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  1. #1
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Red face Wanting to get Closer to an ISTJ friend

    Well, I met this girl at school and after getting to know her better.. I think possibly she could be an ISTJ.

    So I'm hoping some ISTJs can answer some of my questions concerning how you act with your friends just to possibly give me more insight on understanding her better.

    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?



    Thanks for taking the time to read this!
    Last edited by Serenes; 11-27-2010 at 02:53 AM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...ad.php?t=37075

    But I'll answer you here also since you have so many specific questions.

    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    I'm terrible at that, so I'm usually waiting for others to invite me.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    I don't say things out of politeness, but then again I try to avoid being inpolite. And I'm terrible at telling white lies.

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    I think I'd mostly just be blunt and avoid the person the best of my ability. But I wouldn't tell him/her to get lost.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    Not very often. But I neither feel offended if someone asks me a question. I'm mostly concerned if they just are ready to hear what I have to say. If I'm asked a direct question, I really can't leave it unanswered. Althought I've learned to ask "Why do you want to know that?" in order to find where the conversation is going and address to that immediatelly.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    I generally trust people, since I'm dependable guy myself. However, I don't like sharing my inner thougths and embarassing moments with anyone.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    Very long time. IJ type of people get to know me more than the rest of them. They seem to better understand my need for privacy.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    Dependability and that I know they are willing to keep my interests for me. I do not like people who'd be willing to mislead me. And I dislike white lies too.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    Deal-breakers... insensitivity and cruelness. If you are willing to hurt people, you don't deserve my friendship.

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    I'm active when I'm happy. When I'm not happy, I'm passive. As an introvert, I need a safe environment to be active socially. An environment with too many disturbances (as in dominating personalities) will make me go passive and unhappy.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    Only if they couldn't explain their view. I have little values, I'm actually rather rational and not very judgmental type of person. 'Live and let live' is kinda my philosophy of life.

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    Yes and yes. I own it to my friends that they can rely on me any given moment. I think that is the definition of friends.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?

    I have. I need to be able to trust them. If there's no trust, I can only consider them people "who are fun to be with", but can't really form a deeper connection. That means I don't talk to them often and only see them at special occasion.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  3. #3
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Only very few times I've wanted to befriend someone actively. To me, it feels very odd and uncomfortable. In pretty much all of my friendships, I let the other person or people approach me first and progress the friendship actively; I just gladly help them along if they try. So I'm not used to pursuing friendship, I'm passive about it. That's why it feels odd, almost romantic, to try to initiate friendship. Completely the wrong dynamic.

    The few times it has come up, that I've met someone (in class, for example) who seemed really cool and who I'd want to get to know, I didn't do anything myself, even though I wanted to be friends with the guy and was intrigued. If it formed, it was because he wanted to be friends, too.

    Are you usually kind and say things out of politeness instead of what you really think? (like compliments and such)

    I don't say things I don't mean out of politeness, not really. However, I often exaggerate my interest or express it more vividly for the sake of conversation. In that sense, I feel like I'm being "polite". My natural state is not to be interested in conversations with strangers, plus I'm generally not as enthusiastic about things as most people. Hard to thrill me. So to help conversation actually flourish, I may augment my actual interest or feeling, you know? But not by lying.

    If someone were annoying you, would you ever confront them about it? What would you do if you didn't like someone's company and yet they kept trying to talk to you?

    Assuming you're talking about annoying people who want to be my friends, and not just annoying people in general. No, I probably wouldn't "confront" them, when they're just trying to be friends. If they're impossible to tolerate, I'll just find ways to get away from them, and eventually ways to get rid of them completely. If it were to get really bad, maybe I'd have a talk with them, but it's hard to lose all sympathy when I know they're just trying to be friendly.

    Once we're established friends, if they annoy me, I let them know. Meaning, I ask them to stop, and if that doesn't work, then I tell them to stop. It's much easier to communicate this and be straightforward once we understand each other as friends, and are not still in the getting acquainted phase.

    Do you share personal thoughts often? Would you feel threatened/annoyed if it seemed like someone kept asking about your personal life?

    I guess I don't really share my personal thoughts often, but I notice that doing so is a good way to foster conversation, even small talk, so I may put some out there. When a stranger starts talking about my personal life, I feel pretty uncomfortable, yeah. I'd ease in slowly, not being too specific. If too personal, I might just avoid answering altogether. But really, if I want to be friends with the person, I'll try to share slowly, bit by bit. I don't spill my whole life the first day (or even the first week or month) I know someone.

    Do you trust your friends easily, how do they gain your trust?

