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  1. #31
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    I'm gonna say this: when I was with my ESFJ ex I increasingly got the feeling he wanted me to be more of an SFP than an NFP. There was something he loved about me, like he would be like "you can be so cool sometimes and you're so sexy" but he wanted a more ...Sensor ...version of me basically. He wanted a freaking SP and it's so obvious in retrospect.

    And also, he would say things to me sometimes, things like asking me if I was going to run away with an INTx friend I have who I talked to on-line (who, btw, I've never had any sort of romantic connection to at all) because, in my ESFJ exes words "He's more the same kind of person that you are." He would also say I had a nerd fetish, and tell me he could never be "that guy."

    I don't know if you have any similar strange moments with your ISTJ, but all of this is soo, soo weird to me...because ESFJ and I were so seemingly passionately, crazy in love ...and I didn't even know much about MBTI at that time...and we were basically observing type differences. It's so odd. It's why I believe in all of this theory, it's like OMG A-HA THATS WHAT IT IS.

  2. #32
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    totally understand needing to live somewhere that provides opportunities. you need to be uplifted and inspired by your environment and feel your life could go in so many different directions. istjs don't really seem to need that. they need opportunities in their chosen field and a steady comfortable life. it is my opinion that they could be content in many more places than most enfps...so...i guess i'm saying you as a couple have to learn to prioritize needs and flex to give the other what means more to them...i think you should move to dallas or austin or something...it's close enough to drive for weekend visits. you can have a bigger city with more opportunities and he's not too far away from home.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #33
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    I am, and you are, since there's no compromise in this situation.

    Did you try to entice him to go visit someplace nearby, for him to get a taste of being away?
    That idea's not half bad. You should give it a try 2XT!
    7w6 so/sx

    " The bird of paradise alights only on the hand that does not grasp." - John Berry

  4. #34
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    I mean, am I being selfish?
    No, didn't sound like it. This is something to be concerned about. If he really cares about you, I don't see how he could avoid the huge question in this whole matter:
    ... what about for me?
    To me, it really all boils down to that. Deciding where to live is a major decision, and if I were planning on staying long-term with someone, I'd of course be interested in her views on it, quite a bit. Perhaps you just haven't made it clear to him how/why this is an important thing for you.

    Having that talk is probably important. If you can't do it in person before his interview, maybe at least on the phone? Better than nothing, right?

    Do what you think is best, but I wish you both happier times.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  5. #35
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    Clearly and concisely identify the benefits to both of you; financially and experience wise of doing so. Remind him that he can always travel back to visit people or they can visit him.

  6. #36

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    He'll never understand you and you will never understand him. Tough I know but that's just the way it is. My advice would be to break it off for a year and go travelling. See the world, meet new people, get a new perspective. See how you both feel when you get back.

  7. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by Marmie Dearest View Post
    I forsee possible resentment on her side, too. Lots and lots of resentment.

    Lots and lots and lots and lots of resentment.

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    But, am I too stuck on what I want too? Aren't we both being too attached to our wants? This is why I can't figure out what to do. I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but I feel like me having to give up what I want is asking more than him giving up his. He will find new friends. We can always come home to visit. IZthe411 are you ISTJ?
    Look at things logically instead of feelings. How easy is it for him to get a job compared to you. If its easier for him then he should focus on helping you live where you can get a job easier. Who is logically giving up more.

  9. #39
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    I like tayto's gap year idea. You can both assess how important the relationship is to each of you vs the lifestyles you want. And getting away gives you a chance to have a breather.

  10. #40
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    We finally had a mini-talk about it. His interview is this Friday...

    I told him all I could, I tried to be as less NF as I possibly could. I more asked him questions to get him to understand that it would be me who suffers more from this than him. He really sees all my points of views as being dreamy/grass is always greener. And I wish he would understand that CHANGE can BRING SOMETHING BETTER. It really can. He just never want to change his little bubble.

    He came to the realization that he has no life goals (at least not career oriented). He admitted this, though I already knew it. He picked his major not because he took interest in it, it was because he didn't hate it. He doesn't really enjoy anything besides hanging out with his family and doing church activities (the church is fine with me, though, I wish he wouldnt get so attached to THAT church, but remember that God can exist in other churches as well...) His goals to be happy in life is to get married, have a family and be involved with his own family.

    My goals is to move to a big city, I want to work in the creative field, making films/marketing/advertising things like that. I need to move for more opportunity. I am career oriented! (I think Im also an ennegram 3...?) Our realization that our goals do not match up make us kind of nervous. at least, that's the feeling I got from him. He will not be happy unless he is in the same town as his parents and his home church. Final. I said that I wouldn't be happy unless I am doing something meaningful with my life career-wise.

    !!!!! I did learn that he has a fear of his parents getting old and no one taking care of them. His brother already moved 9 hours away, so he feels it's his duty to care for them once they get old. He also feels that his mother may out live his father, and he doesnt want her to be lonely. . .
    I understand this.. I do.. but .. this kind of creeps me out. I mean, eugh... I'm 25 years old, I dont want to be thinking about taking care of an old bitter eldery 20 years from now. WTF, really....

    Quote Originally Posted by tayto View Post
    Lots and lots and lots and lots of resentment.
    I mentioned this.. i said I do not want either of us to resent each other.. he just said yeah i understand....

    Quote Originally Posted by _Poki_ View Post
    Look at things logically instead of feelings. How easy is it for him to get a job compared to you. If its easier for him then he should focus on helping you live where you can get a job easier. Who is logically giving up more.
    Agreed. I said this. So many times. He doesn't understand what is it like to have a dream! He just thinks "You can get a job with your degree, it may not be what you want, but it's still a job that will pay the bills." I want to work on films, and it's possible I can do that and travel while still living in our hometown, but I want to escape it. It's a better opportunity to go there than wait for it to come to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    I like tayto's gap year idea. You can both assess how important the relationship is to each of you vs the lifestyles you want. And getting away gives you a chance to have a breather.
    We broke up once before for about a year or two (though the second year, we were basically dating without a title). I dont want to break up with him. I want to marry him, I just don't want to live in our hometown. Dammit!!! I KNOW that if he gets this job, he is proposing ASAP. My ENTJ father keeps telling me to wait it out and not freak out until he gets the job, he tells me not to move back home until we get married/proposed, for me to keep looking for job possibilities in other cities.

    The thing is, my boyfriend doesnt have much work experience. So, according to my ENTJ dad, my boyfriend cant afford to turn down a job, if he is hired and wants to be stationed in our hometown, I shouldnt fuse about it. I just dont think he understands how Si my boyfriend is. Things cannot change.

    I also explained to him about this seasonal depression thing, I HATE winter and the cold, dark days. I want to move somewhere warmer! This is what he says, This is ridiculous.. he says, "but, if we move away to somewhere warmer..where will we vacation to?" Then he goes on to say that if we moved somewhere warm, then we will get spoiled by the warm weather and when it reaches 40 or 50 degrees, we will complain because it take it for granted. He thinks we'll turn into one of those kind of people. i mean WHAT THE HELL!? WHO THINKS LIKE THIS? HOW COULD THIS THOUGHT HOLD YOU BACK FROM WANTING TO MOVE TO THE BEACH?!


    Anyways
    What do you guys think? Continue this idea of "we'll cross the bridge when we get there" thing?

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