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  1. #141
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Ask her that question and you have half the rent. A question like "What do you like to know about me ?" She'll rain questions on you and you can select a few that will already help her.
    I believe I did that by saying, in German, "Ich weiß nicht, was ich dir erzählen soll". You can read her response above.

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    I dont know your mum but one thing is often true with Mums, especially if they have sons: they can have sometimes a kinda reproachful attitude towards you, like "why dont you call ?" (tho you called 1 day ago), like "I dont know you anymore !" (well thats called growing up and its perfectly fine as long as one gets to know each others again).
    The 'I don't know you anymore' thing has been standing between us for the last five years or so. It has been a fact for an even longer time. I am okay with it, but she, apparently noticing it more lately, is not. I only call her when I have formalities to settle, but I have encouraged her to call me if she wants to. The same policy seems to work fine with my father (ISFJ).

  2. #142
    resonance entropie's Avatar
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    Well the problem is, if you tell an Fe "I dont know what to tell you about", he can understand that as "I dont want to talk to you right now" and will respect your feelings. By the same time tho you do increase his curiosity to find out what you are so secretive about, especially when you are a relative. So best things to do with Fe people is always to feed them something, doesnt need to be something serious, just a bit from your life, like maybe a funny story you had in the supermarket or an intresting discussion you had on the internet. Dominant Fe have an unique quality, you can basically talk to them for hours about anything and tho they understand only half of it, they are comforted by the pure fact that you are talking with them and are communicating.

    If you dont want to talk to them at the moment or maybe forever, you are of course in a diffcult position. Not talking anymore with relatives is near to impossible and if you do it, it will always result in them worrieing or being even pissed at you. Its like the saying "You can choose a friend, but you cant choose family".

    Here's one attempt to motivate you: maybe talking more to your mother and getting on a new level of relation with her as a grown-up can present you with different perspectives and new insights about her. She prolly has some more life experience than you have and its always good to know a lot of peoples life experience, especially when you are writting stuff or when you want to develop your own self.

    One critical notion: fathers generally are ultimatively calm and dont burden their sons. This doesnt mean tho that he doesnt want to talk to you as much as your mother does. Sometimes, and I know that from my own Dad, the things fathers say and the things fathers want are in absolute opposition.
    [URL]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEBvftJUwDw&t=0s[/URL]

  3. #143
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Well the problem is, if you tell an Fe "I dont know what to tell you about", he can understand that as "I dont want to talk to you right now" and will respect your feelings.
    That may actually be true.

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    By the same time tho you do increase his curiosity to find out what you are so secretive about, especially when you are a relative. So best things to do with Fe people is always to feed them something, doesnt need to be something serious, just a bit from your life, like maybe a funny story you had in the supermarket or an intresting discussion you had on the internet. Dominant Fe have an unique quality, you can basically talk to them for hours about anything and tho they understand only half of it, they are comforted by the pure fact that you are talking with them and are communicating.
    It is quite counter-intuitive to think that this stuff should re-establish a 'connection'. But I can imagine giving a weekly report of banalities. It might even work if she does really not require anything substantial. Good cue.

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    If you dont want to talk to them at the moment or maybe forever, you are of course in a diffcult position. Not talking anymore with relatives is near to impossible and if you do it, it will always result in them worrieing or being even pissed at you. Its like the saying "You can choose a friend, but you cant choose family".
    It is not that I hate her; we are just living in very different worlds.

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    Here's one attempt to motivate you: maybe talking more to your mother and getting on a new level of relation with her as a grown-up can present you with different perspectives and new insights about her. She prolly has some more life experience than you have and its always good to know a lot of peoples life experience, especially when you are writting stuff or when you want to develop your own self.
    That is not an issue. She accepted that I am an adult some years ago. Otherwise she would surely call more often. Also, it is usually the case that I give her advice. Of course, though, that does not save her from motherly feelings.

