Put it this way:
I know I should let people be as they are, because life is a clusterfuck mess of complex variations and there are innumerable perspectives to consider.
I know that being forceful, close minded and arrogant are not positive traits and only beget the same.
I know that compassion and consideration are incredibly important traits to possess and understand, in order to see the perspective of others. Rather than just superficial nice-ness because I think it is expected of me.
I know that there aren't actually any real 'shoulds' in this world, just shadows of obligation we believe are real.
I know all of these things.
But deep down....do I believe them?
I'm not so sure. And even as I am aware of my failings in those areas, I am also aware of a lifetime of trying to change who I am in order to NOT become those things, but it's only made me unhappy.
Perhaps I have to ride with it?
Why should it be that cruelty, manipulation and close-mindedness bring me pleasure? Why is that a natural state?
I don't know, but in my case I know it to be my true face. And I spend all of my energy fighting it.
But I am starting to give in. Imagine you are a machine gun, being used to chop wood. That's what it feels like.
And knowing that I am naturally a cunt and a weapon for destruction, not creation, is a damnation.
It's not even intended on purpose and nor do I justify it, it just slips out in the moment and only in retrospect do I catch it.
And sometimes in that moment I also catch a glimpse of myself through another's perspective and I despise what I see. Constantly having to look over your own shoulder in order to catch what you are saying or doing...it's a fucking nightmare.
And that...thing I see is the true me, the true self. The person that people know on here.....that's the real lie.
I'm on guard...not for social convention, but against myself. I suspect I am losing as well...either way.
In Gifts Different it is mentioned that judgement is always better directed towards the impersonal and inhuman world and perception towards the personal and people.
Then why does Fe, even as a mere concept of a pattern, even fucking exist? The ONLY positive for the function is that it is necessary to set out social boundaries, because Fe requires those boundaries and people with Fe exist. So if Fe didn't exist in people it wouldn't even be necessary and I as a person wouldn't need to exist.