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  1. #31
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Yes.


    You have to "examine your mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth"? That's not being an F or a T, that's being a computer program.

    Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

    Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it. It seems like a lot of people are defending what he said, but to me the important thing is why he said it. Admittedly, I can't think of a reason that doesn't make him seem kind of jerky.

    We get to talking and started playing around and I teased him about how he hasn't called me until after 3.
    This is what the OP said to bring up the fact he didn't call. I can see how he'd be considered a liar- to those who say that he should have called everynight like he said- If I said I'd call you every night I wouldn't necessary consider texting calling. But that's me, and I'd actually say I'll hit you up every night or something- to let her know it might not be a call, but it would be some form of contact.

    But back to what I quoted- I hate that tactic. As someone mentioned, that's undercover complaining, nagging even. That is ANNOYING, and I can understand why her dude answered that way. When we're annoyed, we're less likely to try to find the right words. What comes out is unfiltered or unscreened, because you have touched a nerve.

    He loves her, but she's out of sight, out of mind when he's on vacation. I'll put money on it that he thinks about her more than he expresses to her. He also knows he'll see her again in a few days, so the situation is not hopeless. He'll be happy to see her.

    It's like when you go on vacation. As much fun as you have had, once you are home you are happy to be back to familiar surroundings and your bed. You don't necessarily miss these things. Now I know some of you will think 'objects vs people', and that has some merit, but it's not as clear cut, and that example's for illustrative purposes. He was having a good time and he accomplished the purpose of his vacation, but once that was over it was home and happy to see his girlfriend!

  2. #32
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    You have to "examine your mental/emotional database to figure out the literal truth"? That's not being an F or a T, that's being a computer program.
    Heh, I was attempting to express myself in a tongue-in-cheek way. Scratch the use of "database" and just think of someone looking inside to figure out what she's feeling. Or maybe I just failed the Turing test.. or passed, depending on how you look at it.

    I'm not sure why I even wrote the I'm an F comment as it wasn't related. It was the end of a long day at work... that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it!

    Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.
    True. I guess it sounded like he was responding to the implied question/accusation (seeing as he got defensive)--"why haven't you contacted me in 3 days?"

    I think he actually didn't mean that much by it, considering he phrased it as a question. My impression is that he completely expected her to agree with him, which would point to him assuming that this sort of feeling of non-missingness is universal and hence wouldn't be particularly harmful or hurtful to mention.

    Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it.
    True again! The problem is that we didn't hear his tone, just 2XtremeENFP's interpretation of his tone... Maybe he did snarl it out, or say it rudely, which would change things entirely... but without that information, I wanted to put forward the notion that it's entirely possible to say something like that without intending to hurt the other person, or convey any deeper message.

    But your view does lead to more interesting speculation, so we can go with it.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tallulah View Post
    Agree with jeno. I don't think he's being unreasonable. I also don't think there needs to be a contest between fun and girlfriend.
    I am with jenocyde on this as well. When I am away I am generally in the moment. I have got knocked alot for not calling my wife. I then do it because she wants me to. At that point I am doing it for her not some "social norm", but because she wants me to. She wins over my fun.

    Honestly I end up stressing over not doing it and it causes all sorts of problems and the rest of my day is ruined. It becomes a burden and honestly that just makes every thought of her stressful as opposed to anything that would even cause me to miss her.

    This whole thing of missing people doesnt ever pan out very good with in the moment types
    Im out, its been fun

  4. #34
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    I just think people shouldn't ask questions that they don't want to hear a truthful answer to. There is always going to be a possibility that someone won't feel or think exactly the way you want them to in that given moment.

    My advice is to wait for him to say he misses you instead of prodding him to do so.

    It's perfectly acceptable to ask him to be more verbal with his emotions, but you can't dictate which emotions he should be feeling. Or getting upset over an honest answer to an honest question.

    I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.

  5. #35
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    I am with jenocyde on this as well. When I am away I am generally in the moment. I have got knocked alot for not calling my wife. I then do it because she wants me to. At that point I am doing it for her not some "social norm", but because she wants me to. She wins over my fun.

    Honestly I end up stressing over not doing it and it causes all sorts of problems and the rest of my day is ruined. It becomes a burden and honestly that just makes every thought of her stressful as opposed to anything that would even cause me to miss her.

    This whole thing of missing people doesnt ever pan out very good with in the moment types

    DAAAAAAAAAAAANG I've thought this before. So I guess it's not only me.

  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.
    Perception controls thoughts, which controls wants, which controls desire, which controls drive....Drivers wanted
    Im out, its been fun

  7. #37
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post

    If I'm dating a girl, it's Wednesday, and we haven't seen each other since Saturday but have texted or talked each day in between, then I probably would have a hard time missing you. Distance between us is immaterial to this feeling.

    I think what he said sounds insensitive on the surface, but understand his view.

    One thing I have learned, and am still learning is to qualify my definition. Is there something about her that I did miss? Did catching that glimpse of her as I walked up to her generate some kind of reaction? When we hugged/kissed, does that contact put me in a place where I won't be unless I'm with her? Then in that smaller sense, YES I have missed her. I missed her smile, I missed her scent. That way, I can answer her question with a "Yes, I missed that beautiful smile", and make her day, instead of "We talk everyday, I don't have a chance to miss you". A little extra effort goes a long way!
    This makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by d@v3 View Post

    I think you are over-thinking your situation. How often do you see each other when he is not on vacation?
    Hmm... we hang out after work usually 4 days a week, ranging from 3-4 hours at a time...

