strike a balance between letting him have "control" as you call it, and you being "fickle" (for lack of a positive form of the word.) (Spontaneous doesn't quite fit.)
Ah, but of course, take it with a grain of salt. I am no professional --- I merely think I know it all. Have a good day. ; )
alexx
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Well, 3 ISTJ's in my life, but mainly the one - yes.
And I don't know what I'm having for lunch today yet
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