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  1. #1
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Default ISFJs and being taken for granted

    I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?

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    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?
    This is a very good question and I'll start out by saying I'm not entirely sure. Some possible thoughts:

    - Don't take so much on as your responsibility
    - Let people take care of themselves more
    - Learn to delegate
    - Draw more solid lines of what kind of behavior you're going to accept from others and what you won't; stick to them

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    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    This is a very good question and I'll start out by saying I'm not entirely sure. Some possible thoughts:

    - Don't take so much on as your responsibility
    - Let people take care of themselves more
    - Learn to delegate
    - Draw more solid lines of what kind of behavior you're going to accept from others and what you won't; stick to them
    When I think of 2 ISFJs that I know well- these things immediately come to mind.

    My one boy wants to be the 'hero' all the time. He has to learn to say 'no' and be okay with it. And understand that people would rather hear No than hear a Yes and you fail to deliver or underdeliver.

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    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    There was also one of those Fe threads that was floating around that shows this is largely an IxFJ things moreso than ISFJ.

  5. #5
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Might be any number of issues.

    It might possibly be a difference in language of love. If you give a certain way and they return in another form, does the other form make you feel validated in your efforts? Do you understand their language of love?
    It might possibly be giving with the expectation of equal return without explaining this to the interacting person.
    It might possibly be giving too much with no boundaries so there's nothing left for yourself. If so, why do you give to people who don't appreciate it? Pull back.
    It might possibly be a combination of some of the above.

    Anyways, all of this is within your control to change.

  6. #6
    Once Was Synarch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    I have this problem and I imagine other ISFJs have it too. How might ISFJs change the pattern of being taken for granted by their friends and family?
    I've been working through some stuff and reading about codependency. One thing that really helped me was realizing how important it is to respect boundaries. Both for yourself and others. Respecting your own right to have boundaries and the boundaries of others. Caring for your side of the street and LETTING others care for their side of the street. Also, the idea of starting with yourself as the focus of the problem solving. Too often it is easy to see the other people as the problem, but if you handle your side of the equation the other side will resolve itself.
    "Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave."

  7. #7
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    A lot of food for thought.

  8. #8
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    Hey!

    I ventured over here because I think my mom is an ISFJ.

    We have gotten along for the most part. We both hate conflict and tend to just forgive and forget, so on that scale we've been good.

    But I find that my dad and my siblings at times take advantage of my poor mom. Part of me is sympathetic and very in tune with that, and part of me wants to shake her and say "Stand up for yourself! do what you want to do. Live for yourself. Stop worrying about everyone else" but that is just in her nature.

    I am new to typology so I am just going off what I feel is her type but here is what I would say:

    -Don't be afraid to say what you want. It's ok to make a decision that might not make everyone else happy. That scares me too, actually.
    -Don't automatically assume people are depending on you...my mom does this. And we definitely do depend on her and expect things of her, but I think it is because she lets us. Take care of yourself, and put yourself first
    -Don't feel guilty for not fulfilling others' needs
    -Accept it when people want to do something for you

    Hm, that is all. Again this is what I would say to my mom. I love her to death, but also would love to see her happy making herself happy.


  9. #9
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    ^ Thank you.

  10. #10
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    i highly suspect my grandma is an ISFJ, and for her, i think this one:

    - Let people take care of themselves more
    the SFJs i know seem to worry what will happen if they are not there. on one hand, they keep our family, social groups, work relationships together, they form the "glue" between everyone and help things flow so smoothly.

    on the other - if they are not there, then people will have to learn what it is like without them. i came to appreciate my ESFJ mom about 1000 times more when i was in college learning how to do everything on my own for the first time. i missed her, but i was also able to see what i was missing - i didn't realize it before because she had just always been there. it's sometimes hard to realize how much SFJs do for you when it harmonizes into life so well.

    so, yeah. i think that if you're feeling used, you could try letting others just "be" on their own for a little bit. it might seem a little cruel, but every individual is really quite equipped to handle life by themselves. and once they experience that, they can voluntarily come back to you with new appreciation.

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