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

    1) He was being careless with your feelings.
    2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
    3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

    To me, all of those are problems. Maybe I'm missing some other possibility, but it seems to me that he was either deliberately mean -- which is a serious problem -- or he was unintentionally mean, which could also be a pretty major problem.
    When he said the hurtful comment, he said it as if it wasn't a rude/mean thing to say. He said it in a normal tone, yet being serious, like it wasn't a big deal.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Yes.


    Anyway, the boyfriend wasn't responding to a direct question, "Did you miss me?" It sounds from the OP like he volunteered this information, went out of his way to say it.

    Even in response to a direct question, there are ways to answer nicely without lying, or even use things like tone of voice to communicate affection so your feelings aren't misunderstood. That's pretty much what I meant by "being careless with your feelings". It sounds to me like he doesn't care about the relationship all that much right now and isn't bothering to hide it. It seems like a lot of people are defending what he said, but to me the important thing is why he said it. Admittedly, I can't think of a reason that doesn't make him seem kind of jerky.
    Exactly. I wasn't bugging him, or fishing for a "Miss you". he just felt the need to say it. Perhaps I may have not given enough information about the situation in the original inital post...

    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post

    But back to what I quoted- I hate that tactic. As someone mentioned, that's undercover complaining, nagging even. That is ANNOYING, and I can understand why her dude answered that way. When we're annoyed, we're less likely to try to find the right words. What comes out is unfiltered or unscreened, because you have touched a nerve.
    That was not my intention... I wasn't nagging, complaining. I wasn't upset that he didn't call. I was upset that he said that he didn't miss me. (Which, could as an effect, make me upset that he didnt call.. like... "Oh, so.. he didnt miss me.. AND He didnt call....wow..."

    He wasn't annoyed. He was in clear mind, and just .. said it.

    It's like when you go on vacation. As much fun as you have had, once you are home you are happy to be back to familiar surroundings and your bed. You don't necessarily miss these things. Now I know some of you will think 'objects vs people', and that has some merit, but it's not as clear cut, and that example's for illustrative purposes. He was having a good time and he accomplished the purpose of his vacation, but once that was over it was home and happy to see his girlfriend!


    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    My impression is that he completely expected her to agree with him, which would point to him assuming that this sort of feeling of non-missingness is universal and hence wouldn't be particularly harmful or hurtful to mention.
    Who would want their S.O. to agree in conversation of not missing eachother??


    True again! The problem is that we didn't hear his tone, just 2XtremeENFP's interpretation of his tone... Maybe he did snarl it out, or say it rudely, which would change things entirely... but without that information, I wanted to put forward the notion that it's entirely possible to say something like that without intending to hurt the other person, or convey any deeper message.

    But your view does lead to more interesting speculation, so we can go with it.
    OK.. Yeah, I needed to give more info about what happened in the original conversation with my boyfriend and I...
    ...

    OK, while we were talking on the phone, my friend was there in the background and she was goofing around and trying to get me off the phone, so I said as JOKING (all 3 of us are mutual friends) to my friend, "Shut up, This is the first time he's called since he left! Sorry me and my boyfriend dont talk every second of the day like you and your bf, we don't need constant communication to have a successful relationship!" And then my boyfriend said in her defence "Hey! Don't say that to her, sometimes couples just call each other just to hear each other's voice" And so I said something like "Oh yeah, so that's why you called me 3 days after you left" and then he said his dreaded, I dont miss you, line.

    Quote Originally Posted by jenocyde View Post
    I just think people shouldn't ask questions that they don't want to hear a truthful answer to. There is always going to be a possibility that someone won't feel or think exactly the way you want them to in that given moment.
    Trust me, dating an ISTJ, I dont ask a question unless I'm ready for a blunt response... which is why I DIDNT ASK HIM He just said it...

    I wouldn't be hurt if my boyfriend said that to me, I would be like "No? You don't miss me at all? You don't miss the way I [expletive] or the way I [censored]?" hahahaha... Basically, I would just make him miss me. Seriously, don't overthink (or emote) this.
    hahahah i wish I would have thought that quick to say that!

  8. #38
    Member Amphion's Avatar
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    Exactly, and thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    He said that he doesn't miss you. That's not a very nice thing to say, and it's obviously upset you. So why did he say it?

    1) He was being careless with your feelings.
    2) He was trying to be hurtful or put some distance between you.
    3) He was upset that you "teased him about how he hasn't called" and said it deliberately to upset you, as revenge.

    To me, all of those are problems. Maybe I'm missing some other possibility, but it seems to me that he was either deliberately mean -- which is a serious problem -- or he was unintentionally mean, which could also be a pretty major problem.

  9. #39
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amphion View Post
    Exactly, and thank you!
    What makes you so sure of his motives?

  10. #40
    Member Amphion's Avatar
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    Where did I indicate that I'm sure what his motives were? I think burymecloser summarized the possibilities nicely.

    Having been in relationships I didn't esteem very much and relationships that I cared about deeply, I can definitely say that I might have acted this way with the former but not the latter.

    You get what you're willing to settle for in life, don't you think?

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