    This is kind of a hard one to answer. I generally always give people the benefit of the doubt unless they prove over time that I can't trust them. I am still cautious in my expectations and don't expect everyone to fall into my code of decent conduct, I instead account for that beforehand. Trust and especially loyalty are natural things for me, they're easy. And the more my friends support me, the more I trust them (which seems to me vague enough to be true for most people's views on their friends, really).

    Maybe you mean how friends gain my trust to be more open with them. It just takes time and consistent consideration for my values and efforts. Proving themselves over time.

    How long does it take for you to open up and feel comfortable around a friend? What kinds of people do you open up to easier or gravitate towards?

    Depends how quickly the friend opens up to me, and how deep we get. I guess about 3 to 6 months...? No particular kinds have preference, I think.

    What do you enjoy most about your friends? What kind of qualities do you like in your friendship?

    Just someone to laugh with, someone to talk with about usual and unusual, important and unimportant things all, someone who has my back, etc. Can't think of specifics here... Interesting last question, I'm not sure what I preferably want in my friendship. One thing I lack is being able to discuss intellectual topics in depth with friends, which is just one of my hobbies and not one of theirs, for the most part; also not being completely open with any one friend, with them each knowing about 90% of me, in different overlapping parts. But I may prefer the last thing, anyway.

    What qualities do you Not like in your friendships? Any deal-breakers?

    Not respecting my values and decisions (disagreeing is fine, belittling and mocking is not), maybe exposing secrets or something I confided in them. These would be the worst crimes, I'd just stop talking to them totally. As for milder offenses, I'm not as sure. For example, lack of confidence isn't a friend dealbreaker. Cynicism isn't even by itself a dealbreaker. People are different, and I give a lot of leeway in my friendships, much more than in relationships, I suppose.

    How do you usually act when you're having a good time? How do you usually act when you're having a bad time?

    Again, keep in mind that it's rare to get me thrilled about anything. So usually, "good time" refers to "content, satisfied, comfortable" and not "ecstatic", whereas "bad time" can range from "uncomfortable, anxious" to "annoyed, stressed" to "spazzed" or worse.

    Anyway, calm and neutral need not be considered a bad mood coming from me, and usually in a good mood I'll be joking around a little bit. A bad mood sees me get quieter and more distant / avoidant. When I'm angry I shut up completely, sometimes putting in jabs. If it's really bad, especially under stress or pressure (could be social pressure, pressure you're putting on me, even), I could spaz out and look ridiculous going on a rant. (But mock rants can also be humor, sorry to confuse you.) When I'm feeling uncomfortable or miserable, I'll just follow around with a downer-face, wishing I were somewhere else, trying to find ways to get out of there. If forced to be there, I may start whining, too.

    If your friends had a totally different view on something that you believed to be important and right, would you think of them differently?

    Slightly, I suppose, but I wouldn't re-evaluate our friendship in any degree, in most cases.

    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    As I said, "obligation" just comes naturally to me. It's default mode, because I want to be there for my friends. Sometimes my introversion does get the better of me, and I rationalize ways not to "be there" for them in some degree, I guess. What kind of "obligations" did you have in mind? With friends, I would expect it to always be out of genuine desires. But as for friendship that is still developing, I don't know.

    In turn, do you usually have any expectations of your friends? What if they don't fulfill them?

    Another hard question. I don't have many stringent expectations of my friends. Just the basics that I kind of covered already, I think.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Again, keep in mind that it's rare to get me thrilled about anything. So usually, "good time" refers to "content, satisfied, comfortable" and not "ecstatic", whereas "bad time" can range from "uncomfortable, anxious" to "annoyed, stressed" to "spazzed" or worse.

    Anyway, calm and neutral need not be considered a bad mood coming from me, and usually in a good mood I'll be joking around a little bit.
    ^ I've seen this, but if we're talking about interactions with an INFP, then it's doubtful a serious exterior would stop them from exploring the unknown. Your interior is filled with endless possibilities just waiting to be discovered. Yes, there is crazy fun in there!!!

    Throughout my life, my best of friends were ISTJ and ISTP. Both types are without a doubt worth the effort to get to know. Once you've developed a bond, they are what I would call 'real,' 'true' friends. I have not experienced a natural connection like this with any other type to the same degree. Trustworthy, generous, patient and forgiving with their trusted friends.

    In my opinion, their biggest weakness is not being confident/assertive; holding back their ideas and stressing about details until they have the reassurance they need to proceed. They do seem to need a lot of reassurance. To an INFP this may translate as weakness, but this type is by no means weak. They're flexible (with those they respect), they get stuff done and they do it exceptionally well, exceptionally!!!

    Pay close attention to facial expressions and body language. If in doubt, talk to your ISTJ one-on-one. If you take the initiative and the time to get to know your ISTJ friend, my guess is your friend will more than meet you halfway.

