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  1. #21
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    What worries me is the thought you mentioned about dating others. That was pretty WTF to me. Whenever I think things like that, the relationship is already dead. Not even dying.. dead. So..
    Well, we've been dating for over 6 years and have broken up perhaps twice, which didn't last long because we didnt want to date anyone else. We thought maybe we should try but never really did... well, I did a little bit, but him not so much. We really just can't stay away from each other...

  2. #22
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    Oooh...me and my ESFJ ex were like that for a long time, couldn't stay away from each other, very powerful stuff, real love. But there was such a dysfunctional element to his approach to relationships (with all people, not just me) and he wouldn't seek counseling. I'm talking about a pretty serious issue. If you and your ISTJ don't have any SERIOUS dysfunction like my ESFJ ex and I did, and you feel that strongly about one another, perhaps you should try to make it work.

    Especially since you share a common background and the same religious faith, that does count for something - at least for some people it does - the only thing is, I dunno, could you get a job where you travel? That way he could feel safe and secure, but you could see the world and get the change you crave?

  3. #23
    pathwise dependent FDG's Avatar
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    Did you ever try listing options you'd like and make him pick one he might like too, and which might have a connection with your hometown (example: cheap frequent flights, if he wants to visit)? Basically, did you ever try to bring this discussion to its practical and realistic end? Or did you just say "I WISH TO SEE THE WORLD, I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MANY CITIES!" and discussed the issue in a way which might have made him think that you would want to relocate on a yearly basis?
    ENTj 7-3-8 sx/sp

  4. #24
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    My boyfriend got a second interview for a job where he could pick any city in the state to live in. He says he is going to pick our hometown if he is hired. He isn't even considering my feelings at all. We never had the 'talk'. He says next time he sees me in person we could talk about it, but since I am living 2 hours away from him I am worried he's going to go to the interview before we can talk about it. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't find a job in our home city, but he doesn't care. I can't wait tables for the rest of my life. I feel the weight on me now. I mean, am I being selfish? is he being selfish? He says there's no reason for him to pick any other city, i said... what about for me? ... and he didnt really say anything memorable... ........

  5. #25
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    My boyfriend got a second interview for a job where he could pick any city in the state to live in. He says he is going to pick our hometown if he is hired. He isn't even considering my feelings at all. We never had the 'talk'. He says next time he sees me in person we could talk about it, but since I am living 2 hours away from him I am worried he's going to go to the interview before we can talk about it. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't find a job in our home city, but he doesn't care. I can't wait tables for the rest of my life. I feel the weight on me now. I mean, am I being selfish? is he being selfish? He says there's no reason for him to pick any other city, i said... what about for me? ... and he didnt really say anything memorable... ........

    "What about me?" is the important theme here. I'm gonna be honest ( as one who has also had ISTJ relationships before): you can't make them bend, not without them resenting you for it. And your craving for change, for things to evolve and be in flux, isn't going to go away. It's part of our personalities to see how wide the horizon is. I understand his need for roots, and staying near family, but that's clearly not the way you feel, and you can't drown in mediocrity ( because you will drown in it ) just because he doesn't want to leave. Wings are for flying, not for sitting in a cage and looking pretty.
    7w6 so/sx

    " The bird of paradise alights only on the hand that does not grasp." - John Berry

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by LadyJaye View Post
    "What about me?" is the important theme here. I'm gonna be honest ( as one who has also had ISTJ relationships before): you can't make them bend, not without them resenting you for it. And your craving for change, for things to evolve and be in flux, isn't going to go away. It's part of our personalities to see how wide the horizon is. I understand his need for roots, and staying near family, but that's clearly not the way you feel, and you can't drown in mediocrity ( because you will drown in it ) just because he doesn't want to leave. Wings are for flying, not for sitting in a cage and looking pretty.
    Agree wholeheartedly. I would add that "being selfish" is looked down upon because of the perception of not caring for anyone else. Caring for others is a good thing. Doing so at the expense of yourself is not a good thing.
    ...doesn't work or play well with others...

  7. #27
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    My boyfriend got a second interview for a job where he could pick any city in the state to live in. He says he is going to pick our hometown if he is hired. He isn't even considering my feelings at all. We never had the 'talk'. He says next time he sees me in person we could talk about it, but since I am living 2 hours away from him I am worried he's going to go to the interview before we can talk about it. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't find a job in our home city, but he doesn't care. I can't wait tables for the rest of my life. I feel the weight on me now. I mean, am I being selfish? is he being selfish? He says there's no reason for him to pick any other city, i said... what about for me? ... and he didnt really say anything memorable... ........
    I can't say that I have ever been so attached to something like this guy....I mean I can be stuck on something but this one is a problem. You might have to show him how serious you are.
    'Love me, or leave me alone'

  8. #28
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    I can't say that I have ever been so attached to something like this guy....I mean I can be stuck on something but this one is a problem. You might have to show him how serious you are.
    'Love me, or leave me alone'
    But, am I too stuck on what I want too? Aren't we both being too attached to our wants? This is why I can't figure out what to do. I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but I feel like me having to give up what I want is asking more than him giving up his. He will find new friends. We can always come home to visit. IZthe411 are you ISTJ?

  9. #29
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    I think your ISTJ expects you to straighten up and act right and be an ESFJ.

    Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life? If so, that's cool, but if you want things and will never be able to have them (as opposed to him, who could always just go home) you might get very extremely resentful.

  10. #30
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    But, am I too stuck on what I want too? Aren't we both being too attached to our wants? This is why I can't figure out what to do. I don't mean to sound like a know it all, but I feel like me having to give up what I want is asking more than him giving up his. He will find new friends. We can always come home to visit. IZthe411 are you ISTJ?
    I am, and you are, since there's no compromise in this situation.

    Did you try to entice him to go visit someplace nearby, for him to get a taste of being away?

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