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Thread: ESFJ hates me

  1. #11
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Why are people assuming this person's perception of being targeted is correct?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  2. #12
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Why are people assuming this person's perception of being targeted is correct?
    I wasn't.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  3. #13
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amazingdatagirl View Post
    Background: I am a systems analyst in a small company. Most days, I shut myself in my office (a converted closet) and work on software projects all day long. Seriously, I can go a whole week without saying more than a few words to my co-workers.

    One of the bookkeepers has decided that she dislikes me. She is strong ESFJ (family pictures and cute sayings all over her desk, feelings easily hurt). This lady also has a history of conflict with other staff members. She seems to target her animosity towards one person for a while then they make up and are best buddies.

    Apparently, I am "the one" right now. If I ignore her, will she give up after a while?
    It's probably not as bad as you make it out to be.

  4. #14
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Why are people assuming this person's perception of being targeted is correct?
    why are you scrutinizing this person's perception here vs all of the other hundreds of perceptions that get posted here daily?

    somebody's sensitvvvvvvveeeee, awwwww

  5. #15
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nozflubber View Post
    why are you scrutinizing this person's perception here vs all of the other hundreds of perceptions that get posted here daily?

    somebody's sensitvvvvvvveeeee, awwwww
    That's no secret. But thanks for the hugs!

    and what makes you think I don't?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

  6. #16
    nee andante bechimo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amazingdatagirl View Post
    Apparently, I am "the one" right now. If I ignore her, will she give up after a while?
    Not usually, from my experience. Until you give her the attention and respect she feels she deserves and align your beliefs with hers, she will continue to pick on you.

    Somehow, somewhere, whether you intended to or not, you've offended her. This might just be a passing comment about being negative about one of her beliefs or actions that she's done in the past, even though it was a generic statement and you had no idea she indulged in it. Or you don't fit into her perspective of how the world should look, be and act. Or it might be that she feels she ranks you. She guards these beliefs and actions like they're the only way to live and be.

    How I've handled the unsolicited attentions of ESFJs is to ignore them to a point and then when the best opportunities presented themselves, buried them. This got them off my tail.

  7. #17
    Member amazingdatagirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Why are people assuming this person's perception of being targeted is correct?
    I don't make a habit of irrationally thinking that people are scheming against me (although I guess there's always a first time). She does have a history of inviting conflict. This person has been involved in at least one screaming incident in the office.

    BTW, proteanmix, I love your avatar. Very cool.

    Quote Originally Posted by INA View Post
    It's too late as in she's already been targeted. Ignoring her is one way to manage being targeted. It makes sense not to engage her, but she should watch her back to some extent and not ignore everything the woman gets up to that has to with her. It would help to have their interactions well documented and known to other coworkers. And it certainly helps that the woman already has a reputation for pot-stirring like this.
    Thanks, INA. I honestly don't care what she does/says/thinks about me. My only concern is the extent to which my professional reputation is affected.

    Quote Originally Posted by Metaphor View Post
    Somehow, somewhere, whether you intended to or not, you've offended her.
    LOL - I seem to go through life unintentionally offending people. Doesn't help that I have a fairly severe hearing impairment that makes conversation difficult (especially with motor mouth SJ's). Hiding in my closet office appears to be a good plan for now.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amazingdatagirl View Post
    . She is strong ESFJ (family pictures and cute sayings all over her desk, feelings easily hurt).
    Quote Originally Posted by amazingdatagirl View Post

    (especially with motor mouth SJ's)
    :rolli:

    I once had the unfortunate opportunity of interacting with an INFJ who possibly had mental health issues .. Should i then stereotype every INFJ as psychotic?

    I am sorry you are having issues with this woman but with the judgements you are passing at present, i think possibly you may just have some pressing issues with esfj's or are you possibly projecting?? (just asking, have to look at every eventuality)

    As an esfj with no pictures or cute sayings on my work desk .. I would speak to management and make them aware of the situation and that on a one to one you are going to talk to this woman amicably to find some kind of resolution but should the situation escalate you'll be bringing to management to step in. Simple.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  9. #19
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Do tell what she's done to indicate that you are "the one" so we have something to respond to.

    The good thing is that you are in an environment where that sort of thing is not usually tolerated, so keep notes on what happens like what was suggested already, and do your best to ignore her. If she keeps it up, report her.

    Another possibility is that she doesn't dislike you, but just wants your attention and doesnt know how to get it in a positive way. Sure, that's immature and you don't owe her anything but I was just putting that out there.

  10. #20
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by amazingdatagirl View Post
    I don't make a habit of irrationally thinking that people are scheming against me (although I guess there's always a first time). She does have a history of inviting conflict. This person has been involved in at least one screaming incident in the office.
    A story. One of my colleagues' cube is next to the copier machine. She was sitting on a balance ball at her desk with her chair behind her. My boss comes to the copier to pick up a boatload of copies. She goes into my coworker's cube takes her chair, puts the copies in the chair and off she goes. She comes back 10 minutes later with the chair and pushes it back into the cube and it rolls into my colleague. Never said a word to the coworker, never asked if she could use it, never thanked her, never said sorry for just pushing the chair back in the cube. It's like my coworker didn't even exist. My coworker has disliked my boss ever since. I'm pretty sure my boss didn't think anything of it and would be surprised to know that this woman wouldn't spit on her head if it was on fire.

    I'm a worker bee too so I know how these things go. The point of that story is there are countless opportunities to offend someone without you even being aware of it. It could be a poorly worded email, or a project gone awry that everyone passed the buck on, or a thoughtless action you don't even remember. I encourage you to look over your interactions with her and see if anything could've happened between the two of you that could be a simple clarification of intent would stop this.

    Another thing is even if you've had no interaction with her, this person could feel you don't like her. Feel your antipathy and disdain (you've communicated that even through this thread) and could be responding to that. For example, it can go like this: you see her in the hall and you avert your eyes and turn up your nose a bit. Your lips tighten. While some people are oblivious to these little body language communications, others read them loud and clear. You know she has a reputation and you feel wary of her because of it. She may be sensing it and is responding in kind.

    This may or may not matter to you, but it matters enough for you to make a thread about it. It's up to you if you want to proactively neutralize this situation on your own or go to your HR. She may not even own up to anything (if anything is happening...sorry). If she doesn't you're back at square one and may have a person with a grudge on your hands. At that point, it's very much up to you and how you handle the situation from that point forward.

    BTW, proteanmix, I love your avatar. Very cool.
    Thanks. Now I've got to look at which one I have up.

    I hope this works out for you. LOL - I seem to go through life unintentionally offending people. Doesn't help that I have a fairly severe hearing impairment that makes conversation difficult (especially with motor mouth SJ's). Hiding in my closet office appears to be a good plan for now.
    Hmmm. Two things: people who hunker down in their offices are generally perceived as unapproachable and difficult. If people don't think they can work with your professionally because of the aura you're putting out, is it surprising that people respond to you in this way? You may have learned to do this because of the hearing impairment because it's just easier than explaining the situation. It can be frustrating to rehash the same thing over again. There is a woman at my job who has a medical condition that causes her to emit a body odor. She has a pouch that collects fluid drainage and it smells. Thankfully, my boss told me about it and things made sense because I'd smelled her and was like WTF? Do you feel comfortable telling people about your hearing so they can be more understanding and not misinterpret why you act the way you do?
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

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