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  1. #91
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    Yea, pretty wild actually!

    He thinks I'm a very caring person. He thinks I'm ridiculously patient and is still wowed by my willingness to do for other people. He used to think I was very naive because of the way I trust people, but apparently he always admired that. He likes that I'm spontaneous and that I can be just as equally serious as silly. He likes that I often just bust out with a goofy dance or face, or just say something ridiculous and intentionally off topic, without him seeing it coming. I play dumb with him a lot(in jest), but I can never keep a straight face when I'm joking, and he gets a kick out of that. He says that he thinks I'm one of the most intelligent people he's ever met, and the ideal mother.
    That is so neat that a lot of that is so similar to what my ISTJ says too! Insane how that works I wanted to ask, this may get off topic a bit, but how is the 'raising kids' department? I am slightly more than terrified to be a mother, but I feel like my ISTJ senses that, haha. I just can't envision some of my qualities as 'mom-worthy'. Guess I am spoiled by my ESFJ mom ... But! seeing as how your husband sees you as being a great mom I guess it can be done!! What advice can u give me??


    He can say very nice things about me, but he does(and also says) things that I find very hurtful, so I have a hard time hearing and processing the good.
    :sad: Wow, I'm sorry for that. Are these things that he does related to just his 'type' or just him as a person? Does he understand that he is hurting you when he does these things?

    I think it's a very good book. It touches on the pros and cons of the romantic pairings between all of the types. It was based on a study done on a couple thousand people and their relationships. It gets into relationship satisfaction by type and by pairing. In their study, the ENFP/ISTJ match was one of the most prevalent. I was surprised by that. I can give you a briefing on that section if you want.
    That sounds great! That kinda surprises me too I would love to hear a briefing!!

  2. #92
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    That is so neat that a lot of that is so similar to what my ISTJ says too! Insane how that works
    Yes, it is.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I wanted to ask, this may get off topic a bit, but how is the 'raising kids' department? I am slightly more than terrified to be a mother, but I feel like my ISTJ senses that, haha. I just can't envision some of my qualities as 'mom-worthy'. Guess I am spoiled by my ESFJ mom ... But! seeing as how your husband sees you as being a great mom I guess it can be done!! What advice can u give me??
    Aww....It can totally be done.
    Funny thing, I was completely against the idea of having children until I was about 17. Then suddenly I wanted like, 12 children-not joking. I really fell in love with children at that time. I took temporary custody of a friend of mine's son when he was an infant and I was a sophomore/junior in college. I learned a lot about myself from my interaction with him and changed my entire perspective on child-rearing as a result of the years that we spent together. The two of our personalities really just clicked(he's an ISFP) and we had a wonderful time together. Somehow I managed to go to work, pass my class, and keep him alive.

    My biological son is my heart and soul. We're very close and have lots of fun together. He's extremely outgoing and active, and way more intelligent than his mother. He seems very EXFJish. He will definitely view me as absent-minded. He'll say, "Mom, you didn't take your shoes off when you came inside the house, and we don't want the carpet to get dirty." I almost left my bank card in the ATM machine last week, and he caught that one too, thank goodness. He's a trip though. I'll say something like, "Oh, thanks so much for reminding me. I forget things a lot, don't I?". He'll reply something like, "It's OK Mommie. Everyone forgets things sometimes. You help me to tie my shoes, and I help you to remember things."

    I work from home, and we have very flexible lives. I don't feel much outside pressure as far as there's no rushing out the door to get to school or any of that stuff. For now, I follow my son's lead, for the most part. That type of arrangement works best for the both of us.

    We do all sorts of things together though. We play video games, I collect the neighborhood children and they play in our backyard, we go to bounce houses(so much fun..omg), we go to museums and aquariums. I've taken him to a few puppet shows and one musical. He takes swimming lessons and I've been the team mom for his t-ball team twice now(fun stuff!!). He definitely activates my inner child, and he tells everyone that we're a "team"...lol. At the same time, I don't have any trouble letting him know where my limits are, and he freely articulates how he feels when he thinks I've done something to upset him. I try my best to foster a cooperative relationship with him.

    Relationship stress has definitely taken a real toll on me though. I think it's especially important for us(ENFP women) that we find partners who we really find respect and joy with because we have that tendency to absorb the energy around us and it pervades every area of our lives.

    I feel very fortunate to have both little guys in my life. I think children can open our eyes in so many ways, if we allow them.

    In any case, what concerns you most about being a mother?


    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    :sad: Wow, I'm sorry for that. Are these things that he does related to just his 'type' or just him as a person? Does he understand that he is hurting you when he does these things?
    It's a lot of both really. He does understand after I tell him.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    That sounds great! That kinda surprises me too I would love to hear a briefing!!
    Ok, I'll post it for you.
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  3. #93
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post

    My biological son is my heart and soul. We're very close and have lots of fun together. He's extremely outgoing and active, and way more intelligent than his mother. He seems very EXFJish. He will definitely view me as absent-minded. He'll say, "Mom, you didn't take your shoes off when you came inside the house, and we don't want the carpet to get dirty." I almost left my bank card in the ATM machine last week, and he caught that one too, thank goodness. He's a trip though. I'll say something like, "Oh, thanks so much for reminding me. I forget things a lot, don't I?". He'll reply something like, "It's OK Mommie. Everyone forgets things sometimes. You help me to tie my shoes, and I help you to remember things."
    Awww you son sounds sooo cute!! You and his relationship does seem very strong such an encouragement!!


