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  1. #1
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Default ISFJ friend being stalked, advice?

    Copied from my blog entry. I think I should ask help for this thing.

    Update: edited for general audience.
    --

    Eh, some (male) neighbor is harassing and stalking my ISFJ female friend..

    No, seriously, she got an annoying problem. The man follows her to her house, he forcibly entered one time, he distracts her life in several ways.. the man imagines they are having an affair, and accuses her of infidelity. He follows and keeps track on her life patterns, visitors and relationships. He's threatened to make her male guests leave, so that he could have her for himself. Clearly a completely sick mind.

    She's a nice person, having hard time to exert enough rudeness to drive him away. I had some friends invited to a dinner at my place, her included, and I listened to her complaints about his behavior. The man insists they are having an affair (a secret one, he says!), although she just actively avoids the man.

    I was surprised when she brought this up on a dinner with two friends of mine. So I just gave a short speech along the lines of "straighten up woman, have some self respect and stop that stalker right now!" Ok, she told what she's been trying to do.. and she was left to wonder why such things often happen to her. She's a loser magnet. She's incapable of communicating her disinterest in a strong enough manner. She tries.. she even uses direct and strong words, but she fails. Over and over again. With different losers, stalkers and other nutjobs. I'm just wondering how someone may feel so much empathy toward their antagonists that they don't dare to win them. Then again, her vivid explanations of the events make it seem like she's having a hard time with no reasons at all.

    Of course, that's partly true. She doesn't deserve to be stalked.

    Then again, people usually develop skills to handle all kinds of different problem behavior they don't deserve. For people usually, that's just a starting point. For her, it's the end. She's noticing someone to stalk her, and she expects the problem to go away when she acknowledges it.

    I'm feeling empathy for her.. she's and old friend, a dear friend of mine.

    When she had returned home after our visit, she told me to have cried when she got home. Well, ok.. I understand I was matter-of-fact, and I was offering advice. She needs the advice, too. She could spare to survive living in that neighborhood with less drama and invasion of privacy bordering on the illegal. But.. it was just too hard on her to realize her weakness and incapability on this issue. I should have realized.. I've also felt helpless on some serious issues some times.

    It's just that.. I wouldn't have believed her to be helpless, see.. I was there to advice her! I thought that the stalker would be quickly gotten rid of with my helpful advice

    Must be hard for her.
    --

    So, she's a very nice person, smiles a lot, she's sweet.. I've got the idea that people often mistake her for being interested of them, when she's just being herself.

    I wouldn't stop being nice just to drive unwanted people away. But.. this kind of thing continues for her over and over again. This was the thing with her last boyfriend.

    Hm, I have one answer. She hasn't learned a proper idea of independence until recently. She's somewhat emotionally dependent on people she cares about. We're friends because I don't abuse that, instead I assure her that I care about her, and she should be more certain of herself, because she deserves it. She's said I've been the first decent man she's known in her life. I practically carried her on my shoulders emotionally when she had more difficult time. Now, I've taught her some independence, and she's liking it.. She's more emotionally secure now.

    She has also taught me to accept and resolve my feelings after my major burnout and resulting depression, and I'm in enormous gratitude towards her for being with me in the difficult time.

    I have an idea. What if she emotionally attaches to abusing people? This is what happened in her childhood home.

    Any advice?
    Last edited by UnitOfPopulation; 02-11-2008 at 08:53 PM.

  2. #2
    Member Rhadamanthus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    Any advice?
    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    The man follows her to her house, he forcibly entered one time
    ...Did she call the police? If he's stalking her, and he's forcibly entered her house, then she should call the police and file a restraining order against him or something if it continues. If she won't contact the police about it, then you should.

    I don't have any advice for preventing stalkers, though.
    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade View Post
    Are you trying to sound like Yoda?

    What exactly are you asking(in normal English)?
    Quote Originally Posted by DeliriousDisposition View Post
    *scattering done beforehand not to waste space* "If the Scat Man can do it, brotha, so can you!" BABABADABO Skeebibididiyodadadum ZizSazouiiscatbobliboobizizizScoobydoobyscoobydoom elody! I'm the Scat Man...." *sccccattttttt*

  3. #3
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Well, did you ask why she's not discussing this with the police?

    Also, what kind of things has she said to him? Anything along the lines of "I don't like you, and I'd appreciate it if you'd stay away from me?" Or can she not do that?

  4. #4
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    She got a response from the police, that it's hard to accumulate enough evidence to warrant a restraining order in these kinds of cases. Still, some kind of evidence would be needed.

    I also think she accepted it as a matter-of-fact situation.. it is indeed hard to get the evidence, and she's considering moving away now. Not seriously tho, I know.

