w00t~ this is my first post here
I’ve actually got a situation I feel is similar to this one~ CLICK except that I’m the ISFJ :P This is kinda long so I've broken it up into parts so it might be easier to read
This might go in the NF forum but i'm not sure
So I’ve been good friends with this girl for about 8 years now (I think she’s either an INFP or INFJ) and we’ve had our ups and downs and even taken a year-long break in our friendship. Well…I’m thinking now is about a good time to take another break but…this time it’s more difficult…
Here’s some history: When we took a break before, we were both about 16 and she vented constantly and was extremely jealous of me (i.e. whenever she asked how my day was and I said something like “pretty good, I got my hair done today an-“ then she’d snap “quit bragging D:” and be seriously ticked at me for saying something positive about myself...long story). Being an ISFJ, I wanted to help her as much as I could. But also being 16 and a really bad “counselor” at the time, I got to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore, her problems were too big for my immature mind, so I just started avoiding her. It turned into this big ol' nasty argument and we didn’t talk to each other for a year. When we finally did decide to speak again we picked up where we left off (the positive points at least) and it was great for the next 2 years but now it’s starting to get a little…ugly again…
The here and now: For about 10 months she’s been venting *constantly* again but it's now over a relationship that didn't work out, his family, and her financial and home situations, and to be frank, I’m sick of it. I mean yes, being an ISFJ, I am more than willing to hear how you’re feeling and try to help you the best I can. But, everytime I try to give her advice, she never ever takes it. She never took my advice before we took our break and through that I've come to understand that some people just want to be heard and don’t want advice. But... she’s a broken record. Literally, if you recorded every phone conversation, she says the same exact thing which shows no improvement. For an ISFJ, their satisfaction comes in helping people and part of that is seeing improvement and when i see none that's really really frustrating. Plus, I’m a busy college student and she takes up 3-4 hours of my time talking about the same thing over and over again. Respect please? And during those 3-4 hours she never lets me get a word in edgewise. The very few times when I try to share my thoughts or feelings or maybe even try to get advice, she just cuts it off completely and turns the conversation straight back to her. Also, whenever I tell her to stop venting constantly, if she doesn’t get upset, she might say “okay” then goes completely silent because she has nothing else to talk about except her drama. And i'm thinking, “you’re supposed to be my friend but you have nothing to talk about except yourself?” I feel selfish thinking that, but really she's the one being selfish. She’s made me her only vent and she -will not- vent to anyone else except me which is exhausting in itself. I've tried to direct her to our other friends who will very willingly listen to her but she just won't vent to them. I can’t counsel 24/7, I’m only a human being with my own life to worry about. She’s supposed to be my friend, not my patient. for my relationship with her there’s a very, very fine line between friendship and a patient-counselor relationship. A friend is someone who I’m supposed to have fun with and have something in common with. Sometimes to me it feels like her venting has consumed her. I mean I know there’s still a beautiful and talented girl in there but I can’t see her anymore.
It makes me feel so mean to talk about her like this and selfish to say I don't have time for her, but in truth, I don't.
Problem: So...basically...she’s annoying the crap out of me by solely using me as someone who will listen to her and not being a friend at all. I don’t want to sound selfish but this has become a really parasitic relationship and it’s gotta stop. I don’t wanna cut off all ties with her but it’s hard for me to see any other way. I wanna take another break but everytime I’ve tried to talk to her about this she acts worse than before I think probably because she can sense another break is coming and she can’t handle it. She IMs me and asks “what have I done to you?” or “what’s wrong with you?” and I actually try to tell her how I feel she always says “that hurts”, “I can’t take this, stop,” and sometimes even tries to get revenge and says something “mean” back to me. And I just can’t take that. I hate hate hate hurting people, but at the same time I get so mad and frustrated because she’s stopped me...i’ve stopped myself from dealing with the problem. I’m like “c’mon I got up the strength to finally tell you how I feel and now you don’t wanna hear it? why should I even deal with you anymore if you’re just going to ignore me?” As I did before the first break, I avoided her for a long time before I decided to confront her. I probably avoided her for about 2-3 months, but she’s just kept on and on popping up like an annoying bug sending me messages, IMing me, calling me. I hated hitting “ignore” but I did not want to face the conflict. And if I did answer I know I wouldn’t want to argue and I’d be in the same cycle listening to the same broken record again. I know avoiding and ignoring doesn't solve problems but I just...I don't know what to do..
I guess I want to know....has anybody else been in a similar situation? is there a way to go about this with not a lot of conflict? A way so that I won’t back out and she’ll actually listen to me?