[ISTJ] ISTJ & 'miss you'

[2XtremeENFP]

Where did I indicate that I'm sure what his motives were? I think burymecloser summarized the possibilities nicely.

Having been in relationships I didn't esteem very much and relationships that I cared about deeply, I can definitely say that I might have acted this way with the former but not the latter.

You get what you're willing to settle for in life, don't you think?

for 5 years?

 

[IZthe411]

Where did I indicate that I'm sure what his motives were? I think burymecloser summarized the possibilities nicely.

Having been in relationships I didn't esteem very much and relationships that I cared about deeply, I can definitely say that I might have acted this way with the former but not the latter.

You get what you're willing to settle for in life, don't you think?

You are co-signing what they said- in essence if you were to write something it would be that.

So you say there's nothing that you say or do that rubs your SO the wrong way? Does that mean you don't care about him/her?

 

[Amphion]

for 5 years?

I'm sorry, I don't understand. Do you mean that you've been together for 5 years? I'm not saying you should give undue weight to a singular event if all other interactions suggest he's a great guy and you're the love of his life.

 

[Amphion]

You are co-signing what they said- in essence if you were to write something it would be that.

So you say there's nothing that you say or do that rubs your SO the wrong way? Does that mean you don't care about him/her?

Well, of course. But if it's a calloused remark that shows no regard for her feelings, I'll apologize.

 

[sciski]

When he said the hurtful comment, he said it as if it wasn't a rude/mean thing to say. He said it in a normal tone, yet being serious, like it wasn't a big deal.

Do you believe that it wasn't a big deal to him?

Who would want their S.O. to agree in conversation of not missing eachother??

Urk... I have a feeling that my 'sticking to the facts' approach is not the way to go... Sorry, I thought it would help.

One thing though--I said 'expect', not 'want'. They're different things. I wouldn't want my partner to not miss me, but I would expect it and understand it if he was really busy. Does that clarify things? I'm sorry if that makes you sad...

But I'm wondering if the heart of this has more to do with your feeling of insecurity and maybe not being valued in the relationship... this incident seems to have been the trigger. What else has he done (or not done) that make you feel this way? Maybe that's what you need to work out with him instead...

And something else just occurred to me... do you know each others' love languages? It's possible that he's expressing his love in a way you don't recognise, and you're expressing yours in a way he doesn't understand.

 

[toast]

I feel like it contained his true feelings, because he didn't try and take it back or explain himself. He just threw it out there and left it.



I am trying my hardest to not be 'that girl'. I want him to have fun, but I want him to look forward to coming back home and seeing me. I can't force it.



5 messages is a TON? Really? lol, I must be a HEAVY texter than, because the conversations were just so... 'S' lol "Hi, Hope you have a good day!" "Thanks, you too!" "Good night!" "Sweet dreams!" I mean, no substance....

and like I said before, it's not like he's out white water rafting, and going out drinking, he's in a small town, sitting at home playing games with his family...

I do know that I can ENFP him to death, which is why I love coming here and sorting things out!

Wow... I don't see why everyone is making your OP out to be something so needy. 5 texts a day is not a 'TON' if you say it isn't. "Enough" is relative to what you two both think. 3 days away without contact is also relative, that kind of boundary is something you & he create. There isn't some guideline that says you're clingy if you want him to call you everyday, its dependent on the relationship, the needs of both people involved. There isn't any friggen 'norm.' But you don't seem to be really looking for relationship advice in general anyway, right? Aren't you asking to better understand what's going on in his mind, or why it bothers you?

If you asked him to call you everyday, he agreed, and he didn't, I agree that was an error on his part. I think it would have been a good idea to call him or tell him after day 3 that you still expected him to keep his word, but I think in your OP you were implying you weren't really bothered until he said the insensitive 'i don't miss you' thing. I think the way he worded it might have been a way of making it easier on you in his mind, because he didn't say directly that he didn't miss you, he implied it by saying you might feel the same way on a vacation. That's speculation, but its something to consider. Either way, I think the whole 'not being treated like a girlfriend' is just something that's always going to slightly bother NFs. It makes sense. Its probably worse because, as an ENFP, when his words don't match his intent or true motivation, that's just about your biggest peeve. You seem to be fine with him being independent, you just want to know why he doesn things / what his motivations are. I imagine things like this just jumble you up.

After 5 years, its likely he has missed you but maybe he's oblivious to your need to hear it, or just does't think to say it. (Like my ISTP). I would agree with most of the responses that say that the one particular line that disheveled you is being over analyzed because you don't have enough ends tied up to make perfect sense of it. He kind of sounds like my brother, who's INTJ. He won't say something like that to me unless I outright tell him I need it (which, yes, makes it not feel as great & makes me think he doesn't feel as much as I do), but the action / choice to call or tell you anything has got to be analyzed as much as what he says or doesn't say, to be fair. If you did that you might find he's more consistent in his feelings for you & find some peace with it.

 

[BlueSky]

My advice: Screw all of this advice.

Just tell him how you feel. You'll both fix it, he'll know not to do it again, and you'll both be better off. In all likelihood, he didn't mean for it to hurt (nor did he mean that way you are taking it), so stop worrying.

Ne...

 

[swordpath]

Ask him about it. If I was truly interested in someone I wouldn't tell them I don't have time for 'em. I have been known to be sarcastic in a similar fashion, but if he were just playing around I'm sure he would've made sure you understood that.

However, I don't know this guy, and I wouldn't make a mountain out of a mole hill until you just ask him forwardly about it. If something is bothering you, you don't need to feel like you have to contain yourself because it might smother or "ENFP him"... Communication is going to be key in your relationship and you both are going to have to be comfortable doing that.


P.S. For what it's worth; I'm not good at saying "I miss you", even if I totally do.

