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  1. #1
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    Question ESTJ and ESFJ Relationship

    Hi everyone...

    I am an ESTJ and my husband is an ESFJ, we're also both Capricorns. We have a lot in common and make a really good team, but I have noticed that we do butt heads, and it's been pretty often lately. Despite the similarities, the differences that we do have can get very challenging, almost to a point where I don't know what to do to make him happy. The "feeler" in him seems to be the biggest factor in our personality traits. It's like we don't understand each other's needs. I have recognized that I need to praise him often and need to bite my tongue. When we talk about issues (and it can be minor issues, like cleaning or something), if I don't agree with him, he thinks I am causing conflict and he feels attacked.

    Anyone here have this type of relationship and/or can offer any insight? Anyone an ESFJ who can tell me what you expect from us? Thanks so much!

  2. #2
    Probably Most Brilliant Craft's Avatar
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    Supposedly, your this:

    Te - Contingency planning, scheduling, and quantifying utilize the process of extraverted Thinking. Extraverted Thinking helps us organize our environment and ideas through charts, tables, graphs, flow charts, outlines, and so on. At its most sophisticated, this process is about organizing and monitoring people and things to work efficiently and productively. Empirical thinking is at the core of extraverted Thinking when we challenge someone’s ideas based on the logic of the facts in front of us or lay out reasonable explanations for decisions or conclusions made, often trying to establish order in someone else’s thought process. In written or verbal communication, extraverted Thinking helps us easily follow someone else’s logic, sequence, or organization. It also helps us notice when something is missing, like when someone says he or she is going to talk about four topics and talks about only three. In general, it allows us to compartmentalize many aspects of our lives so we can do what is necessary to accomplish our objectives.

    So try to deal with this:

    Fe - The process of extraverted Feeling often involves a desire to connect with (or disconnect from) others and is often evidenced by expressions of warmth (or displeasure) and self-disclosure. The “social graces,” such as being polite, being nice, being friendly, being considerate, and being appropriate, often revolve around the process of extraverted Feeling. Keeping in touch, laughing at jokes when others laugh, and trying to get people to act kindly to each other also involve extraverted Feeling. Using this process, we respond according to expressed or even unexpressed wants and needs of others. We may ask people what they want or need or self-disclose to prompt them to talk more about themselves. This often sparks conversation and lets us know more about them so we can better adjust our behavior to them. Often with this process, we feel pulled to be responsible and take care of others’ feelings, sometimes to the point of not separating our feelings from theirs. We may recognize and adhere to shared values, feelings, and social norms to get along.

  3. #3
    Boldly Gone Malice's Avatar
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    Interesting thread, I'll be watching how this pans out. Both my brother and my father are ESTJs, I love them - sure. But they drive me up the bloody wall.

    Things I've noticed about our relationships:

    - My father must always be in control. He has to dictate everything. He's got his entire day plotted out on a piece of paper, what tasks are to be done and when.
    - My brother follows an inward routine, every day is virtually the same. He doesn't dictate, but he is stubborn as hell and will only do what he wants when he wants.
    - Neither of them seem to have any respect for my personal space or things. They walk into my room when they want, my brother simply takes what he wants and I'll find my items hoarded in his bedroom [though years of bitching about this has seen some progress on the matter, they have started to get better with it. Sometimes.]
    - Both seem to feel like they come first. If something they want/need is to be done, it is to be done NOW. You ask them for something, it will have to wait until they have time.

    The only way I feel my relationship with either of these two can work is if I have to be the subservient person. The one that always says 'yes' and bows to their will. If not, conflict and even extreme conflict can arise. I don't know if it's the same for you, but chances are if you're feeling like you have to hold your tongue all the time, he is too. It's not all bleak though, I understand completely what you say about you two making a good team. Whenever the three of us agree on something, or put our minds to something we can work together really well. But do they ever understand me? It's a stretch. Good luck with your relationship. I hope you find the answers here you're looking for.
    a little less conversation, a little more action please
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Malice View Post
    Interesting thread, I'll be watching how this pans out. Both my brother and my father are ESTJs, I love them - sure. But they drive me up the bloody wall.

    Things I've noticed about our relationships:

    - My father must always be in control. He has to dictate everything. He's got his entire day plotted out on a piece of paper, what tasks are to be done and when.
    - My brother follows an inward routine, every day is virtually the same. He doesn't dictate, but he is stubborn as hell and will only do what he wants when he wants.
    - Neither of them seem to have any respect for my personal space or things. They walk into my room when they want, my brother simply takes what he wants and I'll find my items hoarded in his bedroom [though years of bitching about this has seen some progress on the matter, they have started to get better with it. Sometimes.]
    - Both seem to feel like they come first. If something they want/need is to be done, it is to be done NOW. You ask them for something, it will have to wait until they have time.

    The only way I feel my relationship with either of these two can work is if I have to be the subservient person. The one that always says 'yes' and bows to their will. If not, conflict and even extreme conflict can arise. I don't know if it's the same for you, but chances are if you're feeling like you have to hold your tongue all the time, he is too. It's not all bleak though, I understand completely what you say about you two making a good team. Whenever the three of us agree on something, or put our minds to something we can work together really well. But do they ever understand me? It's a stretch. Good luck with your relationship. I hope you find the answers here you're looking for.
    Malice, that's very interesting...

    Regarding what you've noticed about the ESTJs in your life you said:

    - My father must always be in control. He has to dictate everything. He's got his entire day plotted out on a piece of paper, what tasks are to be done and when.

    Funny.. I do have my day planned out. haha My "things to do" for the most part are in my calendar, on my BlackBerry and the one at work. When I make plans with my husband, he tends to always run late and the plans get kinda screwy which irks me. So I'm trying to learn how to be more the "go with the flow" type.

    - My brother follows an inward routine, every day is virtually the same. He doesn't dictate, but he is stubborn as hell and will only do what he wants when he wants.

    Yes, I am pretty stubborn and don't like to be told what to do (most of the time) unless it makes sense, then I'm fine with it. Are ESFJ's somewhat controlling too? I find myself having to tell him "whatever you say" just to make peace.

    - Neither of them seem to have any respect for my personal space or things. They walk into my room when they want, my brother simply takes what he wants and I'll find my items hoarded in his bedroom [though years of bitching about this has seen some progress on the matter, they have started to get better with it. Sometimes.]

    The husband sometimes feels that I don't care about his stuff at our home. He tends to leave papers, mail, clothes, junk lying around everywhere. So to organize, I toss alot of stuff that appears to be trash and throw things in the laundry. Unfortunately, some of his stuff which he considered important didn't seem like it because it looked like trash. Again, I'm trying to be more careful about this.

    - Both seem to feel like they come first. If something they want/need is to be done, it is to be done NOW. You ask them for something, it will have to wait until they have time.

    This is quite true. I do want to see results fast, but more so with my husband and people close to me. I'm more easy going with newer friends or acquaintances, etc. I guess I have more expectations from people closest to me. He has told me that I'm "selfish" although I didn't notice right away. I'm also the youngest child in my family and maybe I've gotten used to getting what I want. That's another issue there. haha But, having said all that, I am making a very conscious effort in putting other people's needs first and not getting upset if I don't get results as quickly as I want.

    Bottom line is, us ESTJs, or at least me anyway, do have good intentions. We can get somewhat anal about things - wanting them to be done a certain way and get annoyed when they're not. It's almost like, I want everything to be in order so I can just lay back and chill. Ya know?

    Well, thanks! Looks like I have to read up more about you ESTFs.

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