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  1. #1
    Member Faine's Avatar
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    Question I need some advice from ISTJs, INFJs... or anyone, really.

    Edit: Thank you to everyone who responded here, but I decided to delete this post due to it's personal nature.
    Last edited by Faine; 05-26-2011 at 07:13 PM.
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  2. #2
    Rainy Day Woman MDP2525's Avatar
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    I should note that he does have recognised anger issues, but he's never really looked into or got any kind of therapy for them. He falls into full on screaming rage fits very quickly, often kicks/hits furniture, and blames me for driving him to that behaviour. His temper is incredibly short and seems to snap most often when people and things in his life are not in his control, or at least that's how I see it. He expects to completely dominate this house. My mother seems fine with that, but my sister and I are not. He focuses on a 'family heirarchy' and how we're at the bottom because we're youngest? Yet my mother puts herself below him. Clashes seem to happen most often when I don't do things the particular way he does them, or I don't agree with the particular principled stance he has on something and... yeah. Oh boy.
    I'm not in your home and don't know everything but this is grounds for worry. I would try to get out as fast as you can. I don't think he is capable of compromise. His behavior (kicking furniture for seemingly small issues) and comments (you provoke his anger) suggest an abusive personality. I would refrain from getting in his face as he has the potential to escalate to violence and from the sound of it, you will be the one left without support from your mother. Bite the bullet and your tongue and save some cash or see if you can move out with a friend.
    ~luck favors the ready~


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  3. #3
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Your mother's partner sounds as if he is very controlling and abusive. I think he expresses it in the way an ISTJ would be expected to act, but I don't think him being ISTJ has much to do with it.

    I am concerned that he lashes out physically. Do you feel as if you're in physical danger from this man? If so, then you really must move out. This isn't to say that verbal abuse isn't just as insidious. Regardless, it would be good for you and your sister to have an escape plan if things escalate. Be overprepared rather than underprepared.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear about your negative experiences with this seemingly faulty ISTJ personality.

    After reading your text, I was thinking this:

    Why is your mother allowing all of this? How could she love this man? He's not your father, so that would suggest there's been a divorce... and that your mother is not too young anymore. The guy sounds like a narcissist. Your mother doesn't seem to want to oppose this man and risk being left alone again at that age, so she's rather just doing what he says. I wonder if your mother is SFJ.

    Also, what I'm thinking about him is that he sees you as the legacy of an another man. ISTJs have a hard time letting go of the past, and they tend to see things through their past. So having to live with children of an another man must provoke his sense of family badly, and he feels the need to prove that he's the head of the family now. What I'm saying is that he feels insecure about his position because of you kids. You are still proof of another man's presence in that house(?) and her life. I know I have hard time accepting that my ex is dating someone else (hard enough to cut all connections to her).

    Oh, and he's unemployed as well... that sure won't make any ISTJs happy at all. So even more reason for him to pursue for his lost/threatened status as the head of a family.

    Do you think any of this might hit the spot? I don't really know any of you, so I might be filling the caps with my own life experiences and traumas. :p

    I hope the situation wouldn't esclate into anything more serious... yelling and physically reacting to anger is not a good sign at all.
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  5. #5
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    I agree with MDP and sciski. Even if he is an SJ of some kind, that's not why he's acting that way. He's got issues to the point that personality type is irrelevant. His frustrations at all the little things - any personality type can do that. I've seen INTPs in a bad mood doing that (i.e. getting mad to the point of yelling at you because of leaving a light on somewhere), and you really couldn't get farther from SJ than INTP. Also, being unemployed probably has a lot to do with his behavior; persistent unemployment can do a lot to a person's self-confidence, and can really hurt them mentally as a result.

    But you asked about ISTJ-INFJ relationships, so I'll tell you how it would look at best:

    A healthy ISTJ, in his situation, would be concerned about you, and would want to be helpful. Like Habba said, the ISTJ probably wouldn't like you living there, but then again, you don't like living there either - so the ISTJ would be understanding of the fact that the living situation was temporary. Also, because of this, the ISTJ would try to help you find housing, employment, whatever - or at least, he would check up on you to make sure that you were doing all that you can to reach your goals. He would absolutely NOT insult you and blame you for small, petty things and treat you like dirt. That would be counterproductive. If he were a good ISTJ, he'd see the problem and try to fix it - whereas what your mother's partner is doing is plainly counterproductive. And when a good ISTJ sees that what he's doing is counterproductive, he changes tactics - which your mother's partner has obviously not done.

    I doubt that my post has been helpful - most of what I said has been said already - but I will say that I'm sorry that he's been treating you so poorly and although I'm not sure how you should respond to him, especially since there might be a possibility of physical violence(? if I read correctly?), I would definitely recommend talking to a psychologist, or any sort of expert on the matter. I'll bet there are a lot of good books about it? But honestly, this is to the point that I'm not qualified to be giving any sort of advice. So I'll shut up now.
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  6. #6
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    By the time I was sixteen years old, I was actually having fantasies about killing my grandfather's wife. I knew that was bad. I knew I needed to get away.

    If someone has abused you so much that you become angry when they speak to you, YOU NEED TO GET AWAY. I'm not sure this is because he's an SJ. It may be because he's an abusive SJ with an anger problem.

    Don't fuck yourself up and allow yourself to get angrier and angrier. I didn't have a choice ...I had to be around this woman from the age of seven or eight on up, and she got hellishly bad by the time I was eleven or so.

    You're twenty. You can leave. I suggest you do so.

  7. #7
    Member Faine's Avatar
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    Thank you for all of your replies.

    Edit: Decided to remove things due to the personal nature of the topic.
    Last edited by Faine; 05-26-2011 at 07:12 PM.
    INFJ 9w1.

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