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  1. #1
    your resident asshole
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    Default How to become a better SJ

    As many of you may or may not know, I consider myself to be an ISFJ. I won't go into great detail of why but I will say that I see myself using a lot of Si and Fe (though not displayed obviously). My issue is that I don't LIKE having these functions. They manifest themselves in very negative ways inside myself. Si is used in flashbacks of past mistakes I have made that make me angry at myself when I remember them. Negative Fe has nearly taken over my life. I care too much of how I am viewed by others. No matter how I try to convince myself not to, I still care greatly. This results in fear and myself avoiding people (I have no social life) and even the places that I go to. (I rarely use Fe for displaying affection for others btw)

    This started several years ago... and I will say that my negative Fe has improved itself a little. I used to get very anxious in social situations and I somehow convinced myself to stay calm during these. But now I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I'm not sure where to go from here.

    I realize it's a stretch, but I was wondering if any of you guys knew how to turn this negativity into positivity. :/ Any advice is appreciated.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Awww, bless. I haven't enjoyed being an ESFJ for the last year and have tried fighting it for the most part. Fe infuriates me although i see it in others and like it. I don't want to be placed in a box .. I want people to see the varying degrees of what i posess. I've stopped caring. However when someone told me i was using Ne/Ti (YES) i get a silent buzz from it.

    Regarding past mistakes, lol and i've made a few .. I have learned to laugh it off, i am not perfect and have never proclaimed to be. I am entitled to makes mistakes/fuck-ups and i think as long as i can learn/grow from it then it wasn't a total waste. You're being far to hard on yourself.

    Caring what others think .. A recent realisation i have come too. I have cared far to much, listened to others words and used them to shape who i am, but that person is not me. It's their ideal of who i am supposed to be. I need to go back to basics to find out how i tick .. Maybe even compile a bloody list once and for all.

    You know the answers you are looking for, you're hoping for some validation but it has to come from within. Where does this negativity stem from? You have to be very honest with yourself.

    That is exactly what i had to do .. and it fucking hurt like hell. What helped me this time round was that at the root of the problem, i was young, naive, gullible .. Looking at the issues again with 31 year old eyes, really helped me decide if i needed to hold onto this image/thought/experience or not.

    Hope i helped Have a hug.
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  3. #3
    Senior Member Chaotic Harmony's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    Si is used in flashbacks of past mistakes I have made that make me angry at myself when I remember them.
    I can relate to this... Except, I don't get the anger feeling. I get the ashamed feeling. The only way I came to terms with my past is to realize that my past is what has shaped me into what I am today. And no matter what I do, I cannot change the mistakes I made in the past... And had I not made them, I may not be the person I am today...

    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    Negative Fe has nearly taken over my life. I care too much of how I am viewed by others. No matter how I try to convince myself not to, I still care greatly. This results in fear and myself avoiding people (I have no social life) and even the places that I go to. (I rarely use Fe for displaying affection for others btw)
    I am an extrovert and I'm still this way. I'm very uncomfortable in social settings initially. I'm always questioning what people are thinking about when they see me and talk to me... The best advice I can give is to just pay attention to cues... Are people looking at you when you are speaking? Are they making an effort to actually carry on a conversation? If yes, then you probably don't need to worry about how they view you. And I'm not an affectionate person either...I never have been much of a hugger or anything like that.

    Overall, best advice I can provide is to work on accepting your past mistakes. Don't let them run your entire life. I still get upset when I look back on my DUI. I'm ashamed by it and can't believe it happened to me. That was in 2005... Here it is 2010 and I still get upset over it... However, I view it as my wakeup call now... I wasn't hanging around good people, after my DUI I got away from that group of friends... I was drinking and partying more than I really wanted to, after my DUI I maybe went out once a month instead of every Friday and Saturday. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have been able to walk away from all that if I hadn't gotten my DUI.

