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  1. #1
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    Default The INFP Guide for ISFJs

    So here are some thoughts I had about my own INFP 4w5 views on ISFJs. Maybe it could be a sort of guide?

    Talk to us about how things should be.

    We're both good at doing this and we both enjoy it, so just talk about it. We both want life to slow down and we both want everyone to stop and smell the roses. Our reasons for doing this may be different, but we both agree on the fundamentals. We see you as a type of MBTI cousin; the same, but different. You would do well to make good use of us in an intellectual and imaginative sense. We know that you already know this, but it's worth reiterating. We can judge your Se and can tell you when it's taking you overboard. You're nice enough not to let our admonishments hurt you too much. When this happens, talk to us about why we both got bent out of shape, about how things should be and why you think you overindulge in Se at times. We can give you good, useful and friendly advice.

    Appreciate us.

    You want to be all things to all people but remember to put us somewhere near the top of your list - we will not betray you, which is your secret fear. INFPs have their core principles and one of them is integrity. Don't ever arrive late to meet us because you were busy trying to please all and sundry. This makes us think that other people are higher on the list than us. We realise that you enjoy other people for the various qualities they bring you, but do not spurn us. You'll never find a more loyal ally. When you're backed into a corner, you'll find us already hiding in the shadow. That's where we like to hang out. No-one bothers us there.

    Don't look at us like freaks because we'd rather stay at home and read than go out all night!

    We know you're in Se overload all the time but understand that we recharge by being alone or by doing quiet activities. Going to watch 10 bands play all-night long is good once in a while, but most of the time it just sounds like a terrible drain! Don't look at us as killjoys; just respect our quiet time. You can come back and tell us about your adventures - we always like to hear about them.

    Don't worry about letting us down.

    I know we're quite aloof but we like you a lot. You're a lot less effort than a lot of other people and you never get annoyed at us if we want to talk about poetry or wax lyrical about the injustice of life. If you're an ISFJ 7, then we like your fun, optimistic attitude because it's inoffensive and you don't make us feel bad about feeling down. If you're an ISFJ 9, then your softness is enjoyable and it's fun to tease you a little bit about your desire to play "happy family!!!" We don't worry about you letting us down; you shouldn't worry either.

    Reassure us.

    You're quite good at doing that and we INFPs always need reassurance! Don't be fake about it, though; we can spot that.

    Collude with us!

    Come and find us hiding in the corner at a house party. You'll enjoy our wry commentary on everything and everyone. You fancy our iNtuition and we know it. Come and stroke our ego. Flattery gets you everywhere. You are immediately disarming because we know that you are not deceptive. We've got your number right from the start...

    Teach us about Sensing. Please.

    We know it's good for us but it's so bloody hard to get out of bed or off the sofa. We need your enthusiasm about life and we need you to talk to us in a language we understand. Tell us how great it'll be and how we can forget about all the other fuckers in life who don't know what they're missing. We want you to take us out or play some sport - as long as you're not too competitive - because we secretly know it'll do us good. The easier you make it for us, the more likely we are to join you in your Sense-fest.

    Don't be upset if we're moody.

    It's probably not your fault. In fact, it's almost certainly not, or we would've told you by now. Wait for an hour and then ask us what the problem is; any earlier and you'll just get Fi rage. Nobody really likes that. Not even us.
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  2. #2
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Was this post intended for Se-doms? ISFJs are Si-doms and some of this doesn't quite apply to us...
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  3. #3
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Keep in mind that Se is #5 in the ISFJ function listing, which puts it in the subconscious categories. Granted, it's better than us INFPs, where Se is at the #7 Trickster spot, but I wouldn't expect an ISFJ to teach me about Se. (Unless you are going by Socionics, which changes the game.)

    I'm not sure how I feel about the above list, so I'll keep quiet there. ISFJs have been some of my better friends over the years. However, the one area I really struggle with my ISFJ friends or potentials is a tendency to not tell me what they are thinking if they think I might get offended or upset. They have such good thoughts and advice, and I'd wish they'd feel safer in sharing that with me!

