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  1. #11
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Griffi97 View Post
    Big sigh.... Thank you Economica, for your sensible and sound advice.

    You are right; my husband does not know how to stand up to his father.
    There have been times when my husband was afraid to offer proper veterinary medical advice (my husband is a vet too) to his father because "My dad doesn't want to do that." My husband wouldn't be afraid to give medical advice to any other client but magically, when it's his father, the ability to give objective advice seems to fly out the window. This has frustrated and confused me in the past. Thanks for helping me put this together with the other, more personal stuff that's been happening.

    You've given me something to think about.
    Since hubby is an INFP, I suspect this is a lifelong habit that he will have to learn to change. SO DIFFICULT. Be patient with your husband. The INFP desire to please can be quite a difficulty in this situation.
    I wish you both good success.

  2. #12
    heart on fire
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    Since hubby is an INFP, I suspect this is a lifelong habit that he will have to learn to change. SO DIFFICULT. Be patient with your husband. The INFP desire to please can be quite a difficulty in this situation.
    I wish you both good success.
    My INFJ husband rarely stands up to his family either. He would rather put a rosy glow on the the things they do and deny that they hurt him. I got fed up and I have no problem telling them when they've stepped over the line and when to shut up now. The problem is it rarely fazes them, they just plow ahead with their agenda. Avoidance seems to be the best fix in my situation.

  3. #13
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by heart View Post
    My INFJ husband rarely stands up to his family either. He would rather put a rosy glow on the the things they do and deny that they hurt him. I got fed up and I have no problem telling them when they've stepped over the line and when to shut up now. The problem is it rarely fazes them, they just plow ahead with their agenda. Avoidance seems to be the best fix in my situation.
    It has been a long, hard road for me, and I'm not even an F!
    My family is very demanding, was quite dysfunctional when I was a child, and they still think they can control me!
    I lived 500 miles away for 20 years, and that gave me the space I needed to develop my own identity apart from them.
    I don't just bow to their every whim any more like my INFP sister does.

    Thankfully, my ISTP husband never had a problem disagreeing with my parents or standing up to them (one reason I wanted to marry him!) and I get his cooperation when I don't want to bend over backwards for my family.

    Showing a united front is KEY.

  4. #14
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Oh god, I do understand you. I have similar problems with ESTJ who comes and visits us monthly. The only thing that works for me is to say it out loud when the ESTJ does soemthing I don't like.

    Quote Originally Posted by INTJMom View Post
    Showing a united front is KEY.
    Extremely good point by INTJMom!

  5. #15
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    I have an ESTJ father and an INTP mother.

    Naturally, the path to success almost my whole life was to run the problem past my mom, and she would take care of it for me, but she has given me more than enough advice that I have used on my own throughout my lifetime.


    What I have seen that works the best for me is to beat him in a game of his own logic... when he brings it up. This tends to work really well, but I have to be able to read situations to be able to creatively link his assumptions to the thought that he has brought to the surface. It wouldn't always be a confrontational statement, but just something that unleashes an assumption in a way where he's fishing for a response.

    NOTE: If he's having fun and decides to 'play along' with your logic game (be it you do it in joke or non-serious format), he won't realize what you're doing until you have already succeeded...

    ESTJ's are very predictable when it comes to how they reach their conclusions, so use this as your source of figuring out how to fire him zingers in the moment. Play out his logical track in your mind before he says it, and start coming up with ways to link the logic that he already understands to be true in a way that reveals his assumption. Make sure the logic you're pulling to link together is ALREADY LOGIC HE KNOWS AND DEPENDS ON... so you don't have to explain your assumptions on something he hasn't realized yet. If this happens, back away gracefully or prepare to get serious. Pretty soon he'll be backed in a corner where his assumptions are failing him, and thats when he starts to realize. If it's coming off as a game to him, he will most likely laugh it off as nothing. If it got serious, it will probably provoke a negative response. Either way, you won't see the behavior happen much more in the future. Or, it becomes blatantly obvious that his assumptions are faulty by his answering questions illogically... realizing this one way or another.


    I understand that both me and my mom are INTP's, and this comes somewhat naturally to us. I wouldn't know how you could adopt this strategy, but it would be worth it. Let me assure you his views are much much more open minded than the typical ESTJ, in the ways that restrict or annoy us in one way or another. I come to you with a solution that works, and IT WORKS VERY WELL. Just imagine a family of observers, with nothing to observe except for this behavior. He has quite literally taken the stance towards my brother and I that we can do whatever we want without criticism/rules... as long as we can logically explain it and not consciously mess it up. Being it that my brother (the only other person in my family of 4 growing up) is an ISTP, I almost feel bad for my dad... if it wasn't reality that he is 'the one in power'. 3 Ti's plotting how to utilize and mold the influence of the dominant TeSi leading the pack. He never had a chance from the start.

  6. #16
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    Honestly, I warn girls about my mother and to not take her BS; hurts doing it but I've lived the alternative...
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  7. #17
    Senior Member Griffi97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cdal233 View Post
    I come to you with a solution that works, and IT WORKS VERY WELL.
    This sounds great, but I don't think I have the ability to pull it off. My problem is that my emotional response so completely overwhelms me that my ability to use logic goes right out the window. I wish I had an INTP ally to show me how it's done. I will work on trying to keep my emotional response in check.

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