I would put this all in a blog but I'm looking to express myself and find some form of solution, especially considering the issues constantly seem to re-surface. So what's bothering Kai? It's friendship, dependancy and general attitude towards life.
The last few days, I've been been thinking about how much importance I place on friendship and how some of my happiness seems to be dependant on my friends; more specifically how much I hang around people. It feels natural that I'd have this need, and society seems to agree with the notion that friendship plays an important role in the wellbeing of individuals. Yet I can't say I'm 100% content with how things are playing out. The main problem being that, if it were possible, I'd most likely spend even more time with my closest friends than what I currently do. Except chances are that I'm being unreasonable in my demands for extra contact time, besides I'm not sure it's healthy to feed these feelings of dependancy. Overall, it's clear that I'm not very good at finding the balance between wanting to hang out with friends and spending time alone. Instead, I switch between feelings of wanting to be with my friends and withdrawing from my friends; the latter formed from the belief that I should be OK alone. I'm reminded of the philosophy: Your happiness should be derived from within. It's not the responsability of loved ones.
A secondary issue that I experience is actually expressing these feelings to friends. As mentioned previously, I'm not convinced that it's a good idea to let my friends know, since chances are, that I'm the one that needs to form a more healthy attitude in friendship balance. Although deep down I can't say that I totally agree with my last statement, which is not surprisingly really, I'd be lying if I said that I definitely want to change my attitude rather than changing the level of contact. It's ust another one of those heart vs head issues. Back to the main point of this second paragraph, these are negative feelings that I regularly experience on a monthly basis and while I appreciate that my friends will most likely listen to me. I don't want to constantly burden them with these negative feelings or place increased demands on our friendship.
Currently I'm operating on the basis, that expectations and demands on friendships can induce disappointment and strain on relationships; so apart from the main values such as understanding and respect, rationally I try not to expect too much. It seems to have a double-negative effect though since I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself. It sort of feels like I'm pretending to be OK when in reality I'm experiencing these emotions, but perhaps there are lots of people who engage in this behaviour. It does sound a little ridiculous though to express negative emotions everytime it's felt, especially considering that some issues naturally resolve themselves given time. I do find that when I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm having fun and not thinking about these problems. but chances are I'm just distracting myself from this problem that lingers in the background, even if it's not intentional.
So in the end I'm just left in a limbo on how to proceed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.