  4. #4
    Senior Member Adasta's Avatar
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    I didn't mean Se at all! For some reason I was using it as an abbreviation of Sensing in general. Terrible, really. Sorry about that.
    That girls are raped, that two boys knife a third,
    Were axioms to him, who'd never heard
    Of any world where promises were kept,
    Or one could weep because another wept.

  5. #5
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Ah, I understand. I'd like to comment then

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    So here are some thoughts I had about my own INFP 4w5 views on ISFJs. Maybe it could be a sort of guide?
    Okie dokie!

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Talk to us about how things should be.

    We're both good at doing this and we both enjoy it, so just talk about it. We both want life to slow down and we both want everyone to stop and smell the roses. Our reasons for doing this may be different, but we both agree on the fundamentals. We see you as a type of MBTI cousin; the same, but different. You would do well to make good use of us in an intellectual and imaginative sense. We know that you already know this, but it's worth reiterating. We can judge your Se and can tell you when it's taking you overboard. You're nice enough not to let our admonishments hurt you too much. When this happens, talk to us about why we both got bent out of shape, about how things should be and why you think you overindulge in Se at times. We can give you good, useful and friendly advice.
    Erm...What exactly does it mean to be making "too much use of our Sensing" in terms of going overboard? I'm not arguing I'm not guilty of this, I just don't understand what you mean by this.

    I mean it all sounds like very helpful advice, I just dunno what for

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Appreciate us.

    You want to be all things to all people but remember to put us somewhere near the top of your list - we will not betray you, which is your secret fear. INFPs have their core principles and one of them is integrity. Don't ever arrive late to meet us because you were busy trying to please all and sundry. This makes us think that other people are higher on the list than us. We realise that you enjoy other people for the various qualities they bring you, but do not spurn us. You'll never find a more loyal ally. When you're backed into a corner, you'll find us already hiding in the shadow. That's where we like to hang out. No-one bothers us there.
    How I treat you depends on what station you are with me. My "order of concern" if you will, the categories in which I divide people falls into the following order from greatest to least

    1) Family (which can include my S.O. if we're married but always includes my children)
    2) S.O. (if we're not married)
    3) Friends
    4) Everyone else

    If you are my S.O. or a member of my family then you will always have my top priority. If you're not...well...I'm sorry, but you'll never hold that place. I always place the needs of my S.O. or my family above my friends.

    Sorry

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Don't look at us like freaks because we'd rather stay at home and read than go out all night!
    Being an introvert, this doesn't really bother me. So long as you paid attention to me every now and then, we'd be cool

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    We know you're in Se overload all the time but understand that we recharge by being alone or by doing quiet activities. Going to watch 10 bands play all-night long is good once in a while, but most of the time it just sounds like a terrible drain! Don't look at us as killjoys; just respect our quiet time. You can come back and tell us about your adventures - we always like to hear about them
    Are you sure you weren't directing this to Extroverted Sensors (ESFJ, ESTJ, ESFP, ESTP) ? ISFJs aren't exactly the adventuring and/or swashbuckling type. I like to go out, sure, but only with companions. Otherwise I'd much rather stay home.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Don't worry about letting us down.

    I know we're quite aloof but we like you a lot. You're a lot less effort than a lot of other people and you never get annoyed at us if we want to talk about poetry or wax lyrical about the injustice of life. If you're an ISFJ 7, then we like your fun, optimistic attitude because it's inoffensive and you don't make us feel bad about feeling down. If you're an ISFJ 9, then your softness is enjoyable and it's fun to tease you a little bit about your desire to play "happy family!!!" We don't worry about you letting us down; you shouldn't worry either.
    Thanks, and I'll try. I see my friendships and relationships as things that carry a lot of responsibility from me and when I fail in my duties to my loved ones, I feel as though I am not worthy of their esteem and that greatly bothers me. I do not take the bonds I establish with people lightly.

    One of the best things someone can do to me when I've found myself in an Si-Fe loop after I've screwed up is to just hug me or just stay close to me and be nice. I know I'm really hard on myself but having that calm reassurance from someone can break me out of that loop.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Reassure us.

    You're quite good at doing that and we INFPs always need reassurance! Don't be fake about it, though; we can spot that.
    I have no problem doing this, just make it very clear to me that it's ok for me to express myself in this regard. I have strict guidelines on how I am to behave with my friends and loved ones and if I'm not doing it enough for you, then please explain to me how I can. It's not that I don't want to reassure you properly, it's that I may just not know how.

