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  1. #11
    Senior Member Lex Talionis's Avatar
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    An ISTJ/INFJ pair? That is a strange one.

    I only know one ISTJ as a definite ISTJ, due to the fact that I typed him, and he strikes me as the type of fellow who is absolutely repulsed by anything NF. He and I are very compatible (company wise), of course, but an NF, not so much.

    He is very sensible and fact oriented, collecting facts for the sake of knowing them, a trait which I find somewhat irritating, although I must admit that his ability to store, and even more importantly, to recall information is commendable and almost admirable. Emotionally speaking, not that we ever exchange anything emotionally, he is, like me, very detached, and does not enjoy the lofty emotional air of the typical NF, probably due to his inability to understand them.
    "Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily."
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  2. #12
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    So are you saying this relationship is doomed?

    Well I guess I should explain that I'm not really your typical INFJ. I'm a scientist and engineer...went to MIT for college so it's really something I'm passionate about. I'm probably more comfortable with logical and rational thinking than the stereotypical INFJ. I grew up hanging out with guys and as a result I'm a bit of a "dude" myself.

    My inner workings are most definitely INFJ, however. I'm quite emotional at the core and my passions are what drive my convictions/decisions/actions. I have a "lofty emotional air" but I think I keep it in check and under wraps for the most part. Except the occasional neurotic episode...

  3. #13
    Senior Member simpleamazement's Avatar
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    Good luck. So many misunderstandings happen. I was in a relationship with an INFJ for about a year. Unless you say or at least write down for later EVERYTHING and clear up EVERYTHING (no holding back) and he must be committed to doing the same. If your feelings were hurt, you must let him know. If his feelings were hurt, he must let you know. Huge bonus if both partners have good self-esteem.

  4. #14
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    EJCC: Although I'm not an ISTJ, I can say that the xNFJs that I've known have not only had an uncanny ability to read people and "see where they're coming from", but have also expected others to have that ability too. The thing is, we don't. (ESTJs and) ISTJs aren't nearly as good at that as INFJs are, and that's really just how it is.
    SO true. I get my ISTJ husband, can read his mind in a funny way -- he'll be bumbling around the house or out and about, and I'll just articulate whatever I think he's thinking. I'm freakishly right, and he gets annoyed.

    And, in my strong/desperate need to feel understood, I've asked him to do this for me. And he cannot, but is slowly, logically piecing me together in his mind (oh goodness - logically piecing together an INFJ? poor guy). But it seems to be working. We've been at it for 6 years now and slowly understanding each other better. Slowly. Like molasses. Time. Mycobacterium growth. Slow like whoa.

    ISTJs are so incredibly smart/practical. In a marriage, having a practical one and a thinky/dreamy one works nicely, I think.

    Whatever: If you complain about something the ISTJ will probably offer constructive advice on how to fix the situation... and if they ask for help organizing their DVD collection it's probably a good time to run
    PERFECT! All of that is exactly on / describes my relationship beautifully.

    Hybrid Rainbow: This is definitely true...my complaints are usually met with "well have you tried...", HOWEVER what he doesn't seem to realize is that what I'm really hoping to get is some sort of comfort and sympathy instead of functional advice (sometimes things just need to be toughed out and there isn't necessarily a fix). Even when some sort of comfort/sympathy is offered, it often times seems casual, ingenuine, or just a bit hard to believe.
    Yup, I am with you here!

    2XtremeENFP: Even though I'm an ENFP, I've had this problem with my ISTJ boyfriend, i had to tell him multiple times that when I talk to him about my problems, I don't always need a "solution" sometimes, like you said, I just need him to listen and be there for me emotionally. After hearing this from me several, in plain BLUNT terms, he finally got the hang of it
    I've heard this very situation presented as a gender stereotype. What says you? And i liked your reminder about gratitude. Good call.
    Last edited by mochajava; 07-31-2010 at 06:57 PM. Reason: coding incorrect
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  5. #15
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    It can be a gender thing. My husband read about the need to listen and be emotionally supportive and not try to fix things in a book or something before we met (he's an INTP, he figures everything out from books) so we haven't had too many problems with this, but it's a common problem.

