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  1. #1
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Default ISFJ Males- Your Experiences?

    I have a guy friend who is an ISFJ. We've worked together closely for the last 2 years or so, and as a result have become pretty tight, to the point now where I treat him like a brother. Now mind you, I'm one of 11 and I grew up with tough love- not abuse, but the kind of relationship where I'll crack a joke on you before I say "I love you".

    Well this guy, despite him being one of 5, and actually spent some time involved in street pharmaceuticals, says "I love you man".....dude had me like . I NEVER had another dude say that to me! I didn't reply and don't you know he was hurt over that!! He told me later that he was actually considering not dealing with me anymore over that.

    Well after that it has been more hurt feelings from time to time due to my wisecracking. Sometimes I feel that I'll say or do something that will put him over and he'll kill me in some emotion filled rage. I'm not sure. But is this the normal interaction for an ISFJ male with other males who aren't so emotionally outward? I mean I'm not a harsh guy, but if I like you I will joke on you, especially if you are a guy.

    Has anybody have similar experiences?

    BTW he's not gay.

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    What does being involved with drugs have to do with your ability to tell other people you love them? Some of the hardest living people are some of the most expressive, affectionate, and loyal.

    He may take his ethics very seriously and think that you're untrustworthy or disloyal or something if you don't reciprocate outward displays of affection. This could be his Fe value system at work. I'm actually speaking from the perspective of being with my ex - who I think is eSFJ, not ISFJ. I do know from other ISFJs, though, that loyalty is something they seem to take VERY SERIOUSLY.

  3. #3
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    What does being involved with drugs have to do with your ability to tell other people you love them? Some of the hardest living people are some of the most expressive, affectionate, and loyal.

    He may take his ethics very seriously and think that you're untrustworthy or disloyal or something if you don't reciprocate outward displays of affection. This could be his Fe value system at work. I'm actually speaking from the perspective of being with my ex - who I think is eSFJ, not ISFJ. I do know from other ISFJs, though, that loyalty is something they seem to take VERY SERIOUSLY.
    I don't know any street dudes who are expressive and affectionate...I mean, maybe they are with their girls, but for the most part, in front of other guys they aren't the touch feely type.

    He is loyal. No doubt about that. And he knows that I wouldn't do anything purposefully to hurt his feelings- I'd give him the shirt off my back! I find it interesting at the same time frustrating at times. It makes me wonder how they get along in circles where guys horse around like that on a more frequent basis- like on a sports team. Do they get offended, or do they learn to accept that kind of horseplay?

    This can't be a F male thing, or an FJ thing. I know an ENFJ who's pretty tough emotionally, and can roll with the best of them.

  4. #4
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Hmm... I think it's just him. My brother is the same way, he can't handle wise-cracking. Myself, I used to be that way but after working in a close environment with a lot of guys from various backgrounds for long periods of time over many many years, I've learned all the various and silly "male bonding" things that go on and as such when someone digs on me, I roll with it and rarely ever get offended.

    The only times I do is when the digs are really personal. Then I'll get hurt and shut out/avoid the people who hurt me. This doesn't happen though as people actually don't pick on me and when they do, they don't do it for very long. I would surmise that this is because I roll with the punches instead of retaliating back and as such I tend to take some of the fun out of it
    "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it."
    ― Woodrow Wilson

  5. #5
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    My first impression is whether this is an ESFJ dude rather than an ISFJ dude. I don't know many male ISFJs that would show their affection in such an open day, even if I'm close to them, regardless of their genders. Course, upbringing and age might have an influence on all this.

    I do however get hurt easily over issues dealing with friendship, loyalty and trust since I place so much value on them. A friend once told me that they didn't trust me (We had only known each other for a less than a week), and even though it was logical and obvious. That statement did have a HUGE impact on me... to the extent it made me question how close I could be with this friend.

    Silence to his statement wasn't a really good move, since it'd just make him feel really awkward about it once he realises what he's said, followed by the examination of "Wait, how does he feel about the friendship?". Now, I'm not saying this will definitely work, but you could have easily just joked back with something like "Thanks, but I'm not into that/I hate you really." especially if you usually have joking style communication. It's the sort of dynamic I have with my eSFJ cousin. Granted, he's not under influence so can pick up the fact that I'm just being sarcastic.

