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  1. #1
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    Default Help me (INFJ) understand my ISTJ boyfriend

    I've been dating my ISTJ boyfriend for just under 2 years now, and I think we've gotten to the point where it's becoming crucial for us to be able to understand and read each other. As in, it's serious and not just-for-kicks anymore. But I can't for the life of me understand why it's so difficult for him to grasp how I'm feeling and what things are really important to me.

    Along those lines, I'm sure there's a lot about him that I'm having a really hard time grasping, but it's difficult to be specific, as I'm paranoid that I'm reading him completely wrong.

    I'd appreciate some ISTJ advice, especially if you have ISTJ-INFJ relationship experience.

  2. #2
    Supreme Allied Commander Take Five's Avatar
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    Tell him what you feel and think directly. Personally, I hate having to try and figure out hints or cryptic communications.
    Johari Nohari

    "If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared. "--Niccolo Machiavelli

  3. #3
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    If you tell ISTJ about your feelings and what's troubling you, do expect them to find you an applicable solution to fix your emotions. Because that they will do.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  4. #4
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hybrid_rainbow View Post
    I've been dating my ISTJ boyfriend for just under 2 years now, and I think we've gotten to the point where it's becoming crucial for us to be able to understand and read each other. As in, it's serious and not just-for-kicks anymore. But I can't for the life of me understand why it's so difficult for him to grasp how I'm feeling and what things are really important to me.

    Along those lines, I'm sure there's a lot about him that I'm having a really hard time grasping, but it's difficult to be specific, as I'm paranoid that I'm reading him completely wrong.

    I'd appreciate some ISTJ advice, especially if you have ISTJ-INFJ relationship experience.
    Although I'm not an ISTJ, I can say that the xNFJs that I've known have not only had an uncanny ability to read people and "see where they're coming from", but have also expected others to have that ability too. The thing is, we don't. (ESTJs and) ISTJs aren't nearly as good at that as INFJs are, and that's really just how it is.

    But I don't have that much information about this, so I don't know how unreasonable he's been with regard to your feelings.
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



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  5. #5
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Ni Fe Ti Se

    Si Te Fi Ne


    There you go.

    I mean it's not as simple as that, but it is.

  6. #6
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    My roomate is an ISTJ, im an INFJ we have a good friendship, but he is not like me at all... we are quite opposite. We both care about one and other in our own way, but the emotional input is def one sided to my end.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  7. #7
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    My roomate is an ISTJ, im an INFJ we have a good friendship, but he is not like me at all... we are quite opposite. We both care about one and other in our own way, but the emotional input is def one sided to my end.
    Yeah it's a lot easier for most guys to get along- We don't usually get deep. Usually.

    But in a romantic relationship it's real hard.

  8. #8
    not to be trusted miss fortune's Avatar
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    they are smart and practical... be direct with what you say and expect direct answers most of the time... though not when they're in a joking mood... then you're DOOMED! :horor:

    If you complain about something the ISTJ will probably offer constructive advice on how to fix the situation... and if they ask for help organizing their DVD collection it's probably a good time to run

    They're good, dependable and probably like to be treated nicely and receiving all types of physical contact than they let you know

    I've been friends with several ISTJs and I've been with mine somewhere between a year and two years
    “Oh, we're always alright. You remember that. We happen to other people.” -Terry Pratchett

  9. #9
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    If you complain about something the ISTJ will probably offer constructive advice on how to fix the situation... and if they ask for help organizing their DVD collection it's probably a good time to run
    This is definitely true...my complaints are usually met with "well have you tried...", HOWEVER what he doesn't seem to realize is that what I'm really hoping to get is some sort of comfort and sympathy instead of functional advice (sometimes things just need to be toughed out and there isn't necessarily a fix). Even when some sort of comfort/sympathy is offered, it often times seems casual, ingenuine, or just a bit hard to believe.

  10. #10
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hybrid_rainbow View Post
    This is definitely true...my complaints are usually met with "well have you tried...", HOWEVER what he doesn't seem to realize is that what I'm really hoping to get is some sort of comfort and sympathy instead of functional advice (sometimes things just need to be toughed out and there isn't necessarily a fix). Even when some sort of comfort/sympathy is offered, it often times seems casual, ingenuine, or just a bit hard to believe.
    Even though I'm an ENFP, I've had this problem with my ISTJ boyfriend, i had to tell him multiple times that when I talk to him about my problems, I don't always need a "solution" sometimes, like you said, I just need him to listen and be there for me emotionally. After hearing this from me several, in plain BLUNT terms, he finally got the hang of it I think the more he does it for you, then it won't seem so forced. Just need to remember that ISTJs live off of giving people practical solutions to problems, it how they show their love and how they feel needed. What has helped me also, is tell him WHEN i want advice (after venting) and WHEN I want him just to listen. it's become kind of cute, I'll vent about a work problem and he'll interrupt me and say kind of nervously "Do you want me to give you an answer to this, or do you want me just to listen?... Just Listen? OK..." And after he LISTENS EMOTIONALLY for me, then I always THANK HIM and let him know that he has helped me and done what I needed him to do to help me feel better. he may not understand why you feel better, but he will take pleasure in being the person to help you

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