My INFP husband and I have been married 4 1/2 years. His dad is ESTJ and his mom is ISFJ. His mother is generally very sweet, non-confrontational, and easy to get along with. His dad, not so much. :steam: His dad was a military fighter pilot, later a commercial airline pilot, and is now retired.
The parents spend about 2 or 3 nights a month as guests in our home, and we have gone on vacation together more than once. Family is very important to my husband so my getting along with his parents is quite important to him. The problem is, his father makes regular rude remarks and this is really starting to get to me. My usual outward reaction is to remain quiet, back down, make nice, etc. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. I have a mental basket of every rude remark he has ever made and the basket is getting pretty full. Yes, I'll admit that as an INFJ I am the type "most likely to be genuinely outraged over the most trivial things" so I'll give a couple examples.
Yesterday, I got home from work just after 8 pm. The parents were here. My husband politely asked me what my schedule was for August. I said, "I'm not sure. Why do you ask?" My father-in-law butted in with "You don't need to know everything." I tried to laugh it off, thinking maybe he was kidding (yeah, right), and said "Yes, I do." He replied, "No you don't, really." My husband and his mother were quiet. I then said, "Well if you want to know my schedule I guess you can look at my calendar then." After thinking about it overnight, I wish I had said "Well you can count me out of whatever it is that you're planning." Problem is I never think of those snappy comebacks in time. And truthfully, my desire to make nice would probably not let me say such a thing.
Another example, and this one really burns me up. We were on vacation in Costa Rica with mom and dad. We were taking turns each day with paying for food. BTW, mom and dad are very well off financially. It was their day to pay, and we were having dinner at a very nice restaurant. I ordered the special, which was described as "crawfish." When it came it was more like 6 small lobsters. I had not asked how much it would be but it never occurred to me that crawfish would be a super pricy item. When I saw what they were bringing I was quite shocked, saying, "Uh oh, I'll bet this is going to be expensive, yikes!" As usual, I ate about half my meal and my husband and his father ate the rest of it. After dinner his mother and I were engaging in some pleasant, light conversation when his father said, "You know, if you want to run with the big dogs, get your check book out." This out of nowhere. And while they order alcohol with every meal (my husband and I don't.) I had no response to this at the time but it grated on me for the rest of the night.
What's weird to me is that my husband always lets stuff like this slide. He does not talk to people like that. He is a nice guy almost to a fault, something I have told him many times. Yet when his father makes these kind of rude remarks, he just ignores it or goes along with it. When I told him the day after his father made the "get your check book out" remark that I thought it was very rude, he said "Oh honey, he was just kidding." Uh no, I don't think so. The man teases people he likes, and he has never teased me about anything.
I get the feeling that dad doesn't think women should have any opinions or input into anything important. He bullies his wife, IMO. And he seems to get angry when I speak up about anything. This is why I married my husband instead of someone like his dad. We have an equal partnership that works well for both of us.
I know there is an awful lot of collective wisdom out there. Any help would be appreciated.