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  1. #11
    Queen hunter Virtual ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    OK OK OK, I know I ask a lot of ISTJ questions, it's mainly cause I start to overanalyze his words SO MUCH, and that's why I need you guys to help keep me rational

    So.. quick question, easy to answer probably...

    ISTJ boyfriend is on vacation, has been gone for a few days, we've texted maybe 5 consecutive messages a day, so no major communication. He said that he would call every night, but has yet to do so, but that doesn't bother me because I know he's probably busy...

    Here's the issue, after about 3 days, he called me before he went to bed, which is the first time we spoke on the phone since he left. We get to talking and started playing around and I teased him about how he hasn't called me until after 3. He started getting defensive, and to justify his actions he said, "Sorry I didn't call you, I mean, haven't you ever been on vacation where you are just having so much fun that you don't miss me?"

    My response was, "No... no matter how much fun I am having, I miss you and think about you"

    He still stuck by his answer...

    I am trying not to take offense, but it's not working so well.

    So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?

    Did he REALLY mean what he said? I mean, I am looking at a deeper meaning, but the deeper meaning is just what he said... he doesn't miss me.

    When I do asked him to clarify, I think he thinks I am trying to trap him so he says what I want to hear...

    I think that you probably should not worry about this if you two have a fairly stabile relationship. I know myself well enough that I can say that I am perfectly capbable of saying something like this.
    One of the reasons why I look so calculated all the time is because I am calculating and trying not to say something like this. IxTJ are probably the last people that are in contact with people's feelings so don't take this too personally.

  2. #12
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    I guess it depends on how he meant it. In my relationship (with an ENTP) there have been times when he was so blunt and literal I took it really badly because I just couldn't imagine how anyone could say that. After getting to know him better though and becoming more secure in our relationship, I understood how he could say things like that AND still love me. A big part though was that he was also very sorry for hurting me and has learned to adjust how he expresses things. Maybe that's all it is with your ISTJ. I would just talk to him about it until you're satisfied and have peace with the issue.
    If it's any consolation, I got in trouble at work yesterday for being too blunt with coworkers and customers. They said I should think more before I speak, and try to be more considerate. I have an ISFJ and INFJ trying to teach me how to be nice. Good thing they're both hot.


  3. #13
    half mystic, half skeksis jenocyde's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    My dilemma is trying to understand if most ISTJs like to block out their S.O. and are able to not long for someone while they are away--and do they purposefully do this..?
    I don't think it's on purpose, and I don't think he's blocking you out. Just because something isn't positive doesn't make it negative. it could just be neutral. He got busy and you weren't on the forefront of his mind. You just have to accept that. There is no person you will ever be with who can honestly say that you are on his mind every second of the day. Or even once per day, every single day.

    I understand the needing a break from someone, but this wasn't like "Hey, I love you, but we've been hanging out a lot, and I need some alone time". I get that, he's an I, i'm an E, makes sense... but what he said to me was basically, Hey yeah im calling cause i havent called because im having so so so much fun and couldnt take 5 minutes out of my day to say hi what's up.
    No, that's not what he's basically saying at all. What he's basically saying is what he said. You are reading way too much into this.

    This isn't about me missing him, and I knew that he was going to have things planned (he's with his family, and his parents and siblings are ALL ISTJs (!), so I knew it'd be one planned activity after another, so it makes more sense for him to call. I guess this is about His Fun vs. His Girlfriend, and so far, Fun is winning. (Fun > Girlfriend, if you will).
    Exactly. It's his vacation with his family and fun *should* be winning in this instance. It would be very difficult for me to be with someone who always wanted more more more all the time and couldn't relax enough in our relationship to be separated for a few days.

    I did appreciate the texts that he sent me, because he's not a big texter, but after hearing those words come out of my mouth, I just saw his texting as a big "societal norm"/Robotic guesture -- (robot voice) I should text my girlfriend and say I love you and Miss You because that is what I am suppose to do.
    Ok, I'm going to mess with your head for just a second... In one way, did you think he may have said it to get under your skin? You said you "teased" him that he didn't call for 3 days. I can always tell when an ENFP is complaining under the guise of a joke, and it really really annoys me when someone doesn't speak to me plainly, so sometimes I'll jab back "innocently". I'm not suggesting that's what he's doing but I'm just putting it out there. You might speak with agenda and hidden meaning and therefore look for it in his words - it may just not be there at all. So if you keep looking for hidden meaning, he may be giving you something to work with, out of spite.

