[ISTJ] Addicted to an ISTJ

[tayto]

Don't do it. It will ruin you. She wont value you for your strengths, you will always fall short of her expectations. It will NOT fulfill you. But you'll go along and do it anyway wont you?

Advice is a givers gift though and I'm sure you wont take mine.

 

[nothing_left]

Actually I dont really get into relationships to get my "strengths valued". Thats already taken care of. I worry more about my own expectations in addition to that - as they are far stricter.

Also your approach to reverse psychology is somewhat hamfisted.

 

[Patches]

The only concern I would have about this - typology aside - is online is is really easy to perceive someone as better than they are. It's kind of hard to get a hold on a person's flaws. You talk about her like she is the embodiment of perfection in your first post. I knew a couple that met IRL and both ended up really disappointed because they had such an idealistic perspective of what the other people was going to be like. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything. I say go for it. Just try to keep your expectations down to earth. Hope it works out.

Don't do it. It will ruin you. She wont value you for your strengths, you will always fall short of her expectations. It will NOT fulfill you. But you'll go along and do it anyway wont you?

Advice is a givers gift though and I'm sure you wont take mine.

Wow. Quite the bloodsucking demons we ISTJ women are.

 

[Thalassa]

well then you all should know that you're wrong.

every single enfp person i have known wishes to remain friends with their exes and would almost never write off a close friend....we're not the door slamming type. if we're close to you...we almost always feel close to you regardless of how many years have passed.

so this attach/detach thing is being misread most likely.

I agree. I'm friends with so many people from high school and other times and places in my life on facebook, a few years ago I talked to my highschool bf on the phone for HOURS and caught up with him, and I actually stayed in touch with my ESFJ ex for a long time and tried to be friends with him for years, and in a weird sort of way even felt RESPONSIBLE for him because he has emotional problems.

No, I don't think ENFPs are door slammers. Even with people I'm not especially close to I can get over being mad and forgive them, unless they just keep violating my values or are just particularly repellent to me.

I do think we can seem to attach quickly since we'll be so enthusiastic about people whom we like, and I can't say I've detached quickly from someone I actually truly cared about...however, we do have a way of moving on with our lives, for the most part, if something begins to seem unhealthy or isn't working anymore.

I actually was very dedicated to trying to make my relationship with my ESFJ ex work, but the issues were insurmountable because he wouldn't stay in therapy. He might perceive me as the person who 'detached' but that's only because he won't take responsibility for doing something about his behavioral problems.

 

[nothing_left]

The only concern I would have about this - typology aside - is online is is really easy to perceive someone as better than they are. It's kind of hard to get a hold on a person's flaws. You talk about her like she is the embodiment of perfection in your first post. I knew a couple that met IRL and both ended up really disappointed because they had such an idealistic perspective of what the other people was going to be like. I'm not trying to discourage you or anything. I say go for it. Just try to keep your expectations down to earth. Hope it works out.



Wow. Quite the bloodsucking demons we ISTJ women are.

Yeah you make an excellent point - and its something I've been concerned with myself. There are flaws to be sure, and I'm pretty sure i've been guilty of "filling in the blanks" from my own mind. I definitely hear what you're saying and I'm trying hard to stay on top of that - but it isnt easy. Anyway this perspective was much needed, and I thank you for it.

 

[nothing_left]

I agree. I'm friends with so many people from high school and other times and places in my life on facebook, a few years ago I talked to my highschool bf on the phone for HOURS and caught up with him, and I actually stayed in touch with my ESFJ ex for a long time and tried to be friends with him for years, and in a weird sort of way even felt RESPONSIBLE for him because he has emotional problems.

No, I don't think ENFPs are door slammers. Even with people I'm not especially close to I can get over being mad and forgive them, unless they just keep violating my values or are just particularly repellent to me.

I do think we can seem to attach quickly since we'll be so enthusiastic about people whom we like, and I can't say I've detached quickly from someone I actually truly cared about...however, we do have a way of moving on with our lives, for the most part, if something begins to seem unhealthy or isn't working anymore.

I actually was very dedicated to trying to make my relationship with my ESFJ ex work, but the issues were insurmountable because he wouldn't stay in therapy. He might perceive me as the person who 'detached' but that's only because he won't take responsibility for doing something about his behavioral problems.

I also think this is quite true. Well, except for with my sister or my family in general - then all bets are off and doors do get slammed; but only for the briefest of moments. New rules apply for family anyway, in my experience.

 

[Thalassa]

I also think this is quite true. Well, except for with my sister or my family in general - then all bets are off and doors do get slammed; but only for the briefest of moments. New rules apply for family anyway, in my experience.

