I am an avid reader and require different perspectives continuously but something i have noticed in myself is that i get lost and confused thus finding any truths within myself, only leads to more questions which hurts my head. I like conclusions
I am currently reading a book about meanings that we attach to experiences and that if we don't look at situations with new eyes then we attach the meaning which we may of previously used. How is that beneficial??
So from this i have been trying to strip away my meanings to experiences so i can reassess myself at my very core. God, i have never felt so vulnerable and raw. Imagine post-it notes as clothes which you are forever peeling away from oneself, putting them on the wall, evaluating their importance and relevance but in the mean time, physically becoming cold and scared of ones own self.
I did it, but i had more questions than answers .. I can't say this for everyone but personally, my perception is screwed up. I know i have had to build up my coping mechanisms in order to survive, what were at times in a very cruel and injust environment but where is the place that i can be free to show myself without feeling/thinking i am worthless, useless and have nothing to contribute (I am aware this is self esteem issues) .. I can rationalise this and tell myself the good that i have produced in 30 years, but there always seems to be that voice that tells me, i am just not good enough (god darn voices, lol)
I have had to remind myself that i need to be here in the present moment, live it and take full advantage of whats on offer .. It is hard though when you are striving to be something better.
And maybe, just maybe this is where my perception is warped .. What is better? What meaning am i trying to attach to this? Why am i not content?
What have been your personal experiences of personal growth?