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  1. #11
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Don't be afraid to speak up at work and if it comes to it, disagree. Drop your tonal quality a few notches. Don't say cutesy things. Don't dress in a cute way. And most of all, no giggling...plse.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Gerbah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    i am doomed to be "cute" too. and carded. lol. i always feel like i have to prove myself to others. i guess though we have some advantages, don't we? it's gonna be great for the rest of our lives to be seen as younger than we are. being "cute" means people generally like us and trust us. they see us as kind, which is a good thing in a lot of situations.

    other than that i am looking forward to more tips from others.
    Yes, it can have advantages. People are very willing to help the cute. I've gotten stuff for free lots of times. Especially free food. Like, I buy something and they offer me a free croissant with it. Or I want to buy a certain sandwich but for some reason I can't have it so I choose another one and they say have it for free because it's not the one I originally wanted, lol.
    the shoheen ho of the wind of the west and the lulla lo of the soft sea billow - Alfred Graves

  3. #13
    likes this gromit's Avatar
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    I can relate, gracefully. I don't really know exactly if I have any great advice though. People have thought I'm up to ten years younger than I am (I'm 26...ugh).

    Do you feel confident in yourself, gracefully? That is something huge I'm working on. I don't know if it will help with people's perceptions of me or not (but I think it does), but, in general, feeling confident in myself will help those perceptions not to matter so much to me.
    Your kisses, sweeter than honey. But guess what, so is my money.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Craft View Post
    Being ISFJ, shouldn't you have that natural tendency to appear strong and confident? My ISFJ sister is pretty scary and dominant. She's adjustable too though so it makes her a bit paradoxical.
    No, that's ESFJ, most likely.

    I think it's an ISFJ trait to be considered as "mostly harmless".

    I think the main source for that trait is ISFJ's tendencies to uphold the harmony at the expense of oneself.

    I know few ISFJs very closely, and I've noticed that each one of them is completely and utterly incapable of saying: "No."

    They are more inclaned to try to redirect the conversation in such a way that their opinions won't be decisive or against the majority. They especially won't go against people close to them.

    Try cooking an ISFJ a dinner, and ask his or her opinion of it. No matter how terrible a cook you are, they are never going to say "That was an awful dinner. You shouldn't be cooking". Instead, they'll appreciate the effort and thought behind the deed.

    So whatever you do to them, they'll just smile and say "Thank you". Well, not always, but you get the point.

    So if you want to get rid of your "mostly harmless"-tag, this is what I think you should be doing:

    -Become more objective, rather than subjective. Giving negative feedback is actually more useful than only giving positive feedback. Giving only positive feedback rarely leads to concrete improvements. It sure gives a morale boost, but it can also contribute to delusions of grandeur. Hence one should consider using a "hamburger"-model. That is... first give positive feedback, then negative feedback, and then again more positive feedback. This way you can actually deliver critique without seeming like an a-hole.

    -Know your rights. It's not selfish to stand up for yourself. For example, should someone jump in line just in front of you, don't think "We'll, they sure are some rude people... they'll get what's coming for them sooner or later". Well, the truth is... they'll get that, and much more. Laws of karma is not really a real thing, so don't count on it. Make sure you get what's yours, and that no one else is taking it. So... the next time someone tries to jump in line, raise a hell and make it damn clear that you are not tolerating this at all. Don't be afraid of making a scene, when you should be making a scene.

    -Voice your opinions, and expect others to do so as well! There's no such thing as "normal". Don't be so worried about that people will find out that you are not normal, because no one is normal! We are not the same, and each one of us has their own way of living. Don't expect people to know what should be, because their view of "what should be" is most likely very different from your view of "what should be". I've come across quite a many times when ISFJs are frustrated by other people who do not know how to behave themselves. However, almost never these ISFJs choose to act because they think that everyone knows how to behave, and that people behaving badly are just evil from inside. In reality, those people just are not aware that they are insulting you with their behavior. So... make sure you raise your opinions, and make sure you also take into account other people's differing opinions. They are not there out to get you for your "weird" opinions, they just have a different perspective of what's normal to them.

    Well... that turned out to be a rant.

