[ISFJ] ISFJs and dating

[tinker683]

I dunno, I don't know how to turn it on and off yet. It's a skill I'd like to learn though. Right now I'm sort of "all or nothing".

I again don't know how it is for you ladies as I know that, socially, women are expected to behave differently than men but for me, this is where social standards and rules of etiquette become very useful.

If it were up to me, I would tell the woman I was interested in how often I think about her, how much I hope I can be useful to her, how much I love spending what time I get too spend with her, and how much I want to help her get to whereever it is she's going.

Of course, few people can tolerate (let alone desire) this sort of emotional intensity before a relationship has even begun! I imagine 99.99% of women would be overwhelmed if I dropped that much in their lap all at once.

Which is why....I do it slowly, and carefully. Socially speaking, men generally are expected to express affection in the form of gifts, carefully-worded statements, acts of kindness or charity, and simple physical gestures of affection in the early stages of a relationship. Since that's how it's expected to be, I follow those rules very careful but I also add my own twists to each of these actions and/or statements.

The whole time, of course, I'm practically simmering with emotion, but I keep it to myself.

Once the relationships gets serious, then I slowly start to let my walls (floodgates would probably be better word for it) down. It's usually around this time she'll discover just how strongly I feel about her and just for how long I have been holding these feelings inside me.

Jennifer, my ENFJ, really liked that aspect about me.

So I understand what you mean by "all or nothing", I would just recommend trying to find someway of distilling the feelings down so you don't end up overwhelming whatever lucky guy winds up with you

Sometimes or all the time?

Sometimes. Sometimes I would overwhelm her, sometimes when we were having some really emotional moment or conversation she would overwhelm me. When it comes to love, NFs are *extremely* passionate and intense individuals but sometimes I got the feeling she was putting me on a pedestal which was really awkward for me as it made me kind of self-conscious about what I would say to her or what I would do, like I would end up letting her down in someway (which is stupid to say because I know in my heart of hearts it would take a great deal for me to do that).

 

[d@v3]

I'm probably setting myself up by saying this, but, I really don't think I would mind the ISFJ smothering. In fact, it would probably be refreshing! Of course, this probably depends on what actions "smothering" entails.

 

[Warm]

Tinker is so honey.

 

[tinker683]

I'm probably setting myself up by saying this, but, I really don't think I would mind the ISFJ smothering. In fact, it would probably be refreshing! Of course, this probably depends on what actions "smothering" entails.

*moves out of the way as the ISFJ female prepare to pounce...*

Tinker is so honey.

I'm hoping by "honey" you mean "really sweet" and if so, then I think you're very honey too Warm

 

[Warm]

I'm hoping by "honey" you mean "really sweet" and if so, then I think you're very honey too Warm

*blushes*

 

[Emectar]

Everything you've described is so familiar to me.

And as for us ENFPs putting you ISFJs on a pedastal, in my opinion i think its that you guys dont often seem to realize how great you are as opposed to us getting overly idealistic. Maybe its a bit of both, but the ISFJs i know all seem to be unaware of what a fabulous bunch they are.

 

[d@v3]

*moves out of the way as the ISFJ female prepare to pounce...*

.....

 

[EJCC]

I also wouldn't mind those floodgates opening. It's a sign that the person being vented at is trusted, and trustworthy. (I know this from all my INFJ friends and family, who are also like that.) The only two ISFJs I've been friends with, right when the floodgates would have opened, locked the gates and shut me out

Not that this is related at all to dating... but I'm just sayin'.

 

[liYA]

I do this sometimes. Sometimes I can let go of a person or a situation very very quickly. Other times, feelings of admiration and/or respect will linger for...well, almost ever.

I relate to this ^^very much


but not this

I think we ISFJs are the smothering type.

 

[Caligula]

I still don't know my type, but of all the type descriptions on Personality Page, I relate most to ISFJ. Here's my experience with dating, let me know if you can relate:

-If I don't see the possibility of a long term relationship, it's out of the question. I see relationships for the sake of relationships as sort of a waste of time; I'm very long-term oriented.
-Have trouble getting over relationships. I dated my last boyfriend (ISFP) for 2.5 years and here I am half a year later still obsessing over it. I even got into another relationship with an ISTX, which ended because I'm still not over my dear ISFP.
-Want a close relationship/a connection.
-Want to do nice things for the other person. I love cooking/baking/making things for them.
-Extremely loyal. I can't even think about other people when I'm in a relationship.
-Reacts to the other person. I change myself to try to make the relationship work, depending on what they want. I think this is both a good thing and a fault.
-Can be a little obsessive... (I'm definitely like this.)

Let me know if I'm way off here and I can delete/move this post.
ISFJs, have you ever broken up with someone? If so, how do you do it?

 

[tinker683]

I still don't know my type, but of all the type descriptions on Personality Page, I relate most to ISFJ. Here's my experience with dating, let me know if you can relate:

-If I don't see the possibility of a long term relationship, it's out of the question. I see relationships for the sake of relationships as sort of a waste of time; I'm very long-term oriented.
-Have trouble getting over relationships. I dated my last boyfriend (ISFP) for 2.5 years and here I am half a year later still obsessing over it. I even got into another relationship with an ISTX, which ended because I'm still not over my dear ISFP.
-Want a close relationship/a connection.
-Want to do nice things for the other person. I love cooking/baking/making things for them.
-Extremely loyal. I can't even think about other people when I'm in a relationship.
-Reacts to the other person. I change myself to try to make the relationship work, depending on what they want. I think this is both a good thing and a fault.
-Can be a little obsessive... (I'm definitely like this.)

Let me know if I'm way off here and I can delete/move this post.

Sounds like me. Took me two years to get over my ENFJ.

ISFJs, have you ever broken up with someone? If so, how do you do it?

I have (my ENFJ) and it's like the first item on your list: It was a LDR and when it came to light that that wasn't ever going to change, I realized it was hurting me more to be with her than not. So I brought up my concerns with her and...well...everything hit the fan then.

It was a messy breakup, but we reconciled some months later and have been good friends ever since

 

[Giggly]

ISFJs, have you ever broken up with someone? If so, how do you do it?

The only way this could not be really hard is if you don't care about that person, in which case, the ISFJ probably wouldn't be dating someone they don't care about.

But anyways, I think it generally takes ISFJs a while to get over a breakup. I think we're too clingy.