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Collude with us!

    Come and find us hiding in the corner at a house party. You'll enjoy our wry commentary on everything and everyone. You fancy our iNtuition and we know it. Come and stroke our ego. Flattery gets you everywhere. You are immediately disarming because we know that you are not deceptive. We've got your number right from the start...
    This is easy to do, and I'd be glad to do it. Strictly speaking for me though, please don't be offended if I come across an ExxP female and you find my attention drifting towards them every now and then. They always grab my attention, it's not you. Mind you of course then doesn't apply if you are my S.O., then you'll have my complete attention

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Teach us about Sensing. Please.

    We know it's good for us but it's so bloody hard to get out of bed or off the sofa. We need your enthusiasm about life and we need you to talk to us in a language we understand. Tell us how great it'll be and how we can forget about all the other fuckers in life who don't know what they're missing. We want you to take us out or play some sport - as long as you're not too competitive - because we secretly know it'll do us good. The easier you make it for us, the more likely we are to join you in your Sense-fest.
    This doesn't sound too hard. I'm more into the softer things myself. You better believe though that I'm taking you out ballroom dancing!

    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Don't be upset if we're moody.

    It's probably not your fault. In fact, it's almost certainly not, or we would've told you by now. Wait for an hour and then ask us what the problem is; any earlier and you'll just get Fi rage. Nobody really likes that. Not even us.
    Understood, I can be the same way sometimes. Just know that we love you and it hurts us to see you in pain and to not be able to actively do something about it
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  6. #6
    Blah Orangey's Avatar
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    LMAO, you really did mean Se. You're barking up the wrong tree aiming most of this at ISFJs.
    Artes, Scientia, Veritasiness

  7. #7
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    I've got to say that this is really very far from describing my dynamic with ISFJ friends. For one thing, I'd say that I'm usually quite happy to putter around on my own for extended periods without feeling the need to be connected to friends and family whereas the ISFJs I know seem to be far more appreciative of external validation. Case in point: I still haven't figured out a way to accept even genuine compliments easily without feeling super awkward whereas my ISFJ friends have a knack not only for accepting compliments but for throwing a bone right back at you just as gracefully at the same time.

    I do agree with the "Don't be upset if we're moody" point but I think it works both ways. Far too often, I'm utterly mystified to find an ISFJ brooding about something I don't even remember having said or done at some incredibly remote point in the past when we could be having shiny happy times eating ice cream and riding imaginary ponies in the present. The categories of things we're offended by don't overlap exactly and learning what upsets the other is frequently the biggest part of the challenge.

    Honestly, I have to say that I'd appreciate an ISFJ guide for INFPs because the only times they really bother me are when I manage to piss them off which happens far more often than it should. TRUFAX: I have a special knack for pissing off ISFJs.

  8. #8
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Adasta View Post
    Don't be upset if we're moody.

    It's probably not your fault. In fact, it's almost certainly not, or we would've told you by now. Wait for an hour and then ask us what the problem is; any earlier and you'll just get Fi rage. Nobody really likes that. Not even us.
    This is probably the most relevant in regards to my personal relationships with ISFJs. I admit I can be moody, and it's often unrelated to anyone/anything around me at the moment. I guess I'd tell ISFJs that they need not take it personally, that it's not their responsibility to "fix" it for me either. I agree that it's best to just let the INFP be. My ISFJ mom complains I "bite her head off" when she's just trying to help, but when I'm in a bad mood I'm impatient with stupid questions or half-baked suggestions, where otherwise I am usually pretty patient.

    I think ISFJs, over all, bend to accommodate & understand me more (some of the few people who do, so I really appreciate it), so I'd like to ask them what INFPs can do for them.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  9. #9
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    NOTED

  10. #10
    Seriously Delirious Udog's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    I think ISFJs, over all, bend to accommodate & understand me more (some of the few people who do, so I really appreciate it), so I'd like to ask them what INFPs can do for them.
    I have to admit, that was my first thought after reading this. I don't relate to a lot of those listed issues either, but I can't claim to speak for all INFPs on that account.

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