Oh I certainly agree we can get really mad and shut people out briefly, or take our space. But "door slamming" implies a lack of forgiveness over a long period of time. There's a difference between getting temporary space, or becoming upset...and just shutting people out of your life entirely, which is what I think "door slamming" would be in this context.

 

[nothing_left]

Oh I see - in that case yes. The times I've been mad at people for more than one hour I can count on one hand; and those are all cases of unforgivable treason.

 

[Lady_X]

My dad is an ISTJ and my mom is an ENFP. They have a great marriage that has lasted over 50 years. They got over the bumps in the road together and have reaped the benefits of hanging in there through it all. It's really pretty cute how much they still love, care for each other, tease each other, and make each other laugh. In summary ISTJ+ENFP seems to be a great combination. Best of luck to you in your relationship.

^That's awesome. Assuming both people are stable, I don't see how an ISTJ+ENFP pairing can't be awesome and rewarding if, like you said in your parent's case, they're determined and willing to get over the bumps and hang in there.

that is cool..most of you guys have heard that it wasn't so easy for me but even still...i truly do think if both people appreciate what the other brings to the table then the differences could be complimentary.

 

[nothing_left]

Flaws:

Arrogant - Believes to be smarter than most
Snobby - What she likes is matter of factly better because...
A Nightmare in conflicts - Any argument or conflict is brought to the win/lose level where winner takes it all. By having the belief that she is always right; this will never end well.
Whimsical - Yeah you heard me. Any previously stated or held belief can be completely one-eightied and justified without remorse because SHE is the arbiter of trust, justice and fact.
A coward - Scared of emotions, will break down and repeat herself in the face of perceived defeat. Refuses to take own steps to improve the negative mindset.
Spoiled - On male attention and devotion. Love is just a four letter word.


Ok I think thats it - I feel much better!

 

[Habba]

I love ENFPs, but hate how easily they can attach and detach themselves to/from people/places. Makes me feel that they don't really care because they don't commit fully.

You are reading it 100% wrong. Either that or you had a false view of the relationship to begin with/false expectations.

Or maybe you're horribly insecure.

ISJs are insecure by their nature, that's why we try to create this structure of familiarity around us. That's where we thrive. This is why it's difficult for us to understand why would someone like to leave their familiar grounds if it's all nice and stable.

Pretty much every ENFP I know make friends anywhere they go, and people seem to view them favoriably quickly. But that goes to the other way around too, because they have such a nature talent for connecting with new people, they are not bound to the old ones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all thumbs up for ISTJ-ENFP relationships. They are difficult (since they both see everything in a different way, but luckily they seem to share interests and sense of humor), but nothing good ever comes easily. Like they say, no pain, no gain.

 

[nothing_left]

ISJs are insecure by their nature, that's why we try to create this structure of familiarity around us. That's where we thrive. This is why it's difficult for us to understand why would someone like to leave their familiar grounds if it's all nice and stable.

Pretty much every ENFP I know make friends anywhere they go, and people seem to view them favoriably quickly. But that goes to the other way around too, because they have such a nature talent for connecting with new people, they are not bound to the old ones.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all thumbs up for ISTJ-ENFP relationships. They are difficult (since they both see everything in a different way, but luckily they seem to share interests and sense of humor), but nothing good ever comes easily. Like they say, no pain, no gain.

ahhh I see now - thanks for the clarification; makes much more sense now. (almost understandable!)

I personally dont recognize myself in this however - as I've gotten older I dont give away the friend status so easily. Once I do I hang on for dear life - and often feel like I'm the one being passed on.


I thank you for your insight.

 

[SinneDeelie]

I agree. I'm friends with so many people from high school and other times and places in my life on facebook, a few years ago I talked to my highschool bf on the phone for HOURS and caught up with him, and I actually stayed in touch with my ESFJ ex for a long time and tried to be friends with him for years, and in a weird sort of way even felt RESPONSIBLE for him because he has emotional problems.

No, I don't think ENFPs are door slammers. Even with people I'm not especially close to I can get over being mad and forgive them, unless they just keep violating my values or are just particularly repellent to me.

I do think we can seem to attach quickly since we'll be so enthusiastic about people whom we like, and I can't say I've detached quickly from someone I actually truly cared about...however, we do have a way of moving on with our lives, for the most part, if something begins to seem unhealthy or isn't working anymore.

I actually was very dedicated to trying to make my relationship with my ESFJ ex work, but the issues were insurmountable because he wouldn't stay in therapy. He might perceive me as the person who 'detached' but that's only because he won't take responsibility for doing something about his behavioral problems.