    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    I don't have any trouble letting him know where my limits are, and he freely articulates how he feels when he thinks I've done something to upset him. I try my best to foster a cooperative relationship with him.
    I think this is where i am worried, I guess I feel like kids look at my more like a 'friend' than someone who is 'in charge'. (and I am in my 20s)

    I find this when I babysit or even hang out with kids who are like 6 or 7. If I try and take charge, I feel bad. Like, I don't want to hurt kids' feelings or be the bad guy. It's like I want them to like me/be my friend and also respect me as an adult.

    I do hear that its different when it's your own kid and the awkwardness goes away..but what if it doesn't and now my life is just full of awkward parenting Not to mention, i'm not a fan of poop and vomit. Ahhh just thinking about it makes me nervous, I know that being a parent means you need to put your own life on hold.. maybe i'm too selfish and self-centered?

    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    Relationship stress has definitely taken a real toll on me though. I think it's especially important for us(ENFP women) that we find partners who we really find respect and joy with because we have that tendency to absorb the energy around us and it pervades every area of our lives.
    I am sorry your relationship is giving you so much stress, I do hope it works out in the end. Did you find these ISTJ/ENFP problems to develop after marriage, or was it like that before?

    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    Ok, I'll post it for you.
    Greatly looking forward to it!!!!

  4. #94
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Awww you son sounds sooo cute!! You and his relationship does seem very strong such an encouragement!!
    Be encouraged. The fact that you care about these things says a lot in the first place, imo.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I think this is where i am worried, I guess I feel like kids look at my more like a 'friend' than someone who is 'in charge'. (and I am in my 20s)
    I don't think children look at me as someone who is "in charge" either. Perhaps they see me as someone who is safe and who they can trust to be in the lead when they are lost or in need of guidance or protection, but not necessarily someone who is "in charge". I set clear and firm limits when I feel it necessary, but my parenting style does not place emphasis on authority and control.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I find this when I babysit or even hang out with kids who are like 6 or 7. If I try and take charge, I feel bad. Like, I don't want to hurt kids' feelings or be the bad guy. It's like I want them to like me/be my friend and also respect me as an adult.
    No, of course not. Why would you want to hurt a child's feelings? Not my thing either. Of course, I unintentionally do it sometimes because I occasionally lack the ability or the know-how, in the moment, to handle things differently. When I make mistakes, misjudgments, or act in ways that I ,or my son, finds disrespectful, I call myself on it and apologize. I believe modeling appropriate behavior for a child to be more effective, in the long-run, and respectful, than "taking charge" of them. I really do believe that children learn what they live, and behave as well as they are treated.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I do hear that its different when it's your own kid and the awkwardness goes away..but what if it doesn't and now my life is just full of awkward parenting Not to mention, i'm not a fan of poop and vomit. Ahhh just thinking about it makes me nervous, I know that being a parent means you need to put your own life on hold.. maybe i'm too selfish and self-centered?
    Parenting is just another part of the journey. I don't think there's ever a point in which you're confident that you're doing it all "right", cause you never are doing it all right-which is alright. I'm always looking for new information and better ways to deal with certain issues. All about the improvement, you know? At the same time, I feel secure in my parenting style, and I use my relationship with my son as a gauge to how things are working. Like all relationships, we have our ups and downs.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Not to mention, i'm not a fan of poop and vomit. Ahhh just thinking about it makes me nervous, I know that being a parent means you need to put your own life on hold.. maybe i'm too selfish and self-centered?
    Haha! Yea, I don't know too many people who are fans of poop and vomit. In the grand scheme of things though, poop and vomit are relatively minor.

    No, your life doesn't go on hold when you become a parent. Being a parent simply becomes a part of your life and your identity.

    There's nothing wrong with being selfish and self-centered. You're single! Just wait until you feel ready to give of yourself. Enjoy your life as a single person, figure out who you are and what you're about. Take this time to learn about different parenting styles and ways of living and being with children.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I am sorry your relationship is giving you so much stress, I do hope it works out in the end. Did you find these ISTJ/ENFP problems to develop after marriage, or was it like that before?
    I appreciate that. Most of our issues were apparent within the first three months of being together.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    Greatly looking forward to it!!!!
    From "Just Your Type":

    ISTJs are usually attracted to ENFPs:
    High energy
    Enthusiasm
    Optimism
    Creativity
    Way of saying and doing things that are often irreverent, clever, and original
    Warmth
    Emotional availability

    ENFPs are usually attracted to ISTJs
    :
    Steadiness
    Sense of responsibility
    Calm
    Focus
    Down-to-earthiness
    Dependability
    Unflappability