  5. #5
    Protocol Droid Athenian200's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    I also think she accepted it as a matter-of-fact situation.. it is indeed hard to get the evidence, and she's considering moving away now. Not seriously tho, I know.
    I'd probably move away in that case myself. If the police won't do anything, then my only options are really to take it and risk something happening, or leave. I'd influence her to move away, and to do it as sneakily as possible so he can't trace where she goes. Possibly even change her name.

  6. #6
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    I also think the kinds of things she's said to him show pretty good determination sometimes. So it's not just that she lacks the drive and the ability to express herself. She has the words okay, but there's something revealing about her psychological strength which invites stalkers. I think it would be best to offer some point of advice in this respect.

    Or then, maybe it's not her, perhaps it's just some coincidental factors accumulating and making her susceptible to this. I'm not sure.

  7. #7
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by athenian200 View Post
    I'd probably move away in that case myself. If the police won't do anything, then my only options are really to take it and risk something happening, or leave. I'd influence her to move away, and to do it as sneakily as possible so he can't trace where she goes. Possibly even change her name.
    Hm, that isn't too extreme, so it's possible. You are right. Her father badly disrupted her life in her previous apartment, and she arranged for her phone number and address to be kept secret. The secret leaked out somehow, but she was harassed less in the new apartment.

    So there's the factor that she might not be able to keep her new address secret either. It's not about her abilities to do it, but it's about the many ways in how you can get information you're not entitled to. Some stalkers just find their way. They just ask someone who knows. If they don't find such person immediately, they search. I guess the official registers leak information, too.

  8. #8
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Santtu View Post
    I was tired of her bitching about the problems when I was trying to enjoy our evening. So I just gave a short speech along the lines of "straighten up woman, have some self respect and stop that stalker right now!" Ok, she told what she's been trying to do.. and she was left to wonder why such things often happen to her. She's a loser magnet. She's incapable of communicating her disinterest in a strong enough manner. She tries.. she even uses direct and strong words, but she fails. Over and over again. With different losers, stalkers and other nutjobs. I'm just wondering how someone may be so spineless. Then again, her vivid explanations of the events make it seem like she's having a hard time with no reasons at all.

    Of course, that's partly true. She doesn't deserve to be stalked.
    Few things caught my eye in your writing and made me a bit annoyed (bolded). You really cannot blame somebody for being sweet and it's certainly not fair to say she is spineless! ISFJ's are usually sweet and nice persons and it's really hard for them to be blunt with people. It's like acting against their own nature. You can figure out something that is extremely difficult for you and try to do it. It's not easy.

    You just giving her a speech don’t really help things. I think she needs more concrete help. Go with her to police station; figure out with her how to get evidence against the stalker. Take some of your friends with you and go to talk to the stalker on behalf of her. Do something, don't just nag at her! Friends should be there to help each other.

    Nobody deserves to be stalked! One friend of mine is ESFP and she was stalked too. And she told the stalker several times very forcefully that she did not want anything to do with him. And he didn't listen. So, you really cannot blame somebody’s personality type for the fact that they are stalked. It's like blaming the rape victim of being guilty of the rape. Anybody can be stalked and the stalkers are not people who act normally so they probably will not listen to anything no matter how it is said, ISFJ or not ISFJ.

  9. #9
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Yeah, I know I just rushed to move the discussion to some other topics and I'm not proud, it was just my first reaction to problems I'd be ashamed to have. I was ashamed of me when I couldn't get rid of a female stalker myself at one time.

    But.. I'm conflicted. She's got such a friendly, happy and active approach to life.. .. I wouldn't want her to stop all that just to turn stalkers away. I'm not really fully appreciating her if I criticize her for what's a natural outcome of her personality, even tho it's something that could be objectively criticized. She's not someone who accepts hard objective criticism without tears.. something that I work around almost always and try to make my message easier on her.

    Well I'm glad I didn't say half the things I thought, just told her to deal with it.

    Advice of gathering the evidence with her is good! Only practical way I know would be to carry a recorder (and keep it on) all time when going home and coming out. I'll have to ask if it's legal to record their conversations and if it's ok to use the recordings as evidence. Here are some laws that restrict people to make recordings of discussions without prior consent from everyone involved, but it only applies to some situations. I should find out which situations it applies in.

  10. #10
    filling some space UnitOfPopulation's Avatar
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    Default Correction

    I'm seeing that the term "forcible entry" refers to breaking the door

    This didn't happen. The man used force to move my friend away from the door and to enter her apartment, but it didn't leave any marks on the door as nothing was broken. Hope this clears up why I said there's no evidence. Moreover, the local police department tells that the situation isn't probably "serious".

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