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Thread: ENFP Female + ISTJ male-How to make it work

  1. #111
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Feb 2010


    Thanks to both of you for your replies!

    I know that I need to let him know what I want/need, but I guess finding the right way to say it is the more difficult part of it all for me. As you may have guessed from my original post, I have a tendency towards being overly verbose, and I don't want to muddle things up through an over-complication of words!

    IZ - It's not that I doubt his attraction towards me. In fact, I feel absolutely confident in that realm of things. It's more of a doubt about how he feels towards me on an emotional level, because of his responses to various things.

    I'm not at all certain that he is an ISTJ...just an educated guess, but I could definitely be wrong in it. I'd love to get him to take MB one of these days, so that I know for sure, as I think understanding personalities can be a huge help in working through obstacles in a relationship. Tips for convincing him to take the test??

    As for age, I'm 31, and he's 27, which I think plays its own role in things in that I've had several "serious" relationships, and I'm not certain that he's even had one. He'd been in the military up until 1.5 years ago (the same amount of time since he'd dated anyone) since he was 19. Even though I've had serious relationships in the past, no one I've dated has shown so little exterior emotion, so it's a change for me.

    I guess through it all, I'm also trying to bear in mind that it's only been about 6 weeks, and maybe I just need to be patient and let things happen as they will. Most of the time, I'm okay with where things are at, but occassionally, a sort of angst appears due to his lack of reassurance that he's "into me."

  2. #112
    Let's make this showy! Array raz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008


    Hiya. So, like, I went on Craigslist to try that whole, rent a girlfriend thing, and I found this ENFP girl that lives 15 mins from me. She's a feminist blah blah. Pretty cool to talk to, I think, a little defensive. Asked her to meet up, said she has to get to know me a little bit more. I need more time to stalk her! DAMMIT!

  3. #113
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Aug 2010


    I am an ENFP, and I've been with a ISTJ for almost a year now. I can easily understand an ENFP doubting the feelings of an ISTJ. But I have to tell you -- those feelings ARE there. You just need to be patient and express in a concrete way how you feel. With my ISTJ, I mentioned how I keep his emails because when he is busy or not around, reading them makes me feel happy and loved without having to bother him for constant affirmation. Since then, he has made it a point to send me long emails once a month or so about how much he loves me and thinks of me and appreciates me. This keeps my ISTJ happy becuase it is something concrete and scheduled he can do to make me feel good, and it keeps my ENFP self feeling loved and appreciated.

  4. #114
    Senior Member Array pinkgraffiti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    748 sx/so


    sorry to resurrect an old thread, but this is incredibly true. do you still have the link to this website, so I can find descriptions for the other types? Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed Justice View Post
    Be encouraged. The fact that you care about these things says a lot in the first place, imo.

    I don't think children look at me as someone who is "in charge" either. Perhaps they see me as someone who is safe and who they can trust to be in the lead when they are lost or in need of guidance or protection, but not necessarily someone who is "in charge". I set clear and firm limits when I feel it necessary, but my parenting style does not place emphasis on authority and control.

    No, of course not. Why would you want to hurt a child's feelings? Not my thing either. Of course, I unintentionally do it sometimes because I occasionally lack the ability or the know-how, in the moment, to handle things differently. When I make mistakes, misjudgments, or act in ways that I ,or my son, finds disrespectful, I call myself on it and apologize. I believe modeling appropriate behavior for a child to be more effective, in the long-run, and respectful, than "taking charge" of them. I really do believe that children learn what they live, and behave as well as they are treated.

    Parenting is just another part of the journey. I don't think there's ever a point in which you're confident that you're doing it all "right", cause you never are doing it all right-which is alright. I'm always looking for new information and better ways to deal with certain issues. All about the improvement, you know? At the same time, I feel secure in my parenting style, and I use my relationship with my son as a gauge to how things are working. Like all relationships, we have our ups and downs.

    Haha! Yea, I don't know too many people who are fans of poop and vomit. In the grand scheme of things though, poop and vomit are relatively minor.

    No, your life doesn't go on hold when you become a parent. Being a parent simply becomes a part of your life and your identity.

    There's nothing wrong with being selfish and self-centered. You're single! Just wait until you feel ready to give of yourself. Enjoy your life as a single person, figure out who you are and what you're about. Take this time to learn about different parenting styles and ways of living and being with children.

    I appreciate that. Most of our issues were apparent within the first three months of being together.

    From "Just Your Type":

    ISTJs are usually attracted to ENFPs:
    High energy
    Way of saying and doing things that are often irreverent, clever, and original
    Emotional availability

    ENFPs are usually attracted to ISTJs
    Sense of responsibility

    ISTJs often help ENFPs
    Focus more carefully on the facts, details, and individual steps of projects
    Become more direct, assertive, and less conflict avoidant

    ENFPs often help ISTJs
    Enjoy themselves and have fun
    Take occasional risk
    Cultivate a gentler side
    Become more patient
    Become more flexible and open to new ideas


    This pairing typically has to work very hard, on a daily basis, in order to maintain the relationship

    ENFPs often complain that ISTJs:
    Don't talk or share their inner world enough
    Are too structured
    Too confrontational
    Prefer to stick with established routines and are difficult to convince to try new experiences
    Resist change and the discussion of possibilities
    Squelch their enthusiasm for the possibilities
    Control, stifle, and criticize them

    ISTJs often complain that ENFPs:
    Talk too much
    Talk too much about possibilities and things that will likely never happen
    Make leaps in logic
    Are unpredictable, emotional, and often lack follow through

    Other problems:
    In conflict, ISTJs usually want to withdraw into silence to work through their feelings, but ENFPs typically want to work out problems as they arise in order to reestablish harmony.
    Both partners often feel misunderstood and unappreciated as a result of the above.
    Have a tendency to fall into patterns of arguing and blaming

    ISTJs in the study most valued:
    Mutual Support
    Being listened to
    Mutual Commitment
    Shared Values

    ENFPs most valued:
    Being listened to
    Mutual Commitment
    Having fun together
    Mutual support

    Other tidbits:
    Relationship satisfaction between NFPs and STJs was about 42%.
    92% of all couples in the study, of every type, considered "good communication" the hallmark of a satisfying relationship
    The better the couples rated their communication, the better they rated their relationship
    The more type preferences a couple had in common, the higher they rated their satisfaction with their communication

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