Hmm..this is the kind of stuff that kind of puts me off about ENFPs. They are friends with EVERYONE, no matter what it seems like. It makes it really hard to me to determine when they are actually loyal or not. I mean, if you're friends with everyone, then who is actually special?

I'm not trying to bash ENFPs or anything, but I guess I just like really tight knit, lasting bonds and I don't think that happens with everyone.

 

[Thalassa]

Hmm..this is the kind of stuff that kind of puts me off about ENFPs. They are friends with EVERYONE, no matter what it seems like. It makes it really hard to me to determine when they are actually loyal or not. I mean, if you're friends with everyone, then who is actually special?

I'm not trying to bash ENFPs or anything, but I guess I just like really tight knit, lasting bonds and I don't think that happens with everyone.

Let me get this straight...the fact that I can be kind to my high school bf in passing as an acquaintence who once talked to him on the phone a couple of times for a few hours to catch up, and that I was so devoted to my ESFJ ex that I tried to make it work, and even felt emotionally responsible for him, though he is a destructive train wreck of an individual, makes you not trust ENFPs?

Our loyalty and dedication makes you suspect disloyalty?

I'm at a loss. But yeah, no, we don't shut people out hard. That makes you feel secure? Shutting people out hard?

When I'm with someone I want to be with, they are the only person I want to be with. If I like you, you know it, trust me.

 

[Thalassa]

P.S. I don't care if ISxJs trust me.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Hmm..this is the kind of stuff that kind of puts me off about ENFPs. They are friends with EVERYONE, no matter what it seems like. It makes it really hard to me to determine when they are actually loyal or not. I mean, if you're friends with everyone, then who is actually special?

I'm not trying to bash ENFPs or anything, but I guess I just like really tight knit, lasting bonds and I don't think that happens with everyone.

I find that there is a fine line between being friendly and being friends. Most ENFPs I have know have a wide array of what I would classify as aquainttances*, but a much smaller, select group of deep soul friends.

*I can't spell tonight.

 

[tinker683]

P.S. I don't care if ISxJs trust me.

I trust you!!!

But then, I'm not an ISTJ so....I need to GTFO of this thread

 

[SinneDeelie]

Let me get this straight...the fact that I can be kind to my high school bf in passing as an acquaintence who once talked to him on the phone a couple of times for a few hours to catch up, and that I was so devoted to my ESFJ ex that I tried to make it work, and even felt emotionally responsible for him, though he is a destructive train wreck of an individual, makes you not trust ENFPs?

Our loyalty and dedication makes you suspect disloyalty?

I'm at a loss. But yeah, no, we don't shut people out hard. That makes you feel secure? Shutting people out hard?

When I'm with someone I want to be with, they are the only person I want to be with. If I like you, you know it, trust me.

I never said you have to shut out people hard, but for me its confusing when I meet people who seem to be friends with everyone (the ENFPs I've met fall into this category). I don't feel like I could be a good friend to a large quantity of people all at once, so when I meet someone who is friendly with everyone, it makes we wonder where they have to cut corners in the relationships. This leads to wondering where loyalties actually lie. Keep in mind, I'm not an ENFP and maybe ENFPs don't have a problem with juggling that many friends. But thats my ISxJ point of view and it leads to some weariness at least initially.

And btw, I don't care if you don't care if ISxJ's trust you either.

 

[SinneDeelie]

I find that there is a fine line between being friendly and being friends. Most ENFPs I have know have a wide array of what I would classify as aquainttances*, but a much smaller, select group of deep soul friends.

*I can't spell tonight.

Thats a good point. But I feel guilty when I'm friendly to people without thinking that we might actually become friends at some point. I'm not rude to anyone but I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to be friendly, but then not have time/energy to actually be friends. Hopefully that makes some kind of sense. lol.

 

[Anew Leaf]

Thats a good point. But I feel guilty when I'm friendly to people without thinking that we might actually become friends at some point. I'm not rude to anyone but I just don't want to lead anyone on. I don't want to be friendly, but then not have time/energy to actually be friends. Hopefully that makes some kind of sense. lol.

It does as a fellow I.

I have been actively working on expanding my "Friends" network outwards. I used to only have friends and talk to people if I thought it was going to be a worthwhile (ie long) investment. But I have been finding that it's "ok" for me to be a bit of a social butterfly at times.

I still feel guilty on occasion if I REALLY like someone and I want to make them feel special.... I try giving them that quiet little INFP happy to be with them vibe... and then I worry that they will feel unspecial because I was talking to others... and I could go on and on. Now, I am trying the "give everyone slack including me!" approach.