Hey everyone, I'm new here and this is a long post so be warned!
I think I've known for a long time that I was an ISTJ even before I took the test in college. Even back in middle school I was the teacher's favorite because I was the reliable quiet one who always did her work and turned it in on time. I was always early to class. My favorite books as a child were the encyclopedia set from which I would assign myself 'reports' from when I felt in need of extra work (which was most of the time). I ended up skipping pre-algebra in 7th grade after my math teacher recognized I wasn't challenged enough in the 'regular' and let me study it on my own instead of his class. I hated art class because it was so unstructured (and for the life of me couldn't cut a straight line as a child).
The thing I'm looking for advice about is what's happened since I was about 19. When I was in school I had a purpose, y'know? I was never a perfect student but I did fairly well (just missed being in the top 10%. I started university wanting to study engineering and go on to medical school. That crashed brilliantly second semester when I found the course load too difficult. Ever since I've felt a bit lost. My parents mean well but I ended up being pushed back into the old major after a year of trying other courses and I dutifully complied. I crashed again and nearly got kicked out of university for it. They finally relented and let me pick a major that I was interested in (although it has done nothing for a career). I really enjoyed my last year of college and found myself getting fairly good grades considering I was taking 300 and 400 level courses in a major I'd only taken 4 other classes in (I do admit it was History and once I realized most teachers wrote the same type of exams and expected the same type of essays I did alright).
It took me 9 long months to find a job afterwards (can't tell you how bad I felt being a mooch at 22). I loved everything about my new job at first. As cashier I did some of the basic accounting work for the office, rang up purchases and restocked the store. Unfortunately this is where my coworkers started becoming a problem. They started acting in a very inconsistent manner towards me, not following what I understood to be procedure. The women who trained me would teach me 'the right way' to do things and then 'the fast way'. I never liked it but humored them and eventually found their way to be preferable (as it got positive result and I got good reviews on my performance and left me time to do other things like read when no customers were around). When I had been hired we had an interim manager who was rarely checked in on us. About 4 months into working a new manager was hired. She knew what she wanted and she seemed to think I wasn't doing my job right (like she knew what my job was!). She would redo things I would do on the floor, berate me for small errors in accounting that I knew the head office found acceptable and treated me very differently (less respectfully) than she did the other office employees. I found myself becoming more and more dissatisfied with my job at this point (her treatment of me fed my coworkers mistreatment of me). I was tired of doing the same thing over and over (how very un-ISTJ of me, huh?) so I asked to transfer to another office where there was an opening for a different position. Through some manipulation by my boss (I think she recognized my tendencies by then and knew how to get to me) I ended up at the other office she managed in a position that was the virtual Siberia of the company. I had double the duties (I was acting cashier and counselor) but she never deigned to give me any type of compensation for these new duties and I felt it wasn't my place to ask the boss "please sir, may I have some more?". This location required double the commute time for me and had no back-up in my position. It was around this time I decided I wasn't going to stick with the company any longer than I had to and began planning for graduate school (I took a law school entrance exam study course and then the exam). I worked at the other office for 7 long months with co-workers who were even worst towards me than the old ones had been. I talked to HR about my dissatisfaction but it came to naught.
Late July through Princeton Review I heard of an opportunity to get an MBA in 1 year and have it be in London to boot! I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and jumped at it. I found my self paralyzed at recognizing that I had initiated the change. It was almost like I was in denial up until I had to turn in my two-week notice. I couldn't even bring myself to tell my family I was giving up full-time employment with benefits up until that point either. Luckily they responded positively and made me feel alright about this change.
My problem is...I feel like that self-implosion I had in college hasn't stopped. I still don't really know what I want to do. So I'll have an MBA and hopefully go on to law school and get a JD. I still don't feel like I have a direction, really (kind of weird, considering I have goals isn't it?). I feel like my main goal in life right now really is to just get away and keep away from my parents influence (my goal is to get into a law school on the other side of the country). I feel like I've lost what I used to have and I feel really bad for it. Before university I was happy with who I was and how things were. Now I rarely find myself satisfied with the way things are and always find myself looking to the next thing and the next thing instead of being satisfied. I feel lonely and long to be in a relationship (I'd love to have a boyfriend) but find myself apathetic to the idea of what most 25-year-olds do in order to gain a relationship. I'd rather not get so drunk I can't remember what I did last night, thank you. I have no idea how I'd go about meeting a guy really (aside form an online dating service) and I have hardly any friends anymore. I long to share things with people (I'd love to have someone to watch TV with) yet resist being around other people (If I hear someone's in the kitchen of the flat I will avoid leaving my room). Does that make any sense?
I guess what I'm wondering is does this relate more to being an ISTJ who's 'gone wrong' or is it something more like a quarter life crisis? Does it really matter? Sometimes I wonder if any of this matters because these little 'traumas' in life won't mean anything 100 years from now. Any advice? Anyone else gone through this? Thank you if you've made it reading this far.
Oh...and I apologize for the ranting tone of this post. This is something that's just been eating me for a long long time and it feels good to write it all down in one place. I feel like such a bad person for feeling this things sometimes and I don't like it.