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  1. #1
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    Default ESFJ ending relationship drastically???

    So I read in "Just your type" that if you wrong an ESFJ, they can take drastic action and end the relationship without even looking back. This happened with me and the person who proposed to me just two weeks ago. Bc we were texting instead of talking on the phone (LDR), he misunderstood something I said and because he is under alot of stress (watching his mom die of cancer) he had no trouble to just fault find and be critical and say, "I guess this wasnt meant to be". I was like...Ah, who the hell are you and what did you do with my loving super calm and compassionate man that I was going to marry next week???

    The book also says that the ESFJ really just wants to find a mate who TRULY understands these emotional outbursts and illogical decisions that they make in haste only to later regret.

    What could I do or say to make things better? After they have drastically ended one of these relationships, is there a chance they realize they were wrong and can forgive? HELP!!!!

  2. #2
    Boldly Gone Malice's Avatar
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    Honestly, I'm not sure there's much you can do. And I know that's not the answer you want to hear.

    When I feel wronged in a relationship, I too find it alarmingly easy to drop everything and go. It's like curtains close infront of my emotions and I shut off completely. And there has been times, though I'm ashamed to admit it, where I've left them standing in the cold quite literally. They've come over to apologize and I've already had their things packed and waiting at the door. It's harsh, some may say it's wrong, but it's how I protect myself. I don't know him, I don't know if he's the same, but you should be prepared that it might be. So tread slowly, cautiously, and be genuine with your words and gestures.

    You could try and talk to him after a few days, give him some time to mull things over in his own space, obviously he is going through a tough time. Then approach him in a non-smothering manner, explaining your point of view and how it was a miscommunication. But don't expect anything back.

    Good Luck.
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  3. #3
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    Thanks for your honesty. I know this is how ESFJs respond to extreme stress. I let him know that when things have quieted down (after his mom passes which would probably be anytime in Aug, sad to say) and he has missed me lots, to please call because I will let him back into my heart without a word. I will pepare myself however for worse case scenario. I really should be looking for an INFJ, my most natural mate. This guy was the first F" I fell in love with and it was quite refreshing after TJs. So if he keeps his temperament, I will be ok and find me an INFJ, cute and in his late 30's pleeeeezzzz.

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    Senior Member Chaotic Harmony's Avatar
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    Yeah.... I've done that a time or two.... And when I drop someone for wronging me, a lot of times I won't ever acknowledge them again. I've cold shouldered many people in the past when I've seen them out. However... If I felt wronged, but was given some time to cool off and think things through, I have been known to come around and say "Hey, I was just really stressed, I'm sorry I took what you said so personally." By that point though, it's really a matter of talking over whether my mood swings are something they would be able to handle.... I hit my fiance with a barrage of questions about my mood swings (for lack of better words), and he said he understood and would be able to handle it. So far, he's been quite the trooper about it and has been completely understanding. Because of that, any time I have snapped at him, a couple of hours later I've apologized and he was fine.

    I'd say give it a few days and just contact him to see how he's doing. He may have calmed down by then and might even apologize because he realized he did it out of stress.

  5. #5
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by enfpminilover View Post
    The book also says that the ESFJ really just wants to find a mate who TRULY understands these emotional outbursts and illogical decisions that they make in haste only to later regret.
    Yes, he'll calm down and probably be sorry and come back, but it does sound like something that he thinks is wrong was/is building up. I don't know what it is but it doesn't sound good and I'm betting it will come up again, even if he feels embarrassed about his emotional outbursts. Try to talk about it and resolve it.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Saslou's Avatar
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    Lol .. I've never dropped someone for wronging me. I have backed off when my feelings are hurt but i come back.

    I've ended a relationship as it had no where else to go. I've had to walk away from a relationship but i had no choice in that matter.

    When stressed i do explode but i calm down quickly and work towards getting back in that happy place.

    I am sorry to hear of your predicament. I don't know what to suggest but i hope you find peace and forgiveness in your heart
    “I made you take time to look at what I saw and when you took time to really notice my flower, you hung all your associations with flowers on my flower and you write about my flower as if I think and see what you think and see—and I don't.”
    ― Georgia O'Keeffe

  7. #7
    Member ameeker's Avatar
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    My ESFJ ex was always like, "We'll always be friends even when we're not together romantically." And when we broke up it was all crickets.

  8. #8
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    Default ESFJ moves on fast! If they feel you are a bad person.

    Quote Originally Posted by enfpminilover View Post
    Thanks for your honesty. I know this is how ESFJs respond to extreme stress. I let him know that when things have quieted down (after his mom passes which would probably be anytime in Aug, sad to say) and he has missed me lots, to please call because I will let him back into my heart without a word. I will pepare myself however for worse case scenario. I really should be looking for an INFJ, my most natural mate. This guy was the first F" I fell in love with and it was quite refreshing after TJs. So if he keeps his temperament, I will be ok and find me an INFJ, cute and in his late 30's pleeeeezzzz.


    We have been off/on for 7 months. Typically we were off for a max of a few days or hours. This time we broke up for good. A week after we broke up, he heard horrible things about my past. I never got a chance to explain my past. Our break up escalated to no contact, meanest, hate, and that's not the worst. He started telling everyone about my past and he stared a smear campaign on my reputation. It was awful. I wanted to reach out to him and explain my past actions but he moved on so fast. Literally the night we broke up, he got bank with his ex. Now they are with each other for the long term.

    I have agree with the general posts that if you wronged an ESFJ, they will blacklist you immediately. They care a lot about what other people think. He thinks he has a perfect and clean past and he dislike other people who has a questionable past whether it was dealt with or not.

    One minute, we were smitten and the next - I don't even know the guy. He became s complete stranger. He picked up and moved on fast, hard, and cold. Not fun when you are on the other end of the stick. ESFJ values their stance in the "public" and they want a woman who doesn't have a dirty background. He felt I wronged him by not telling him about it. Even if I did tell him, he wouldn't understand.
    Likes JocktheMotie liked this post

  9. #9
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    Yep that happened to me too. Crickets.

  10. #10
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    ESFJ do have extreme outburst. It was odd to me because he was such a smiley and pleasing guy, but then you make him mad and kaboooooom! He can go from zero to 100. What the heck?

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