  4. #4
    L'anima non dimora Donna Cecilia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    I realize it's a stretch, but I was wondering if any of you guys knew how to turn this negativity into positivity. :/ Any advice is appreciated.
    The only thing that has worked for me was learning to accept me as I am, and use what makes me stand out from the rest as my strengths, instead of something "negative" that needs fixing. For example, my Si also brings me memories of past mistakes, but, instead of punishing myself for that, I use that flashbacks to prevent myself from repeating those mistakes, to "learn my lessons".

    Try to embrace the positive aspects of the functions you don´t like, instead of struggling against your own self. It can be hard, but, in the end, it will save both your mental and emotional health.

    "An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
    Victor Hugo



    LII/INTj (Analyst) - 1w9 Sp/Sx - RC|O|EI - Melancholy/Choleric

  5. #5
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Judging by the presentation of the first post and the tone, I'd venture to guess that you're not an SJ. A natural SJ wouldn't have their functions to such a negative extreme. Going by the description of how you "use Si" and "use Fe" negatively, that sounds more like an unhealthy version of the functions in a different type. This could also just be attributed to regular everyday psychological functions used in behavior involving yourself and others. I'm talking about regular human behavior outside of type.

    I'm an ISTJ, but at times I think I care too much what others think. I've been working on that since I was in elementary school. By high school, it was 75% gone, but some is still there. It's mostly in being ashamed in public of being interested in childish tv shows, toys, games, etc, or by ways I dress or anything, or anything. I make irrational assumptions of what other people are thinking about me, which you COULD say is unhealthy Ni.

    I would suggest trying to find out why you have so much inner turmoil that is causing this. These things don't happen naturally. A person in a healthy environment doesn't develop these tendencies. It's an outside force that has affected the way you think, directly or indirectly. You could venture to say I have unhealthy Te, but I really don't care. My life, experiences and personal interests have molded my Te how it is, to view the world in a logical, skeptical, morally gray manner.


  6. #6
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DisneyGeek View Post
    As many of you may or may not know, I consider myself to be an ISFJ. I won't go into great detail of why but I will say that I see myself using a lot of Si and Fe (though not displayed obviously). My issue is that I don't LIKE having these functions. They manifest themselves in very negative ways inside myself. Si is used in flashbacks of past mistakes I have made that make me angry at myself when I remember them. Negative Fe has nearly taken over my life. I care too much of how I am viewed by others. No matter how I try to convince myself not to, I still care greatly. This results in fear and myself avoiding people (I have no social life) and even the places that I go to. (I rarely use Fe for displaying affection for others btw)

    This started several years ago... and I will say that my negative Fe has improved itself a little. I used to get very anxious in social situations and I somehow convinced myself to stay calm during these. But now I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I'm not sure where to go from here.

    I realize it's a stretch, but I was wondering if any of you guys knew how to turn this negativity into positivity. :/ Any advice is appreciated.
    I have insecurities too with my functions. How to turn them positive? Look at and focus on the positive rather than the negative. It's kind of a choice you make. Every function, every event and every person has both positive and negative aspects to take away from them. That's just a fact of life. You don't do yourself any favors by only focusing on the negative. I know this is habit though (been there). it helps me to have really understanding and supportive people around me to correct me if I go there and help me break the habit. It takes time and you have to be persistent.

    Jeez, I hope I just made some sort of sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    Judging by the presentation of the first post and the tone, I'd venture to guess that you're not an SJ. A natural SJ wouldn't have their functions to such a negative extreme.
    Why? What type do you think she is? I take her word for her type.

  7. #7
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post


    Why? What type do you think she is? I take her word for her type.
    I don't take word for someone's type. I'm not making allegations that I can figure out someone's type better than them, but just because you take the test(s) and/or gain a basic knowledge of typology doesn't necessarily mean that you can figure out what your type is. Your type is masked by several things on the surface and below. Your experiences, good/bad life experiences, traumatic experiences, illnesses, upbringing, responsibilities all can play a part in who you become as an adult. This in turn affects how you use your type's preferences and weaknesses.