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    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tinker683 View Post
    Hmm... I think it's just him. My brother is the same way, he can't handle wise-cracking. Myself, I used to be that way but after working in a close environment with a lot of guys from various backgrounds for long periods of time over many many years, I've learned all the various and silly "male bonding" things that go on and as such when someone digs on me, I roll with it and rarely ever get offended.

    The only times I do is when the digs are really personal. Then I'll get hurt and shut out/avoid the people who hurt me. This doesn't happen though as people actually don't pick on me and when they do, they don't do it for very long. I would surmise that this is because I roll with the punches instead of retaliating back and as such I tend to take some of the fun out of it

    What's 'really personal' is a very subjective thing- and this is the first guy friend I've had this kind of encounter.

  7. #7
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    My first impression is whether this is an ESFJ dude rather than an ISFJ dude. I don't know many male ISFJs that would show their affection in such an open day, even if I'm close to them, regardless of their genders. Course, upbringing and age might have an influence on all this.

    I do however get hurt easily over issues dealing with friendship, loyalty and trust since I place so much value on them. A friend once told me that they didn't trust me (We had only known each other for a less than a week), and even though it was logical and obvious. That statement did have a HUGE impact on me... to the extent it made me question how close I could be with this friend.

    Silence to his statement wasn't a really good move, since it'd just make him feel really awkward about it once he realises what he's said, followed by the examination of "Wait, how does he feel about the friendship?". Now, I'm not saying this will definitely work, but you could have easily just joked back with something like "Thanks, but I'm not into that/I hate you really." especially if you usually have joking style communication. It's the sort of dynamic I have with my eSFJ cousin. Granted, he's not under influence so can pick up the fact that I'm just being sarcastic.
    He's definitely ISFJ- Si dominant. I think what I find so interesting is that he and I are so much alike due to our both being Si dominant- but he's the type of SJ that is very sure of his memory,almost too sure. He is quick to criticize other's work, but the moment he messes up, he's ready to go to confession. He's an electrician, and he works along with a general contractor. I had them do some work. He's very punctual- if you say be there by 8am, he's there by 8am, and expects his partner to be there. His partner's a little more relaxed when it comes to the clock, and he'll get pissed if the guy shows up 15 minutes late. He's quick to shoot blame. I try to help the guy to recognize these traits in himself- he feels I'm coming down on him. I tell him the reason I can make those calls on his behavior is because I've acted similarly (still do sometimes) but me recognizing my own tendencies helped me to not be so hard on others, because I'll end up turning those high standards on myself. I try to help him recognize why he acts that way- he refuses to believe that 4 letters could describe him.


    Like you- words do a lot of damage to him. But he aggrivates it by taking these weak shots at me. So when I fire back he gets all about it.

    I don't have a problem with his sensitivity- but I hope he doesn't feel we can't be friends over nonsense.

  8. #8
    Senior Member tinker683's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    What's 'really personal' is a very subjective thing- and this is the first guy friend I've had this kind of encounter.
    You're correct and I apologize for not elaborating on this further. When I say "really personal" I usually mean:

    1) Things regarding my feelings toward a particular woman I'm interested in.
    2) Problems within the family that socially would be considered 'private'. The exception to this is I start jokes or ripping on it first, then have it.
    3) Things that this friend knows that are considered deep insecurities. If he or she isn't aware of these insecurities and makes a joke about them, if it does hurt my feelings then it's my obligation to notify them that this isn't something I want to talk about. Otherwise, my friend can not be held at fault.

    Really, so long as it's light-hearted and in good taste, I can roll with it 99.99% of the time. A lot of it is just common sense stuff (For instance, don't make fun of me when my girlfriend just cheated on me, don't make fun of my brother who's dying of cancer, that sort of thing) and should just be approached that way.

    Maybe I just have a thick skin, I dunno.
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  9. #9
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    He likes you! I guess we're naturally sensitive. I recommend telling him that you don't mean any harm or whatever.

  10. #10
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    He likes you! I guess we're naturally sensitive. I recommend telling him that you don't mean any harm or whatever.
    Yeah I tell him this, but sometimes his reactions make me worry. I mean, I don't want to dp some kind of permanent damage or anything.

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