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  1. #1
    Boldly Gone Malice's Avatar
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    Default The INTP/ESFJ Relationship

    I've seen threads on this topic, both on here and on INTPc, but both were formed more around the INTP prospective with little input from the other side.

    So I'll pose the question to you: ESFJs, would you/have you considered a romantic relationship with an INTP? What do you feel some of the challenges would be, and what would be some of the good points?

    I'm just curious how we see it by comparison.

  2. #2
    As Long As It Takes.... Redbone's Avatar
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    Malice, I can answer a little of this from my ESFJ ex's POV and of course, mine.


    He disliked my independence a great deal. He enjoyed being needed and doing things for me. INTPs don't do well with that at all. They'd rather struggle to do something alone rather than ask for help. He hated that. He was always ready to jump in and would be hurt when I told him I didn't need his help. He never understood how important my independence was to me and took it quite personally. He also couldn't see how his 'help' was something that made him feel good and was not necessarily for me.

    He really hated that when he came to me with an issue, I'd attack it with Ti. I really hated it that when I came to him with an issue, he'd reach out with Fe. Sometimes it would take us hours to plow through a problem or issue because both of us would be desperately trying to reach the other in a way that the other is weakest at. It created a huge amount of misunderstanding.

    He hated that I wasn't cuddly, very feminine, or emotionally demonstrative. I would and could be but not on a level he considered 'normal'. He had a lot of 'oughts' and 'shoulds' and when I didn't fit into these, he passed judgment on me.

    He disliked the fact that social events, crowds, and gatherings caused me a great deal of stress and energy. He read this as, 'not wanting to be with him'. I did go places with him but he was unhappy that I didn't enjoy it like he did, that I wasn't as enthusiastic as he was about it, and that I didn't consider this a great way to spend time.

    He got tired of me pointing out when there was a problem or something wrong. To me, I brought it up because I wanted to solve it. To him, it was a personal attack.

    If you get into a relationship with an INTP, you need to discard this and take them as is. We're straightforward. We don't have hidden agendas or motives. If we like you, we just do and don't see the need to keep telling you this. We feel like our presence in your life speaks for itself. Don't expect an INTP to 'know' what you want. You have to tell them, be direct and brief. When we love someone, we usually want to please them but love gives no one the power of telepathy. My ex never told me what he wanted, he felt like if I loved him, I should just know and that if he had to tell me, it wouldn't be from the heart. That's not so, because if I didn't want to do it at all, I'd never ask, and if told, I'd tell you that I wasn't going to do it. We don't do stuff just to 'please' people--we do it because we really want to.

    The good stuff? Oh, yes. When things are good, they are great! My ex has a terrific sense of humor. We were able to and still can make each other laugh. I loved how he was able to be organized and accomplish tasks. Hell--the man was fun to be with. He loved the fact that he could depend on me--that if he left something in my hands, I would do a good job. He loved my curiosity and how I loved to try new things. He also loved my problem solving ability (well...not all the time).

    Okay...I'm taking too long here. In a nutshell, is it doable? Yes, but both of you are going to struggle to communicate. It's going to be hard as hell, too, make no mistake about it. You both are capable of putting barbs in the other's weak side and it is not pretty. The ESFJ is going to have to accept and deal with the fact that they cannot change the INTP and that this person is a logical, analytic, and cool person. The INTP is going to have to deal with the fact that the ESFJ is a warm, personable, organized, and emotional creature and not belittle or put them down because of that. That's going to be really hard. I mean, reaaaaaallly hard.

    If you do it, good luck. You will need it.
    Likes chubber liked this post

  3. #3
    Boldly Gone Malice's Avatar
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    Thank you Redbone, I found this feedback to be very informative. I really appreciate your reply.

  4. #4
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Yes that was an interesting reply, Redbone. It got me thinking about relationships between Thinkers and Feelers. Your story sounds like a manuscript for that.

