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[ISFJ] ISFJs and dating

bellaangel924

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Hi. I'm a newbie here, so I apologize if this has already been posted somewhere else.

So I am starting to date again and I was wondering if any of my dating quirks were common to ISFJs.

For example, I HATE it when a guy says he will call, but then he doesn't. To me it is worse than outright rejection, because at least you know he isn't interested. I guess its an uncertainty thing.

Another example is getting crushes/liking a person really fast, but then when discovering that it won't work and that almost immediately quelches the crush.

So I guess my question is what are the common issues ISFJs encounter when dating.
 

d@v3

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Interesting.... The things you mentioned are familiar to me, and I'm an ISTJ maybe they are ISxJ things? :tongue: Anyhow, I too am interested in learning about how ISFJ's go about dating- specifically the females. For example, do you ever get excited? Are you easy to please? Things like that... :)
 

Nijntje

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For example, I HATE it when a guy says he will call, but then he doesn't. To me it is worse than outright rejection, because at least you know he isn't interested. I guess its an uncertainty thing.

Heh. This isn't restricted to ISFJ's alone. I also hate it when someone says they'll call and they don't, i'd rather you just not take my number in the first place. I have no issue with that.
 

tinker683

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ISFJ guy here, had some thoughts

For example, I HATE it when a guy says he will call, but then he doesn't. To me it is worse than outright rejection, because at least you know he isn't interested. I guess its an uncertainty thing.

I haven't really dated much but when I do I usually call the very next day as my understanding is that's the appropriate time to call. If it were up to me I'd call her that evening just because I'd want to talk to her again but many women I've heard consider this smothering so I don't do that.

Another example is getting crushes/liking a person really fast, but then when discovering that it won't work and that almost immediately quelches the crush.

I do this sometimes. Sometimes I can let go of a person or a situation very very quickly. Other times, feelings of admiration and/or respect will linger for...well, almost ever. I still know women from elementary school that I've run into in my adult life and I still feel that twing of infatuation when I still see them and/or talk to them.

I've always thought that if it were up to me, I would have married my 5th grade crush as she's a doctor now :cheese: (Incidentally she's married to a guy I used to work with. Really good guy, I'm sincerely happy for the both of them.)

So I guess my question is what are the common issues ISFJs encounter when dating.

Some issues I run into while dating

1) When it's appropriate to make the attempt for the first kiss
2) What places to take her too when she's been very mum about her interests and/or favorite foods
3) At what point on which date that I'm allowed to start to be physically affectionate (holding hands, holding her, etc..)
4) If I try to set a day and time for out next date and she keeps changing it/and or canceling it. I start to worry that I'm getting blown off very quickly, even though this isn't always the case


I'm sure there are more but that's all I've got thus far. I've found that being around aggressive, extrovert women tends to resolve most of the above issues which is why I like them so much :D
 

Totenkindly

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Hi. I'm a newbie here, so I apologize if this has already been posted somewhere else.
So I am starting to date again and I was wondering if any of my dating quirks were common to ISFJs.

For example, I HATE it when a guy says he will call, but then he doesn't. To me it is worse than outright rejection, because at least you know he isn't interested. I guess its an uncertainty thing.

Another example is getting crushes/liking a person really fast, but then when discovering that it won't work and that almost immediately quelches the crush.

With my experience with ISFJs, the things you describe seem pretty par for the course.

ISFJs seem pretty practical (so once you realize things are unrealistic, you'll dump them even if you are disappointed).

And with the "not calling" thing -- it's probably the seeming rejection + the lack of following protocol thing. Protocol exists so you can avoid the ambiguity; as you say, it would be less crushing if he was just to the point and direct, because at least you'd know, and you could close off that chapter and then move on. Now you have no idea whether he's ended thing, or whether he's just insensitive/lazy in getting back to you, or whether he's just stringing you along and might pop in later; and meanwhile it's hard to turn off the emotions if something is still potentially ongoing, it's like an open wound.


So I guess my question is what are the common issues ISFJs encounter when dating.

I would think the ambiguity thing is a big part, most likely. Ne is your least developed function (in typical MBTI thinking), so ISFJs typically want to have things scheduled out and set and planned. Coupled with Fe protocol, doing things at the last minute (while maybe endearing at first) can not only be unsettling but seem a bit rude/insensitive. The relationship usually needs to be defined in some way as well.
 

highlander

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For example, I HATE it when a guy says he will call, but then he doesn't. To me it is worse than outright rejection, because at least you know he isn't interested. I guess its an uncertainty thing.

So then the PUA would call but not right away to keep you off balance then.
 

Giggly

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I don't like uncertainty either. I can hold a crush for quite a while though, even though I know it's not right. My heart usually always wins over my head but I want to learn to balance that.
 

Warm

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ISFJ guy here, had some thoughts



I haven't really dated much but when I do I usually call the very next day as my understanding is that's the appropriate time to call. If it were up to me I'd call her that evening just because I'd want to talk to her again but many women I've heard consider this smothering so I don't do that.