 

[hybrid_rainbow]

not being "that girl"

2XtremeENFP,

One of your sentiments really resonated with me. You said

I am trying my hardest to not be 'that girl'

This is something I wrestle with a lot when something is bothering me about my ISTJ boyfriend. I consider myself an extremely laid-back girl, ok with being one of the guys, know what i like, love my independence, etc. So it really bothers me when I start recognizing signs of what I end up interpreting as "clingy-ness". And then I start feeling guilty for feeling the way I do and wanting the things I want from my boyfriend because some part of my NF personality hates being a "burden" to the ones I love.

I once had a thinker friend tell me after a situation similar to the one you described occurred that IT'S OK TO HAVE YOUR NEEDS. Us NFs are so damn good at emphasizing (though sometimes incorrectly) and thinking of what others might feel about a situation that we neglect to recognize the importance of our own needs. For some reason, we are willing to bend over backwards to make our loved ones happy but we are unwilling to expect them to do the same for us. In situations like the one you described, I would feel guilty, not say anything to my BF, and then tell myself that the problem was ME and that I should try to change my needs to better suite his behavior. And of course, it never worked.

For the sanity of everyone involved, we shouldn't feel guilty about wanting our particular needs fulfilled from the ones we love. If we keep our disappointment and sadness to ourselves, resentment builds and then where would the relationship go?

I guess the conclusion is this: you should figure out what you want from your SO and how you want him to treat you. You need to understand which qualities/behaviors are merely niceties and which are absolutely vital to your well-being, and then you should TELL HIM. And most importantly, once you've figured out what's absolutely vital to you, don't back down on it just because you're worried about being too much of a burden.

 

[Habba]

Aren't you the girl who were upset when your ISTJ boyfriend wasn't particularly happy about you calling in middle of a night during a working week..?

we've texted maybe 5 consecutive messages a day, so no major communication.

I rarely communicate more than that during a day via text messages. It's a horrid way of chatting with someone. I personally don't like communicating with people who are not currently involved in my present moment. If I have something to tell, I'll wait until I see the person I want to share it with.

Also... I in ISTJ also stands for "Independent". We don't miss people much. It's not because we don't care about other people, but rather because we have learned how to get along just by ourselves.

And SiTe makes us very "out of sight, out of mind" kind of people. It allows us to function in almost any given situation by just adapting to the situation, ignoring all abstractions and implications of the situation. In English that would mean: We see things as they are... and we often dismiss their meaning, symbolism and relationships. So, if we don't see you, you do not exist for the moment. But of course, you do exist.. and we do see you through our memories. But most of the time we don't think of that, as we focus on what's currently at hand. And if we get idle, we are more prone to see you through our memories.

So should you feel hurt after hearing he didn't miss you? Of course you should! He should know better! You don't say "I miss you" because you miss someone. You say it because you want the other person to know how unique you think they are.

My advice would be for you two improving your communication... letting each other know how you feel about these things. ENFP - ISTJ pairs are so different. I know.

 

[Poki]

If I am out doing something then I dont text much. On a typical workday or when I am not really doing anything fun we swap between 20-40 texts a day. I prefer it to talking on the phone. I prefer in person. When I am out having fun I dont text much at all.

So should you feel hurt after hearing he didn't miss you? Of course you should! He should know better! You don't say "I miss you" because you miss someone. You say it because you want the other person to know how unique you think they are.

I feel like I am lying if I do this. My wife has got past the fact that I dont miss her. I am not built like that. I see here everyday. It takes alot for me to miss someone and the people I am around the most I will miss the least.

 

[garbage]

I feel like I am lying if I do this.

Yeah, there's gotta be some way to not lie but still convey to the other person that you care about them.

My reply to "I miss you", if I'm just plain not feeling the same way at that immediate moment, is typically along the lines of, "Well, it's okay; we're gonna see each other in a few days.. and you know I'm looking forward to it because I really do want to see you." She actually likes that sort of reassurance. If we're both groveling messes every single time we're apart for a while, then.. well, that's no good.

With us being in a semi-long distance relationship, this comes up a lot.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

So should you feel hurt after hearing he didn't miss you? Of course you should! He should know better!

This is true, but, "we don´t know better". We fail at recognizing people´s feelings and, sometimes, our own.

The best SO I had (the only one I remember nicely) was the one who understood and accepted that trait. He always told me that he needed to hear from me, even if I didn´t miss him, because he did miss me when we were apart. So, I did call him and wrote e-mails because that´s what I had to do to make him feel better.

You should do the same thing. I think a better communication between you two will solve this.

Just forgive him this time, but the next, just say what you need him to do in order to make you happy. Not as an order, just say "I would be happy if we (insert what you need here)". Don´t use "you". He may react pointing one of your faults as well.

Remember, we don´t do things if they don´t serve a particular purpose. We need a good reason, and, at least for me, my significant other´s happiness is more than a good one.

 

[raz]

i think the whole i miss you thing is bullshit. a lot of these social and relationship rules are bullshit. people just latch onto the rules out of insecurity, attention or thinking its something they should be doing. i dont prefer sincerity and i dont prefer honesty. it is expected and required to make the relationship endeavor worth a damn. our society has severely bastardized the beauty and warmth of human love to turn it into predictable hoops to jump through.

if i miss someone, i will outright say it, but in my own way to convey how much i care about them and their presence. i just hate how other people seem to look at relationships and dating. people dont care about spontaneous meetings, the connection between two human beings. that's the whole reason to desire a relationship. i want to feel like my woman is my other half. im just ranting now but i just sigh in disgust at the state of relationships in our society.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Aren't you the girl who were upset when your ISTJ boyfriend wasn't particularly happy about you calling in middle of a night during a working week..?

me?...nope