    As with any relationship, communication is key. Don't be afraid to initiate it.

  5. #5
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Do you ever Want to befriend someone, if so, do you ever put in the effort to hang out with them more often or find time to spend with them? Do you often try to invite them out or wait for the other person to ask instead?

    Only very few times I've wanted to befriend someone actively. To me, it feels very odd and uncomfortable. In pretty much all of my friendships, I let the other person or people approach me first and progress the friendship actively; I just gladly help them along if they try. So I'm not used to pursuing friendship, I'm passive about it. That's why it feels odd, almost romantic, to try to initiate friendship. Completely the wrong dynamic.

    The few times it has come up, that I've met someone (in class, for example) who seemed really cool and who I'd want to get to know, I didn't do anything myself, even though I wanted to be friends with the guy and was intrigued. If it formed, it was because he wanted to be friends, too.
    This seems similar to her(the ISTJ friend). I feel like, if it wasn't for me Trying to talk to her most of the time and integrating myself into her schedule, we would have never been able to develop a better friendship. In a way, she appears super independent and fine in her own company, so if I were to stop trying to hang out and talk to her, I don't think she'd really try to keep the friendship going lol. I get the sense that, she enjoys my company when we have time together, But if not it's still okay and it would not bother her at all haha. Kinda funny sometimes when she is wierded out as to why I like walking her to her classes all the time before I leave for mine.. isn't it obvious that I do that because I enjoy her company and to have time to talk to her? lol.

    Hmm, so it feels odd to you to initiate a friendship because of the awkward romantic dynamic? Is it because you're afraid of how strange you may appear to others or mostly just because it feels weird to you? Kinda interesting because I never really thought of that getting in the way. Initiating a friendship to me just means I'm interested in becoming friends because we have a lot of things in common and could have fun together. The only time the romance thing gets in the way is if I knew their sexual orientation pointed to me as a possibility, then it may make me feel like I'm pursuing them lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Do you ever feel like you have certain obligations to your friends and try to fulfill them? Or do you usually do it because you want to?

    As I said, "obligation" just comes naturally to me. It's default mode, because I want to be there for my friends. Sometimes my introversion does get the better of me, and I rationalize ways not to "be there" for them in some degree, I guess. What kind of "obligations" did you have in mind? With friends, I would expect it to always be out of genuine desires. But as for friendship that is still developing, I don't know.
    What I meant by obligations is the standards of what You think you'd have to fulfill to be a good friend to them. So have you often done what you would not normally do for your friends because it's part of what you think 'being a good friend' is? Ex: Friend invites you to a party and you know they want you there, but you really do not want to go.. but you may force yourself to go for their sake to fulfill the 'good friend' role.
    I guess what I was really asking is if you do things more out of responsibility of being a friend or because you more often do things because you want to and enjoy making them happy.

    Thank you Habba and Cimarron for taking the time to answer I like reading your responses and possibly understanding you guys better! There doesn't seem to be many ISTJs on the forum lol.
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  6. #6
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    ^ I've seen this, but if we're talking about interactions with an INFP, then it's doubtful a serious exterior would stop them from exploring the unknown. Your interior is filled with endless possibilities just waiting to be discovered. Yes, there is crazy fun in there!!!
    Yeahh, my friend always seems so composed and calm... but when she gets silly, she is incredibly funny and great to be around lol (usually happens when we are alone or in comfortable company). It's amusing to see the change. I was pretty surprised how open she could be when i asked her some questions. It really blew me away because of how private she always seemed! I think she could be way more open and honest than me :p just needs someone who cares enough to ask and be interested.

    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    Throughout my life, my best of friends were ISTJ and ISTP. Both types are without a doubt worth the effort to get to know. Once you've developed a bond, they are what I would call 'real,' 'true' friends. I have not experienced a natural connection like this with any other type to the same degree. Trustworthy, generous, patient and forgiving with their trusted friends.

    In my opinion, their biggest weakness is not being confident/assertive; holding back their ideas and stressing about details until they have the reassurance they need to proceed. They do seem to need a lot of reassurance. To an INFP this may translate as weakness, but this type is by no means weak. They're flexible (with those they respect), they get stuff done and they do it exceptionally well, exceptionally!!!
    Yes, ISTJs seem like VERY DEPENDABLE, honest, caring, and good friends. Even though I haven't known her for very long, I kinda feel like I could be safe with her probably compared to some of my other friends lol.

    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    Pay close attention to facial expressions and body language. If in doubt, talk to your ISTJ one-on-one. If you take the initiative and the time to get to know your ISTJ friend, my guess is your friend will more than meet you halfway.