I just had to jump in on this one. Why can't people just call when they want? What is this "appropriate time to call" thing? I love to have a phonecall the evening of instead of the next day because it tells me that the guy is interested. Of course, if I DON'T like the guy, it could be annoying. Why can't people just communicate their feelings? If one feels smothered by what someone else has done, he/she should tell that person in hopes that it will not happen again. Okay, okay, I'll confess. This struck a chord with me because someone told me he felt smothered. Well, I took it in stride and backed off but I wished that I had been told earlier because the situation wasn't what he thought. Ugh!
 

Giggly

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Giggly

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I think we ISFJs are the smothering type. :(

We have to work on that.
 

FDG

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I like smothering.


Except when my girlfriend tells me I can't do mountain climbing because I will get killed.
 

tinker683

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I just had to jump in on this one. Why can't people just call when they want? What is this "appropriate time to call" thing?

WARMY-CHAN!!! So good to see you again :D

To answer your question: After talking with a lot of different women, listening and watching couples, and reading about common dating practices I've come to the conclusion that people have different boundaries and comfort levels for expressing and receiving affection.

As such, I've found that it's best to err on the side of caution. I've known far too many women who have told me that for a guy to call them shortly later that night after the date is "clingy" or "creepy" or "smothering" or "coming on too strong".

So I don't, unless she asks me too.


I love to have a phonecall the evening of instead of the next day because it tells me that the guy is interested. Of course, if I DON'T like the guy, it could be annoying. Why can't people just communicate their feelings? If one feels smothered by what someone else has done, he/she should tell that person in hopes that it will not happen again.

If you would have told a guy like me that, then we would have definitely called. I'd imagine the rest of your applies to my desire not to unnecessarily ruffle feathers, at least not this early in the relationship. Once I learn your comfort levels and where the boundaries are, THEN I'll take more action but in the meantime I want to take it slow :)

Okay, okay, I'll confess. This struck a chord with me because someone told me he felt smothered. Well, I took it in stride and backed off but I wished that I had been told earlier because the situation wasn't what he thought. Ugh!

I know how you feel, which exactly why I tread carefully early on in the relationship. I want her to feel like I'm glad to be around her, but I don't want her to feel overwhelmed by me.

Giggly said:
I think we ISFJs are the smothering type.
We have to work on that.

Yes we are :cry:

I don't how it is for you ladies, but for me it's because my personal relationships are extremely important to me and the one with my spouse/S.O/girlfriend is at the top of that list (on equal footing with my parents actually) so I tend to invest a LOT of energy into the relationship.
 

Warm

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The guy who felt smothered felt like I was treating him like a boyfriend simply because I wanted his undivided attention while chatting. I explained to him that that is what I'm used to with ANYONE I chat with online. Usually, if someone doesn't have time to chat, that person will tell me and we will just talk later or something. Instead, he would just not say anything, leaving me to think that he was ignoring me. COMMUNICATION!!! All he had to do was man up and tell me he had things to do and didn't have time to chat. What the hell?
 

Warm

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WARMY-CHAN!!! So good to see you again :D.
*hugs*


I don't how it is for you ladies, but for me it's because my personal relationships are extremely important to me and the one with my spouse/S.O/girlfriend is at the top of that list (on equal footing with my parents actually) so I tend to invest a LOT of energy into the relationship.

I was the total opposite in my marriage. My husband WANTED something a bit closer to feeling smothered. *shrugs*
 

Giggly

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Yes we are :cry:

I don't how it is for you ladies, but for me it's because my personal relationships are extremely important to me and the one with my spouse/S.O/girlfriend is at the top of that list (on equal footing with my parents actually) so I tend to invest a LOT of energy into the relationship.

Yes, of course, but that sort of intensity makes some people feel too much pressure.

I was the total opposite in my marriage. My husband WANTED something a bit closer to feeling smothered. *shrugs*

I'd like a husband who wants the smothering. It feels good to give someone what they really want, especially when it's what you really want too. lol
 

tinker683

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Yes, of course, but that sort of intensity makes some people feel too much pressure.

Indeedy, which is why I try to be very formal and reserved about it. I don't want to scare her away :cry:

I'd like a husband who wants the smothering. It feels good to give someone what they really want, especially when it's what you really want too. lol

I'd like a wife who wants a same thing. One of the things I loved very much about my ENFJ is that she not only didn't mind the intensity, she seemed to match it herself sometimes. I think it's that aspect that draws me to NFs :wubbie:
 

Giggly

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Indeedy, which is why I try to be very formal and reserved about it. I don't want to scare her away :cry:

I dunno, I don't know how to turn it on and off yet. It's a skill I'd like to learn though. Right now I'm sort of "all or nothing".


I'd like a wife who wants a same thing. One of the things I loved very much about my ENFJ is that she not only didn't mind the intensity, she seemed to match it herself sometimes.

Sometimes or all the time?
 

Warm

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I asked my ex if I smothered him and he said that I did. Wow. Apparently, we had different definitions of smothering, for my wanting him around seemed like smothering to him; however, I was under the impression that he actually wanted more from me since he said that I didn't give him enough affection. Go figure.
 
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