    ISTJs often help ENFPs
    :
    Focus more carefully on the facts, details, and individual steps of projects
    Become more direct, assertive, and less conflict avoidant
    Organized
    Accountable
    Realistic

    ENFPs often help ISTJs
    :
    Relax
    Enjoy themselves and have fun
    Take occasional risk
    Cultivate a gentler side
    Become more patient
    Become more flexible and open to new ideas

    Frustrations
    :

    This pairing typically has to work very hard, on a daily basis, in order to maintain the relationship

    ENFPs often complain that ISTJs:
    Don't talk or share their inner world enough
    Are too structured
    Predictable
    Too confrontational
    Prefer to stick with established routines and are difficult to convince to try new experiences
    Resist change and the discussion of possibilities
    Squelch their enthusiasm for the possibilities
    Control, stifle, and criticize them

    ISTJs often complain that ENFPs:
    Talk too much
    Talk too much about possibilities and things that will likely never happen
    Make leaps in logic
    Are unpredictable, emotional, and often lack follow through

    Other problems:
    In conflict, ISTJs usually want to withdraw into silence to work through their feelings, but ENFPs typically want to work out problems as they arise in order to reestablish harmony.
    Both partners often feel misunderstood and unappreciated as a result of the above.
    Have a tendency to fall into patterns of arguing and blaming


    ISTJs in the study most valued:
    Fidelity
    Mutual Support
    Being listened to
    Mutual Commitment
    Shared Values
    Companionship
    Security

    ENFPs most valued:
    Being listened to
    Mutual Commitment
    Intimacy
    Fidelity
    Having fun together
    Mutual support
    Humor

    Other tidbits:
    Relationship satisfaction between NFPs and STJs was about 42%.
    92% of all couples in the study, of every type, considered "good communication" the hallmark of a satisfying relationship
    The better the couples rated their communication, the better they rated their relationship
    The more type preferences a couple had in common, the higher they rated their satisfaction with their communication
    There is a thinking stuff from which all things are made, and which, in its original state, permeates, penetrates, and fills the interspaces of the universe.

  5. #95
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alexx View Post
    It doesn't.


    You end up with a very controlling man that must know what you had for lunch that day.

    You must've gotten burnt. Real bad.

  6. #96
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FallaciaSonata View Post
    I don't have much of a leg to stand on with relationships, but I thought I'd throw a couple cents in. I would like to agree and possibly elaborate on Bubbleboy's post, if he doesn't mind.

    Yes, for me at least, it's not a matter of control --- it's a matter of knowing where I stand, where you stand, etc. I just need to know where everything's at. Unfortunately, in life, I often resort to "controlling" my situations that way I can guarantee these things have a certain "location". So, don't think of control as the ultimate ISTJ goal, it's more like a side-effect to wanting a solid ground to stand on. (a solid past to reference, if you will.)

    Now, not to stack the cards against you, but if you're truly as fickle as your posts would make you, here is where I imagine the friction occurs. He doesn't like you being fickle because it makes it impossible for him to form a....knowledge of where you both stand. (Because you change, on the outside at least, too frequently.) While you find a lack of predictability "fun", or "normal", an ISTJ would find that tortuous. (at least I do.)

    I would recommend a compromise under normal circumstances, but unless you would both be happy with a compromise, then it would be pointless indeed. A relationship should be mutually-beneficial --- and as an ISTJ *would* say --- like a business contract.

    Just take it seriously, and take it slow. You have to strike a balance between letting him have "control" as you call it, and you being "fickle" (for lack of a positive form of the word.) (Spontaneous doesn't quite fit.)



    Ah, but of course, take it with a grain of salt. I am no professional --- I merely think I know it all. Have a good day. ; )
    Well said.

  7. #97
    Senior Member alexx's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    You must've gotten burnt. Real bad.
    Not really - we are still friends.

    89% Extroverted ~ 68% Intuition ~ 84% Feeling ~ 89% Perceiving
    Enneagram: 2w1 SO/SP Socionics: ENFp
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    Se 30.4% Si 19.1% - Ne 38.4% Ni 26.4% - Te 23.1% Ti 20% - Fe 46.4% Fi 35.8%
    Sanguine | Phlegmatic
    Right Brain Dominant

  8. #98
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alexx View Post
    Not really - we are still friends.
    That's good. The way you describe it you sound like you hate this guy!

  9. #99
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    the good thing about being polar opposites is that,
    you operate on the same wave-length,
    but from different perspectives

    its difficult to look to your shadow for guidance
    but its the most potent and hidden wisdom in that,
    under stress, your " opposite " self appears

    doing so may be of great benefit,
    but it starts within
    and if he cannot or will not do the same
    ISTJ or not..........its not a relationship
    right ?

  10. #100
    Perfect Gentleman! =D d@v3's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alexx View Post
    Not really - we are still friends.
    LIES! Alexx you are all the time dissin' ISTJ's in vent!
    Freedom Isn't Free. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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