    I don't know enough about her just from the first post, but things such as reminding yourself of past mistakes and social anxiety are not restricted to type. Any psychologist will tell you that. Si is a stability function. It acts to reference previous methods used in the past to aid in the present. Fe is a structured interpersonal function. It works to relate the user to the external social and interpersonal demands. You could say the issues she has could relate to those, but they're problems that can exist in anyone.

    For fixing the problem, it's more about introspection. Past mistakes seem to haunt you. Why? You're in control of yourself. Remind yourself of it. This problem stems from a lack of self-confidence. Believe in your actions. It doesn't happen overnight. When past mistake comes up in your mind, stop and actually think about it. What happened then? What went wrong? Come back into the present. Look at what you're being asked. How do you feel about yourself doing it? What's different between now and then to give you an advantage?

    It's the same thing with the social anxiety. You have to find out why other people cause such fear and isolation. What are you thinking about? Is what you're thinking really practical? If you're into reading for this stuff, I'd say check out Feeling Good by David Burns. I had it suggested by a therapist. It has GREAT insight into social issues.


  8. #8
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    I have the same problem with unwanted memories. Many times I find myself haunted by my past. The only thing I do about this is make sure those mistakes never happen again, by looking for situational patterns and reacting with what I think is a better behavior. A "lessons learned" approach is a huge part of me.

    To a certain extent I really want people to like me. However, after meeting people, most of them disappoint me. When I realize someone doesn't like me or looks down on me in some way, I find I don't care. Anticipation is strong but there's usually an anti-climax when I find out what others think.
    Johari Nohari

    "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. "--Niccolo Machiavelli

  9. #9
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    I think this is a rather common behaviour in SJs. Rather than thinking of it as negatiIve Fe/Si. It's essentially perfectionism in play. It's common in Enneagram 6's who constantly doubt their own actions about whether they did the right thing or not and I'd imagine Enneagram 1s suffer from it a little as well with their desire to do the right thing.

    The others have given the solution: Acceptance of self.
    Easier said than done though... =.=

  10. #10
    your resident asshole
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    Soo many responses. o.O I've been a little busy lately and I didn't expect so many of these. :P

    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    ...
    Where does my negativity stem from? Well, I'm not sure right now. Guess the answer can only come from more introspection. Thanks for the kind words.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kymbirleigh View Post
    ...
    Gahh. I hate accepting myself for who I am because it's not GOOD enough. D:< But I suppose I have done it already in ways... that's why I'm a little more comfortable with myself than I have been before. I guess all of that just comes with time, realization, and introspection, huh? Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Donna Cecilia View Post
    ...
    Mmm... again with accepting myself. *sigh* I guess I'll make it happen one day... :P

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    ...
    True... and that's why I don't really know what my type is. I've made numerous threads and looked at numerous functions, and I still can't place which one feels right. But you never know... it could just be me... Meh. I'm not really into figuring out my "one true type" anymore. Actually, at the moment I'm into making paper models.

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    ...
    Yeah, half empty, half full. It seems like when you're in a negative mood, it's really hard to get out of it though. ATM, I am quite happy.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    ...
    Good point. I don't think I have social anxiety though... I'm actually quite calm whenever I'm speaking to people, but I did used to have issues with this (managed to fix myself ). I'm more of an avoider though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Take Five View Post
    ...
    See... the past mistakes aren't really things I could take lessons out of. I suppose "think before you speak" could be one of mine, but most of the things I think about are trivial things. I use my "negative Fe" a lot more than my "negative Si."

    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post
    ...
    I've never really thought of it as perfectionism before, especially since I'm not a very organized person to begin with. Also, I have two extremely perfectionist brothers and I am nothing like them (I also have a third brother, but he's more like me). I suppose I might be a perfectionist, but I certainly don't express it outwardly very much.


    I realize my responses are kind of short, but I usually don't have a lot to say. So thanks for the responses!

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