    As with any relationship, communication is key. Don't be afraid to initiate it.
    Yeah, when I talk to people I like to see their facial expressions and body language to see how they are really feeling haha. She does seems to open up way more when we are one-one compared to if there were other unfamiliar people around that she did not know well.
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  7. #7
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    Hmm, so it feels odd to you to initiate a friendship because of the awkward romantic dynamic? ....
    No, no, I think I wasn't clear there. To me, friendship doesn't seem like something that's "pursued": I pursue romance (sometimes). I don't pursue friendship, I just let it happen. And that's not always a "rule," that's just how it seems to feel. So it feels odd doing A by the B method, if you see what I mean. It seems that I should be doing A by the A method. But then it does get more complicated, because those "mixed feelings" make me feel like I'm in the wrong situation, since romance and friendship are different...

    And that's also why there may be some truth in your guess that "if you hadn't tried to keep up friendship," maybe you two wouldn't even bother talking anymore, because for me, I build friendship on a "responding" basis. I respond to someone trying to make friends with me, but don't really initiate it on my own. (shrug) Your guess about her not even caring about missing a potential is not necessarily true, though. Depends how cool she thinks you are, how much she wanted to be friends. I know it could look that way, though...

    Heh, facial expressions will work, if you can find them!
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  8. #8
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    No, no, I think I wasn't clear there. To me, friendship doesn't seem like something that's "pursued": I pursue romance (sometimes). I don't pursue friendship, I just let it happen. And that's not always a "rule," that's just how it seems to feel. So it feels odd doing A by the B method, if you see what I mean. It seems that I should be doing A by the A method. But then it does get more complicated, because those "mixed feelings" make me feel like I'm in the wrong situation, since romance and friendship are different...
    Yeah, I like to have friendships to just naturally happen too. I guess using the word pursue sounds a bit strange. I think my original question meant it more as trying to maintain the friendship and trying to bring it from a superficial level to something better. So sort of taking the initiative to develop a closer friendship with them (like inviting them out & hanging out with them when you have time to forge a stronger bond?), but I guess that can be sort of be seen as similar to a romantic pursuit.

    Yeah I see what you mean. I guess I have felt a bit weirded out myself sometimes because we are both girls and I'm always trying to initiate contact with her... so it's like I'm pursuing her? lol. But yah if I were to 'just let it happen' then I think our friendship would have just died or taken very long to get to the comfortable stage :p. But yes I see why you prefer responding instead of initiating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    And that's also why there may be some truth in your guess that "if you hadn't tried to keep up friendship," maybe you two wouldn't even bother talking anymore, because for me, I build friendship on a "responding" basis. I respond to someone trying to make friends with me, but don't really initiate it on my own. (shrug) Your guess about her not even caring about missing a potential is not necessarily true, though. Depends how cool she thinks you are, how much she wanted to be friends. I know it could look that way, though...

    Heh, facial expressions will work, if you can find them!
    I didn't exactly say she wouldn't care or miss me if that happened just that she may not feel too bothered to maintain it and still be okay with it. I don't dislike her for that though, it just makes me aware that I will have to initiate more if I wanted to hang out with her instead of waiting. Haha yeah... ISTJs have good poker faces!
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Heh, facial expressions will work, if you can find them!
    ^ One of my dearest friends right now is an ISTJ. She's like a sister to me. I trust her almost as much as I trust myself, which is a lot! I agree with Serenes, "very dependable" type. In a group of people, she makes faces that crack me up when somebody annoys her. When she makes the facial expressions, I get the sense she really wants to say what's on her mind, but then she doesn't speak up for herself, grrrr. Maybe facial expressions are more common in females than males...?

    Quote Originally Posted by Serenes View Post
    Yeah I see what you mean. I guess I have felt a bit weirded out myself sometimes because we are both girls ...
    ^ Just a minor detail. I missed those pigtails the first time around.

  10. #10
    Member Serenes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    ^ One of my dearest friends right now is an ISTJ. She's like a sister to me. I trust her almost as much as I trust myself, which is a lot! I agree with Serenes, "very dependable" type. In a group of people, she makes faces that crack me up when somebody annoys her. When she makes the facial expressions, I get the sense she really wants to say what's on her mind, but then she doesn't speak up for herself, grrrr. Maybe facial expressions are more common in females than males...?
    lol.. I know what you mean! I love her looks followed by the -silence-.. It's funny I don't think she even notices when she makes those faces sometimes, it's like an automatic reaction lol.




    Quote Originally Posted by perfectgirl View Post
    ^ Just a minor detail. I missed those pigtails the first time around.
    haha, it's okay. I read your reply before and realized you had mistaken lol.
    "You may be one person to the world, but to one person you may be the world."

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