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  1. #471
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    That's a good one. Say "I love you" to them because it makes them happy, and because you love them. You're not doing it because you want to, but you're doing it because you love to see them happy. Still, I'd still do spontaneous stuff. If I really admire a woman I'm with, I won't hold back from constantly reminding her how much I adore her.

    To me, displays of affection just have to be perfect and done the right way. For me, it's about avoiding insincerity, carelessness, and thoughtlessness.

    Where are these other ISTJs finding SO's without picking up a random person they barely care about? I must be missing something. ><

    Even when I was in a relationship with an ESFJ, she said I Love You about 50 times more than me. When she said it, I just acted like it didn't happen. I guess I'm the same as other ISTJs. If I love you, saying I love you is kind of redundant. However, I have no problem if I'm doing something with my SO that just surprises me about her or our feelings are at an all time high, then I'd say it, because I'd really mean it.


  2. #472
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Donna Cecilia View Post
    The best SO I had (the only one I remember nicely) was the one who understood and accepted that trait. He always told me what he needed to hear from me, even if I didn´t feel like doing or saying so. I did said him "I love you", or call or write "I miss you" e-mails when we were apart, because I knew that it made him happy, not because I wanted to.

    You should do the same thing. There is no need for "How-to" manuals for relationships, just sincere communication.

    Suggest her to say what she needs him to do in order to make her happy. Not as an order, just this: "I would be happy if we (insert what she needs here)". Don´t use "you". He may react pointing one of her faults as well.

    Remember, we don´t do things if they don´t serve a particular purpose. We need a good reason, and, at least for me, my significant other´s happiness is more than a good one.
    Thank you for your suggestions! Good point with "We don't do things if they don't serve a particular purpose". It could be that he doesn't know how happy these little things make her feel. The problem is that sometimes NFs are like "If I have to tell you, it's not 'special' anymore" Ah, well, I guess communication is everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    That's a good one. Say "I love you" to them because it makes them happy, and because you love them. You're not doing it because you want to, but you're doing it because you love to see them happy. Still, I'd still do spontaneous stuff. If I really admire a woman I'm with, I won't hold back from constantly reminding her how much I adore her.
    ...
    Even when I was in a relationship with an ESFJ, she said I Love You about 50 times more than me. When she said it, I just acted like it didn't happen. I guess I'm the same as other ISTJs. If I love you, saying I love you is kind of redundant. However, I have no problem if I'm doing something with my SO that just surprises me about her or our feelings are at an all time high, then I'd say it, because I'd really mean it.
    Thanks for your input! The thing is they have known each other for 7 years now, so there isn't a lot of 'spontaneity' left. I know they care a lot about each other so I really hope it works out. Too bad they're both pretty stubborn people


    My best friend is an ISTJ, and she's very endearing in her own way and I really appreciate her dependability and her no-nonsense attitude to life

  3. #473
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    I just absolutely fail at Fe. It makes me horrible at initiating and maintaining relationships. Anything involving other people goes through the Te-Fi filter, and that weeds out *a lot* of everyday common stuff. I just don't believe in doing things in a relationship just because it should be done. I require sincerity.


  4. #474
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 21% View Post
    ...Also, is it unrealistic to ask ISTJs to show more affection and 'be romantic'? I know it's impossible to ask NFs to not show or want affection. Most of the time my sister's bf seems more puzzled and clueless about why she gets mad at him (because in his opinion, he is showing affection, but in his own way).
    Does she realize that? So he thinks he's being romantic or giving a good try at being romantic, and is confused why no one else seems to see it? I don't know how much he's really "trying" on that front; can't tell from your story.
    You can't spell "justice" without ISTJ.

  5. #475
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    I just absolutely fail at Fe. It makes me horrible at initiating and maintaining relationships. Anything involving other people goes through the Te-Fi filter, and that weeds out *a lot* of everyday common stuff. I just don't believe in doing things in a relationship just because it should be done. I require sincerity.
    I totally understand this. I'm in a relationship with an INFP and his Fi/Te ways confuse me sometimes. For us Fe people we need to show and receive affection constantly. It's not because it *should* be done. It's just how we say we care.


    Quote Originally Posted by Cimarron View Post
    Does she realize that? So he thinks he's being romantic or giving a good try at being romantic, and is confused why no one else seems to see it? I don't know how much he's really "trying" on that front; can't tell from your story.
    I don't know much about their interaction either. It just seems that they get into fights over something silly. I don't think it's because she's unaware of his effort -- just that they're wired so differently that it's hard to communicate affection.

    I think it's an Fe thing. With Fe we need a constant flow of communication (little texts, little notes, little phone calls, etc) and when that doesn't happen, it means something is wrong. You can't just rationalize it either. Without these little gestures, we feel neglected, even when we know the other party does care about you. However, I can imagine when you're not wired to expect and appreciate these 'gestures', it feels like you're being forced to do it to keep your SO happy.

    This is just hard

  6. #476
    this is my winter song EJCC's Avatar
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    How many flavors of ISTJ are there?
    ~ g e t f e s t i v e ! ~


    EJCC: "The Big Questions in my life right now: 1) What am I willing to live with? 2) What do I have to live with? 3) What can I change for the better?"
    Coriolis: "Is that the ESTJ Serenity Prayer?"



    ESTJ - LSE - ESTj (mbti/socionics)
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    want to ask me something? go for it!

  7. #477
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    the creampuff - this istj is a great organizer and does what he is told but is always nervous and not assertive or confident

    provolone - assertive, organized, successful, confident, but boring to 99% of the opposite sex

    nacho cheese - the technical oriented istj, confident, spends majority of days fiddling with electronic and computer devices

    caviar - successful, arrogant, disciplined, but not friendly. patronizing to others around them who don't meet their standards

    lettuce - typical istj, but found in most areas and does most busy work, reliable and useful but zero personality


  8. #478
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    the creampuff - this istj is a great organizer and does what he is told but is always nervous and not assertive or confident

    provolone - assertive, organized, successful, confident, but boring to 99% of the opposite sex

    nacho cheese - the technical oriented istj, confident, spends majority of days fiddling with electronic and computer devices

    caviar - successful, arrogant, disciplined, but not friendly. patronizing to others around them who don't meet their standards

    lettuce - typical istj, but found in most areas and does most busy work, reliable and useful but zero personality
    You forgot about Dark Chocolate ISTJ- Me.
    I'm smart, can have a good time, have a lot of confidence, and will make you laugh.

  9. #479
    Let's make this showy! raz's Avatar
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    Those don't exist.


  10. #480
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    Those don't exist.

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