    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    One critical notion: fathers generally are ultimatively calm and dont burden their sons. This doesnt mean tho that he doesnt want to talk to you as much as your mother does. Sometimes, and I know that from my own Dad, the things fathers say and the things fathers want are in absolute opposition.
    He calls more often, so I talk to my father more frequently than to my mother. He is the softer parent, too: less intrusive, thus easier to talk to.

  4. #144
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    After a dinner and a subsequent visit to a pub with my mother, her husband and a friend of hers, the following dialogue occurred between mother (ESFJ) and son (INTJ):

    Nico's mum: "I have the feeling that I have lost the connection to you."
    Nicodemus: "I don't know what I should to tell you."
    Nico's mum: "Hm. Well, when you are fine, I am fine."

    I know that she wants me to present her my heart on a plate. That I cannot do. She has in the past asked for texts that I have written; yet when I send them, she does not respond. I figure what I write about is probably fancy nonsense to her; she has even confessed to have given up on reading one of my rather good essays. So that is obviously not the right method.

    Background information: We do not live in the same city and see each other around five times a year.

    Thus my question for the ESFJs here: What else could I do to satisfy her motherly need to get inside my head?
    This is heartbreaking to read.

    Would it be too weird to talk to your Dad about this (like in the same way you've spoken about it here)? Maybe he could give your mom some hints.

  5. #145
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    This is heartbreaking to read.


    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Would it be too weird to talk to your Dad about this (like in the same way you've spoken about it here)? Maybe he could give your mom some hints.
    My parents are not enemies but not really friends either. My father knows that my mother can be annoying (they were married for 12 years); but, actually, I don't want him to interfere, nor, in case you meant him, do I want my mother's husband to interfere. I guess I will try the weekly-report method.

  6. #146
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, I assumed they were still married. I'd already figured that might not be something you wanted to do anyway but I thought I'd ask anyway.

    Weekly report? Are you that exciting? lol
    Might be weird to jump into considering how little you two talk now. Maybe start with something less frequent than weekly and build up if that's what you want/she wants.

    (PS - I'm doubting the report is what she only wants but that might best thing for you two to do at this point.)

  7. #147
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Weekly report? Are you that exciting? lol
    If entropie's information is correct, I can tell her just about anything - if only it pertains to me - and it will better our relationship. Do you agree with the ENTP's assessment?

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    Might be weird to jump into considering how little you two talk now. Maybe start with something less frequent than weekly and build up if that's what you want/she wants.
    It does not have to be much. Three topics per week should suffice. I intend to do it via e-mail. Or do you think talking on the phone (sensory data, bla bla) might be better suited? Because in that case it would probably be a two-weekly report.

    Quote Originally Posted by Giggly View Post
    (PS - I'm doubting the report is what she only wants but that might best thing for you two to do at this point.)
    What do you think she wants?

  8. #148
    No moss growing on me Giggly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicodemus View Post
    If entropie's information is correct, I can tell her just about anything - if only it pertains to me - and it will better our relationship. Do you agree with the ENTP's assessment?
    Well, I'm not ESFJ but if all you want is for her to stop complaining and know that you're fine, then yeah I think that will work.

    I tried this sort of thing on an ESFJ and it did work but I disliked doing it. It felt forced but that's probably just my hangup.


    It does not have to be much. Three topics per week should suffice. I intend to do it via e-mail. Or do you think talking on the phone (sensual data, bla bla) might be better suited? Because in that case it would probably be a two-weekly report.
    Do whichever one that you are most likely to keep it up.

    Best of luck. I have to go now.

  9. #149
    A Mystery Jacques Le Paul's Avatar
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    Last edited by Jacques Le Paul; 09-05-2011 at 02:28 AM.
    Always forward, never back!

    "I always love talking to people and hearing their story. People always have a good life story to tell ya know?"



    My blog in regular blogs

  10. #150
    Senior Member Nicodemus's Avatar
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    It did not work out as intended, by the way. She answered mails the next day when she was supposed to wait a week. She did not reply to the things I had said and talked about her usual boring stuff. We are back to the old.

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