[MBTI General] ISTJ leaves ENTJ heartbroken

[Salt n' pepper]

huh.. was that addressed to moi? not sure what you mean. I was trying to be ironically funny. Because I *did* think of what slowriot posted - but being obessed with somebody will make you do some pretty stupid things.

That wasn't addressed to you!

Someone hijacked your thread to post links of where to buy wedding dresses or something!!

Someone must have removed the post. It was right above mine.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

huh.. was that addressed to moi? not sure what you mean. I was trying to be ironically funny. Because I *did* think of what slowriot posted - but being obessed with somebody will make you do some pretty stupid things.

No, this was addressed to the wedding troll.

Another advice, don´t take everything personally.

 

[bcubchgo]

oh, ok. no biggie...

yet another instance where missing information can make my imagination fly off the handle....

 

[MoneyTick]

Ok Break time is over, I'm back.

So ..Whats the deal? He's still in the back of your mind or are you over with it?

I think you need a change of landscape - find someone else, someone that truly cares and is worthy of receiving your flowery letters and affection. The dope you previously dated has serious issues and needs to patch his ego before it leaks out on people like it did to you. Just like job interviews - one candidate has really good +'s but yet severe flaws. So you move on to the next candidate, weigh the +'s with the -'s and obviously its could be a better match than prior one.

So, like I always say - the past is written in stone, if your trying to rewirite over stone engravements I wish you the best luck.

But you can move forward, advance in life, find true happiness with a better person - and forget the past, its stone - its made to weigh you down not lift you up.

The best revenge is no revenge - It just shows the other person that their attempt to hurt you was sabatoged.

If you stop caring, he'll wonder "hey, wtf? didn't you just love me?" You'll say "nope, I just traded it for someone better than a dope like you"

Then he'll wonder - "wow, she's happy with someone else, she doesn't care, I realize she's a good person and now I'm the looser"

Love is a mind game, learn to play the game.

 

[bcubchgo]

welcome back to the quality control department!

am I over it? moving closer to that direction. everybody's tough love is helping but - real obsession is not just a calvin klein fragrance, you know. it is very hard to explain and justify in rational terms. If it was just that easy to snap your fingers and wake up in Kansas I probably would have done it already by myself.

besides, how else am I supposed up to uphold my ENTJ nature of being pushy and controlling unless I am steadfastly resistant to letting the impossible dream die!

In this particular case, I don't believe in revenge or mind games, but I do understand where you are coming from because I've reacted like that to another situation a long time ago. I would not want to actually hurt somebody that I still have these kinds of feelings for at this point in my life. He realized that I was hurt by him pushing me away. Even though he snapped at me - his last message to me said things like "Thanks for taking the time to write me a thoughtful message." "My heart is heavy." and "I wish you a wonderful life." I don't think he would have written that if he wasn't sorry about his decision in some way. It will always remain a mystery to me what really transpired inside of him.

Ok, I'm going to go distract myself now. Enough chiseling away at my faulty internal motivations. I've got stuff to accomplish....

 

[Venom]

I feel very dumb for posting this... Especially as an ENTJ.

An ISTJ broke my heart by severing with me in March after a three month courting period and I'm still trying to get over it.

It all seemed so dreamy at first. I was talking and he was listening. He seemed like a strong and silent type that would be able to balance my inner emotions. within three weeks of meeting he actually said he thought I was relationship material. He said that I was "one of two people he could see himself in a relationship with."

then, I took that as an initiative to pursue him more heavily. I called and texted frequently. He responded frequently. I kept talking and I thought he was listening.

Then, something happened. Around month 2.5 he started to get distant. He clammed up and started to get negative with me. It's as if he purposely was pushing me away. I gave him some space to see what would happen.

Then I get an email saying "you can ignore me. The choice is up to you. It is your loss" to which I responded.. "i was just giving you some space... "

Then the proverbial crap hit the fan.... A couple of conversations later and he was really distant. I asked him if something was wrong. He said no. Then during one conversation he said I was bitter and jaded.

Then I made a fatal mistake. I told him that if he thought I was bitter that he should probably find someone else. I secretly thought he might respond by telling me he wanted me and was sorry.... But instead he said that he was "hoping I would respond that way because I was coming on too strongly and he did not feel any attraction for me anymore."

That was harsh. I tried to appeal to him by writing him a very flowery letter telling him how special I thought he was and how I cared for him and felt a nurturing bond with him. I wanted to communicate with him but I wondered why he was so uncommunicative and also perhaps a little angry sometimes. I made it clear that I had feelings but he told me to have a nice life.

It has been a few months and I still cry over him. I wonder how someone can be so unflinching, perhaps even a bit callous when someone tells them how special they are. I am unable to fully move on. I stupidly sent him more messages afterwards trying to get him to realize how valuable I thought he was to me and how we could teach each other to grow. Each one expressed my feelings clearly and eagerly. Stony silence was the response.