    Short summary: Acknowledge that you are worth other people's time and attention. Acknowledge also that people don't read your mind and don't always know you are being offended. You have to say that out loud. People are being treated just the way they accept to be treated.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  5. #15
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    Really, the best way is to find a character on television who embodies the traits you want and to copy them. Watch two or more episodes a day for the next 4 weeks. (Download, rent, whatever.) You'll start to absorb their traits naturally within a couple weeks. If, on top of that, you make a conscious effort to mimic them, you'll absorb even more. You'll learn how to be a little more edgy, to pick fights, and to stand your ground, and you'll start seeing YOURSELF differently. As soon as that happens, people's perception of you will fall in line. If it not, you'll correct them, naturally.
    I think this is a horrid piece of advice. Rather than acknowledging yourself, you are advicing to mimic someone else's personality. I think that's the quickest way to be a fake.

    However, there's point in watching how people behave, to make conclusion how different traits in personality work.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  6. #16
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    Rather than acknowledging yourself, you are advicing to mimic someone else's personality. I think that's the quickest way to be a fake.

    However, there's point in watching how people behave, to make conclusion how different traits in personality work.
    well, and i think there is a big difference between having a role model and attempting to mimic their good qualities in your own way versus attempting to become that person.

    anyone can be more decisive or persuasive, for example, and watching someone else do it in a controlled environment like watching TV can help you see how it's done without needing to worry about real-time things. the key, of course, will be in learning which decisions to make or what to persuade people about. and that is an individual thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    Hence one should consider using a "hamburger"-model. That is... first give positive feedback, then negative feedback, and then again more positive feedback. This way you can actually deliver critique without seeming like an a-hole.


    i love this method. we used it in one of my student groups when we were talking about officer candidates. you say something great about the person, then you voice a concern, then you end with something great again. it really softens things, and it helps those of us who are not so naturally great at criticizing to voice our opinions.

    though, habba, some of the things you are addressing seem more appealing to someone with Fi than Fe.

    what i mean is that my mom is an ESFJ, and about the standing in line thing - i think what upsets her is not so much necessarily that she got fronted, but that it's not that person's turn in the order of things. like you were saying, many SFJs see themselves as less important in the face of global harmony (which is something the rest of us could perhaps learn from), and my mom will speak up for the sake of the group. personally, i will rant and rave about the ethical unfairness of it on a personal level, whereas she sees it on a society level. and for her, that's the key to speaking up - that she takes care of the greater group. and it's great that she does!

    so we both reach that same point of being vocal to protect rights, she just sees it from a group perspective while i see it from an individual one, and perhaps gracefully, as an SFJ, would better prefer to see it from the group perspective as well. though perhaps not!

  7. #17
    Senior Member swordpath's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThatsWhatHeSaid View Post
    Really, the best way is to find a character on television who embodies the traits you want and to copy them. Watch two or more episodes a day for the next 4 weeks. (Download, rent, whatever.) You'll start to absorb their traits naturally within a couple weeks. If, on top of that, you make a conscious effort to mimic them, you'll absorb even more. You'll learn how to be a little more edgy, to pick fights, and to stand your ground, and you'll start seeing YOURSELF differently. As soon as that happens, people's perception of you will fall in line. If it not, you'll correct them, naturally.

    Any ideas for some TV shows?

    and by adding a little more effort, you
    How ThatsWhatHeSaid became David Schwimmer.

  8. #18
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Actually, you have that backwards. :P

  9. #19
    Senior Member ThatsWhatHeSaid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    I think this is a horrid piece of advice. Rather than acknowledging yourself, you are advicing to mimic someone else's personality. I think that's the quickest way to be a fake.

    However, there's point in watching how people behave, to make conclusion how different traits in personality work.
    I'll tell you why it's actually great advice.

    Some people have no conception of what it takes to be strong. Other times, they don't have the guts to act that way. And when you play games with them, giving them all sorts of instructions for introspection or asking them to summon inner strength, they can easily get lost in their head, wondering who they are, whether they're doing it right, etc.

    Mimicking is a great way to push yourself into new psychological territory. The point isn't that she surrender who she is completely. The point is that she see that she has those skills, and can then drop the persona altogether (or internalize it).

    Buddhists have similar practices with tantras. It's very useful.

  10. #20
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    You can't change peoples perception of your_self but you can change the perception of YOU!

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