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  1. #1
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    Question My ESFJ is driving me nuts!!

    Im an istp married to an esfj. I read somewhere that this is an ideal coupling (i also read that others are an ideal coupling too). Can you help let me know if you think I`m barking up the wrong tree with her here?

    I wanted a relatinoship. When we're together, either we're always sitting, or driving around, or I get to be with her when she's watching TV, grading, or knitting. I don't do much with her at all, except what I can do by myself without being asked for attention every 15 minutes.

    If I want to go anyplace, she usually finds a reason to cancel, or feels like sleeping instead. If her friends call, she's out the door. Without me. If I do happen to go, it's all nattering about things I'm not part of. What am I, another stuffed animal?

    My role in this marriage seems to be to prop up her mental state, since she's always worrying about failing, and is prone to depressions. She seems to hate intimacy and sex. I love those things. We don't have any activities or interests in common after dating, other than both working at home. It's interminable, I don't think I'm able to support her day and night in every possible situation. How long can this continue?

    She's very generous with me with food, gifts, thoughts, phone calls, which I love. Other than what is heavily weighing on my head, I really love her manner, friendliness, charm, ability to empathize, love, like noone I have ever know or even met.

    Is this an ESFJ thing that is dooming me, or do I need something different? Help!!!

  2. #2
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Welcome to the board We'll steer away from type pairings for now, and just get to a few questions, if you will:

    How long have you two known each other and how long have you been married?
    Has she always been averse to sex/intimacy?
    The depressions - has a doctor diagnosed these?
    How good is the communication between you two?
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
    Neutral Good
    EII-Fi subtype, Ethical/Empath, Delta/Beta
    RLUEI, Choleric/Melancholic
    Inquistive/Limbic
    AIS Holland code
    Researcher: VDI-P
    Dramatic>Sensitive>Serious

  3. #3
    Member Pand0ra's Avatar
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    I don't think these things you are concerned about have much to do with personality type. Communication is key, if you don't have this and are resorting to a forum to sort out the problems in your marriage... well... either just speak to your other half to sort these things out or ride out the rough patch and hope things will improve.

  4. #4
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    I appreciate all your thoughts and fast responses!!
    We communicate very well by anyones' stick.
    She's gone for counselling for depression, and Ive known people with depression before - it might be that im just not used to someone so expressive.
    she says she doesnt like changes - those changes included getting married and moving into the matrimonial home. i am just at the end of my rope unable to know what to say to her next.

    maybe we dont speak the same language anymore, that is what i was asking about on this forum. can that happen with a match like ours?
    I am really affected up to my feelings getting in the way of everything - friend relations, work, sleeping, maybe i need advice how to approach her.

  5. #5
    Member Pand0ra's Avatar
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    Depression can have a huge impact on a relationship. Only time will tell. I suppose judging by your types it would be very difficult, as although opposites attract the difficulties tend to be larger and more challenging. I'm not the best at advising this stuff... but I hope you sort things out. Just keep the communication to the maximum; in my experience that is key. Wish you the best.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    It is possible that she was abused at some time in her life and is having trouble with the greater physical intimacy that marriage brings.

  7. #7
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    It's nothing like that. It looks like this is kind of done after the first couple of responses, thanks for telling me what i kind of needed to hear. I'm not any happier, and no more sure of what the future will be like.

  8. #8
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Do you have kids together?

  9. #9
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    Is there any reason why she hates intimacy and sex? Is this a new development or was she always this way?

  10. #10

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    Maybe some of it is the amount of time together. You both work at home and have recently moved in together by the sounds of it. I don't know how much that helps but that is what came to mind reading through.

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