ISTJ's, it hurts a lot when you don't realize the way you manipulate people's emotions by being so standoffish. Just remember that it takes two to tango and when you don't learn to step in tandem that the choreography falls flat. Retracting your feelings for people is worse than never initializing them. Taking a peek beyond your own world view is not really as scary as you think... It might actually benefit you in the end.

Are you sure you aren't ENFJ? Your story has similar painful overlaps with the flings I've had before... Basically it comes down to this:

<> If they are "into it" for a bit, and then just disappear --> they never took it seriously to begin with (its sad I know ...it took me a few of these to understand). In fact, his "you're one of two people I could see...." was possibly just 'qualifying you' and not actually meaning he wanted a relationship.

<> Its about buying temperature. He was probably a little interested in the beginning, but you were more interested, and so flattered he was, he played along with you. Eventually he realizes, "I cant keep doing this" and basically disappears because he is not in a mindset to have a "talk" (remember, he never wanted a relationship in the first place).

<> In the future, be on the look out for people who have a similar "buying temperature" you do.

 

[MoneyTick]

This is confusing me, why do relationships have to be so complicated?

I need another cigarette break.

 

[mrcockburn]

I feel very dumb for posting this... Especially as an ENTJ.

An ISTJ broke my heart by severing with me in March after a three month courting period and I'm still trying to get over it.

It all seemed so dreamy at first. I was talking and he was listening. He seemed like a strong and silent type that would be able to balance my inner emotions. within three weeks of meeting he actually said he thought I was relationship material. He said that I was "one of two people he could see himself in a relationship with."

The end.

 

[MoneyTick]

**** Applause *****

*** On My Cigarette break****

 

[Saslou]

Not very helpful but my best friend who's an ENTJ is heart broken from an ISxx.

He tries to hide his feelings but it's evidently clear he is trying to work it out in his mind. We've talked about it and it seems like he's fighting 2 sides of his personality .. This strong tough love Vs a more sensitive caring side .. Bless him.

He got his heart broken at 16 and left it 7 years before having another relationship with the ISxx above. He was with this girl for 2-3 years, he took her to Egypt and Paris. He even made an album (well 2, for her and him) after they split of all the pictures (paid £80 for copies of pics) they had taken together, inscriptions of famous poems, his own personal thoughts on her etc .. It was truly moving not only could he write something to touching but he was willing to share to with me.

I've told him so many times to move on, find happiness elsewhere but for the time being .. His answer's in the bottom of a bottle (he is also at uni now). He is such a stubborn bugger that he won't listen to reason. e knows where i am though if he wants to talk about feelings etc.

When some relationships end they feel like a gentle breeze, at other times they knock us for 7 .. Just give yourself some time, compassion and eat chocolate

 

[Snow Turtle]

You are right. I was.

That kind of behaviour enters in the category of mind games for me.

If somebody is offended because of something that I have said or done, I´d rather have that person telling me so, instead of changing his attitude towards me and (trying to) force me into figuring out what was wrong there. I appreciate sincere communication, and see it as a key element to make a relationship work.

It'd also be mind games on his behalf for acting distant and then childishly sending an e-mail 'If you are going to ignore me. Your loss.' when he should have discussed it with her in the first place. It makes no logical sense to not address it, and the delivery was just inappropriate.

Normally I don't dispense this opinion, but it really does sound like this person was just trying to break up in the first place but did not have the guts to do so himself. "hoping I would respond that way?" - What kind of response is that? It almost sounds as if he was waiting for you to say: Break up with me before he could proceed to do so.

If what's been writing is true. You really didn't deserve that treatment at all. I don't even think it's type-related. He was just extremely insensitive.

 

[Salomé]

Good God, who knew ENTJs were so needy?

ISTJ's, it hurts a lot when you don't realize the way you manipulate people's emotions by being so standoffish. Just remember that it takes two to tango and when you don't learn to step in tandem that the choreography falls flat. Retracting your feelings for people is worse than never initializing them. Taking a peek beyond your own world view is not really as scary as you think... It might actually benefit you in the end.

Why are you lecturing ISTJs? It was ONE ISTJ who broke your heart. In fact, even that isn't true - you broke your own heart by idealizing someone and expecting him to plug the gap in your life. You smothered him, then you panicked when he withdrew, then you tried to manipulate him into chasing you. Which part of this wasn't bound to fail?

Taking it out on ISTJs won't help you to fix what's wrong with your approach. You were clearly incompatible, so it was never going to work out. But you can learn from this by reading the signs and learning what not to do. You won't do that till you stop blaming him/ISTJs though.

 

[mrcockburn]

Good God, who knew ENTJs were so needy?

I did. I nearly had to get a restraining order on one.