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  1. #231
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by raz View Post
    I woke up this morning and made a list in my head of like 15 actions around the house to do in order to get done before I left so that I could get myself ready and then things to do before I left for work after my doctor's appointment. I automatically plan things out in my head for efficiency. Do as many things as I can at once or with the shortest time in between tasks. Mostly I do that because it feels good to be efficient and see the end result of that efficiency.
    I've begun to write out lists of what I want to do, and even prioritized. It started at work, but it has spilled over to home life too.

    And since SJs can get caught up in the present to the detriment of future stuff, I write out the long term stuff too, and see if there's anything I can do now to prepare for then.

    At first I scoffed at the idea, but it really works. It's still a work in progress, though. Until it becomes automatic, I have to force myself to write stuff down.

  2. #232
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by IZthe411 View Post
    How old are you both?

    Without getting too personal, What are his things that he wants you to change/compromise, and how did he react to your list?

    The above advice about directly talking, being straight up, serious, and curbing the emotion filled speech works in relationships too.
    We are both 33. Mature enough in ourselves and try to be with each other.
    We disagree on many many things but we do have common ground and get on very well for the most part. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and are engaged to be married. The things we disagree on just seem to go round and round and do not get resolved. There are some cultural differences (I'm English and he's Iranian) but not religious as we are both agnostic. He actually does not want to change too much about me but he asks that i spend less time on the computer and more time with him and he also asks for me to be calmer. He is not very happy with himself regarding the relationship and is big enough to admit that he hasn't been a very good partner.
    The main issues (for me) revolve around my feeling delegated to as though i am an assistant to him. I think it's just his (managerial) style of communication but i find it very frustrating as i am a very independant person. I have children from my previous relationship which he was aware of befor we got involved and we talked about that a lot. He still has difficulty relating to them and thinks i should be more strict where as i think he should relax more and actually spend some time with them. This is something we have addressed in our plan. We have also set aside time alone together to make a balance.
    The list i wrote was taken (semi) seriously and i feel an attitude of avoidance of the real issues, as i said he finds it difficult to admit to mistakes. Even when we were making our plan i found his role was still that of the organizer (of me). All this being said i do believe that, now we have made the plan, he will put the effort in as he is an honorable person who does not like to give up on anything, he certainly does not want to loose me.
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"

  3. #233
    Happy Dancer uumlau's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    to be fair, he WAS extremely evil

    the question: I can't figure out if my ex was an intj or istj upon reflection and when I tried to ask him he only wanted to discuss basketball and ignored me basically.

    to add a little background...

    He did have ideas about how to improve the future.... but they werent thought out very well... he wanted to shoot all the poor people to lower the poverty level for example.

    and he had a HORRIBLE/INSANE temper if that has anyyything to do with type, or can have to do with type?

    he never took the blame for anything, was somewhat manipulative and got very frustrated when people didn't understand him or agree.

    he didn't have a lot of friends... and was never happy with the friends he did have.

    any ideas? istj or intj??? anybodddy?/

    Quote Originally Posted by gigi_xo View Post
    I believe I've only dated NTs... until I thought more about this one... im really just curious.

    he was a jerk.

    more information... he was partly kidding about the shooting poor people. that was his sense of humor

    He did not play any sports besides being really bad at golf until he joined an inter mural soccer team which he also sucked at, but he made a fantasy baseball league and all their scores & stuff. dont know the details, he was very secretive.

    extremely judgmental, cold, insensitive, but this might be a bit of any cranky iXtj.

    does one type have a strong fi/fe than the other? Because when upset he would be completely emotional, irrational and vindictive.

    I would come up with random schemes that he would excitedly assist with, but I don't believe he made many of his own..
    IxTJ has very weak Fe, and only a mildly strong Fi, if that. The key part you're wondering about is the S or the N. You have, however, already determined the most vital aspect of his personality: he is a jerk.

    To a degree, xxTJs are "more likely to be jerks" but not in the way you might think. xxTJs are more likely to unintentionally be jerks, do to social cluelessness (low Fe).

    As for S vs N, there really isn't enough information, here. I don't think an INTJ would be quite so preoccupied with sports, but it's not unheard of. For S vs N, it's in the small things. When you spoke with him, did it feel like he was always right there with you, or did he seem to live "in his head"? That would be the main clue. Did he notice/remember really small details? Did he daydream a lot?