    You could maybe tell him before you start that you are venting and just need him to comfort you, not fix it, but that you value his insight and when you are ready for some advice, you will come to him. I dunno, does that work with ISTJs?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #16
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    You could maybe tell him before you start that you are venting and just need him to comfort you, not fix it, but that you value his insight and when you are ready for some advice, you will come to him. I dunno, does that work with ISTJs?
    It helps quite a bit, I think. Feels awkward to give/get instructions about this, but it can surely make problem-solving easier.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hybrid_rainbow View Post
    This is definitely true...my complaints are usually met with "well have you tried...", HOWEVER what he doesn't seem to realize is that what I'm really hoping to get is some sort of comfort and sympathy instead of functional advice (sometimes things just need to be toughed out and there isn't necessarily a fix). Even when some sort of comfort/sympathy is offered, it often times seems casual, ingenuine, or just a bit hard to believe.
    Quote Originally Posted by Habba View Post
    If you tell ISTJ about your feelings and what's troubling you, do expect them to find you an applicable solution to fix your emotions. Because that they will do.
    Didn't I tell you?

    ISTJs show their feelings through actions. Willingness to try and solve your problems is actually a sign of sympathy. We ISTJs are of orderly people... anything problematic is a defiance to our sense of logic and needs to be solved. So if you've got problems, bring 'em here, we are happy to crush them for you!

    By the way, do you have any idea how annoying it is to listen to someone's complainments, while you would have the perfect solution to the problem? Actually... now that I think of it... I really rarely complain about anything. If something bothers me, I just try figure out a solution, and then apply it, and then forget about it.

    So if you want empathy, you might need to explain that to the ISTJ in question. It's not that we are stupid... it's just that we don't deal with empathy the way you expect us to do. But luckily for you, we are easy to re-instruct. Just input the expectation parameters, give few weeks time for computations to be finished, and there you go.

    EDIT: Sorry for just trying to give you a solution... But there's empathy there too, believe me!
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
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  8. #18
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    I think I'm going to try to avoid INFJs. I can spark an argument with them fast. >< ISTJ - xNFJ is *way* different than the differences between ISTJ and ENFP. We have completely and utterly different world views.

    I've learned to try to give sympathy through inquiring about the problem. It's from observing FJs. My first instinct is the same thing as other ISTJs here....find a solution. I mean, my logic is, if you have a problem, wouldn't a solution make you feel a lot better than sitting and talking about it? It would for me.

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  9. #19
    Member Parsimony's Avatar
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    I was sharing with my roommate, whom I believe is an INFP about passive/aggressive issues that a friend has. I mentioned that the logical thing to do is XYZ and his response was, that will be your downfall. Not everyone thinks that way.

    So, I agree with raz that if I have a problem, finding a solution is what I do. :P

    Sorry, if I'm being off topic.

  10. #20
    The Memes Justify the End EcK's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hybrid_rainbow View Post
    I've been dating my ISTJ boyfriend for just under 2 years now, and I think we've gotten to the point where it's becoming crucial for us to be able to understand and read each other. As in, it's serious and not just-for-kicks anymore. But I can't for the life of me understand why it's so difficult for him to grasp how I'm feeling and what things are really important to me.

    Along those lines, I'm sure there's a lot about him that I'm having a really hard time grasping, but it's difficult to be specific, as I'm paranoid that I'm reading him completely wrong.

    I'd appreciate some ISTJ advice, especially if you have ISTJ-INFJ relationship experience.
    you decided that understanding each other could be important after.. 2 years?
    low standards anybody?
    Expression of the post modern paradox : "For the love of god, religions are so full of shit"

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