    I'm not sure ISTJs would think that way, but I would.

    EDIT: and I'll probably come clean once I see that you've suffered enough.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    But, then look at it the other way. He said before the vacation that he'd call every night. He doesn't. You then confront him about it and he gives a truthful reason. He covered himself and now you know why. Respect his need for independence. As long as you trust his word, remember that relationship != ownership. How long have you been together anyway?
    Yeah. When I say I'm going to call someone, I take a text message as fulfilling my duty. It's not the end of the world and I'm still coming home to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    I guess it depends on how he meant it. In my relationship (with an ENTP) there have been times when he was so blunt and literal I took it really badly because I just couldn't imagine how anyone could say that. After getting to know him better though and becoming more secure in our relationship, I understood how he could say things like that AND still love me.
    I think I make my INTP flinch at least once per day.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    If it's any consolation, I got in trouble at work yesterday for being too blunt with coworkers and customers. They said I should think more before I speak, and try to be more considerate.
    Awww, you poor thing. I can identify.

  4. #14
    Member Amphion's Avatar
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    Fuck that guy. You deserve better than that.

  5. #15
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    He probably means "... that you don't miss me" as something like "... that you didn't need me in order to have a good time".

    In a situation where you're off without your partner, "missing" them might imply that you're not happy or whole without them--that they are, indeed, a missing piece.

    Everyone needs "me time". I mean, I'd want my partner to not be dependent on me to have a good time on their vacation.

    I'd just look and see if this is a pattern, or if it's a one-time miscommunication.


    Breaking his promise to call you at night is inexcusable, though. He flaked on you there.

  6. #16
    Member Sam Spade's Avatar
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    So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?
    No.
    "Knights had no meaning in this game. It wasn't a game for knights."

  7. #17
    movin melodies kiddykat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2XtremeENFP View Post
    So he does it, and then later on says how he truly feels -- contradictory, don't you think?
    Yes.

    IME, SJ guys tend to be pretty consistent. Just because an ISTJ is on vaca, doesn't mean he won't miss you. I had a short-term LDR with an ISTJ, who was very attentive- called when he said he would. He made every attempt to assure me that I can count on him on his word, and that he will be there. And he was pretty mushy/sentimental, to my surprise- but a very hard facts/emotionally distant kind of guy with others. We didn't work out, because of our differences in values/temperament.

    I think you deserve better treatment, honestly. Down the line, would you find this behavior acceptable? Especially if you add children in the mix (hypothetically)? At least he was honest about his feelings.

  8. #18
    L'anima non dimora Donna Cecilia's Avatar
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    I dont forget about my SO when Im on vacation. In fact, at times, I wished he was there with me. Altough I value (because I need) my "just-me" time, Ill keep my word if I promise him to phone everyday.

    Still, I dont want to draw any conclusion without knowing how long have you been together.

    We are not good at expressing our feelings, so, try to find out if that answer was just a communicational mishap, or if it contained his true feelings.

    Once you get the answer to that, you have to think whether or not you want this kind of treatment.

    "An intelligent hell would be better than a stupid paradise."
    Victor Hugo



    LII/INTj (Analyst) - 1w9 Sp/Sx - RC|O|EI - Melancholy/Choleric

  9. #19
    Emerging Tallulah's Avatar
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    Agree with jeno. I don't think he's being unreasonable. I also don't think there needs to be a contest between fun and girlfriend.
    Something Witty

  10. #20
    insert random title here Randomnity's Avatar
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    it was somewhat insensitive of him to say it out loud, though only to certain personalities (others would prefer the truth). 5 text messages in a day is a TON of communication, especially for a busy vacation. I'm not surprised he wasn't missing you if his days were jam packed, and honestly I would be annoyed at someone getting annoyed at me for such a reason. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that he doesn't need to think about you 24/7 to be happy, and he isn't miserable when he's away for you for a few days. which is good!

    don't enfp that poor boy to death...this is why opposites may attract but aren't always ideal...
    -end of thread-

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