  5. #5
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Look at OP's avatar, that is the embodiment of femininity or ESFJ's.

    INTP's and ESFJ's have conflict relations. They don't get a long usually because my strongest point is your unlike function retrospectively, their strongest point is my unlike function. I have poor use of Fe and Si and they use Ne and Ti.

    Ti-Ne-Si-Fe
    Fe-Si-Ni-Ti

    I was able to get along with my ESFJ college professor nevertheless and got her to like me but I already knew the Myers-Brigg before hand and was able to avoid pitfalls.

  6. #6
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Yeah, here's what been bugging me at college. I don't like how ESFJ's shoot down my Ti and Ne when it comes to finding faults in the rules. They listen to ISFP's more than me. All Fi does is talks about how they feel towards the situation and not why the rules are ineffective.

  7. #7
    Member 00c's Avatar
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    ESFJ & INTP are duality, not conflict.
    tumblr
    It's no fun to lose.
    Likes Luke O, The Penguin liked this post

  8. #8
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    INTP here (29) and have been dating an ESFJ (26) for about 6-7 months. I sometimes lean xNTP/xNxP and she sometimes leans ESxJ. I am very happy with our relationship thus far. It takes a lot of courage and humility to date a Myers-Briggs opposite, and the value comes when you are both able to step back and communicate to each other as equals with different skill sets you bring to a relationship.

    Some comments/observations:

    - I never really know what she's thinking, but I always feel like she cares and wants to make me feel comfortable... which on the whole, I find fucking hot. This is because it forces us to connect on the fundamentals of our relationship, which brings out our obvious attraction to each other. Our communication is very strong, and I'm constantly learning from her because we approach everything from different angles.

    - I strongly admire her scheduling habits, traditions, and general approach to life. I realize when I'm with her I can improve the order in my life. When we schedule time together, it's intense, because we both know we're there to connect.

    - We don't get into long philosophical debates about everything. As an INTP, this doesn't bother me. Why? Because even though we think differently, we generally come to the same conclusions. I just look at the intellectual process as a fun ride, she looks at it as an ends to a means. She's knows I'm always down to talk about anything (intellectual or emotional), and she knows I'll enjoy getting to the heart of the issue to give her a fresh perspective. But I don't force it on her. I'm her intellectual rock on her terms she proactively uses, and she loves that I love to help where I can.

    - She doesn't pretend to understand why I find thinking for the sake of thinking fun, but in her eyes, it somehow contributes to the development of a man she's extremely attracted to, and it makes me really happy, and that's all that matters.

    With me, the bottom line here is that... opposites attract. I am a challenge for her Fe, because my Ti doesn't back down. And she respects that and understands it's fucking hot that her Fe influence doesn't always work on me, but I'm still very attracted to her. I feel the same way about my Ti tricks, and it's a challenge for me to see what I'll say and how I'll say things to a person who has such a strong interpersonal radar. The end result is the best of me comes out, and I'm able to express my Fi (which is pretty well developed) in ways to proactively build the relationship. Because I have to be careful, because I know she's smart where I'm stupid. In this way we don't compete directly with each other, but instead compete with ourselves because we bring out sides of each other we didn't know existed.
    Likes Rasofy liked this post

  9. #9
    alchemist Legion's Avatar
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    This is supposedly an ideal pairing due to Fe complementing Ti etc.

    Problems will likely be the typical problems for a relationship. It also may get a bit intense and seem to pull you from your usual way of being, which may be a bit confronting.

  10. #10
    Away with the fairies Southern Kross's Avatar
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    I recently realized a couple who are close family friends are a INTP-ESFJ pairing. They have a wonderful relationship and have been married over 25 years. I was kinda surprised to discover they were opposing types because they don't seem extreme in their differences at all - they come across as more naturally complementary. Although they are about 50 now so they may be a lot more balanced compared with when they first married.
    INFP 4w5 so/sp

    I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas;
    they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.

    - Emily Bronte

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