    That should get you started. Just remember that N or S, "JERK" is its own type, not an MBTI type.

  4. #234
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GemPOPGem View Post
    We are both 33. Mature enough in ourselves and try to be with each other.
    We disagree on many many things but we do have common ground and get on very well for the most part. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and are engaged to be married. The things we disagree on just seem to go round and round and do not get resolved. There are some cultural differences (I'm English and he's Iranian) but not religious as we are both agnostic. He actually does not want to change too much about me but he asks that i spend less time on the computer and more time with him and he also asks for me to be calmer. He is not very happy with himself regarding the relationship and is big enough to admit that he hasn't been a very good partner.
    The main issues (for me) revolve around my feeling delegated to as though i am an assistant to him. I think it's just his (managerial) style of communication but i find it very frustrating as i am a very independant person. I have children from my previous relationship which he was aware of befor we got involved and we talked about that a lot. He still has difficulty relating to them and thinks i should be more strict where as i think he should relax more and actually spend some time with them. This is something we have addressed in our plan. We have also set aside time alone together to make a balance.
    The list i wrote was taken (semi) seriously and i feel an attitude of avoidance of the real issues, as i said he finds it difficult to admit to mistakes. Even when we were making our plan i found his role was still that of the organizer (of me). All this being said i do believe that, now we have made the plan, he will put the effort in as he is an honorable person who does not like to give up on anything, he certainly does not want to loose me.
    I think the combination of his type, which is still clearly not defined by your descriptions, AND his cultural background. Have you and he discussed how women were considered in his culture and background? That could be it too.

    Like mentioned in the previous post, an IXTJ has weak Fi and an even weaker Fe. If he hasn't had it in practice thus far in life, now it is manifesting itself.

    One thing you did say up there, in that last paragraph, is that he 'doesn't like to give up on anything'. That an S trait. He might be an ISTJ, but he isn't an extreme S.

    I agree with uumlau, based on your situation, it's less of the S/N devide, and more of the regard his feelings and yours, Fi & Fe. At age 33, it's now or never for him to change his ways.

  5. #235
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GemPOPGem View Post
    We are both 33. Mature enough in ourselves and try to be with each other.
    We disagree on many many things but we do have common ground and get on very well for the most part. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and are engaged to be married. The things we disagree on just seem to go round and round and do not get resolved. There are some cultural differences (I'm English and he's Iranian) but not religious as we are both agnostic. He actually does not want to change too much about me but he asks that i spend less time on the computer and more time with him and he also asks for me to be calmer. He is not very happy with himself regarding the relationship and is big enough to admit that he hasn't been a very good partner.
    The main issues (for me) revolve around my feeling delegated to as though i am an assistant to him. I think it's just his (managerial) style of communication but i find it very frustrating as i am a very independant person. I have children from my previous relationship which he was aware of befor we got involved and we talked about that a lot. He still has difficulty relating to them and thinks i should be more strict where as i think he should relax more and actually spend some time with them. This is something we have addressed in our plan. We have also set aside time alone together to make a balance.
    The list i wrote was taken (semi) seriously and i feel an attitude of avoidance of the real issues, as i said he finds it difficult to admit to mistakes. Even when we were making our plan i found his role was still that of the organizer (of me). All this being said i do believe that, now we have made the plan, he will put the effort in as he is an honorable person who does not like to give up on anything, he certainly does not want to loose me.
    have you had him read or have you explained to him some of your type differences? that might help...understanding and then acceptance is essential for getting past issues, i think.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  6. #236
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    have you had him read or have you explained to him some of your type differences? that might help...understanding and then acceptance is essential for getting past issues, i think.
    What's up Lady X!

  7. #237
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    are you saying hi? or asking why no negativity there?
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  8. #238
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lady X View Post
    are you saying hi? or asking why no negativity there?
    I'm saying Hi

  9. #239
    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gerbah View Post
    In terms of preferred cognitive functions and all that, I'm pretty sure I'm an ISTJ. I have tested as INFP once but I think the test was very weighted on certain kinds of answers, so I think that was wrong.

    My personal theory as to why ISTJs are often misunderstood is that 1) we function in a certain way in relation to the external world, e.g. conscientious, dependable, etc. But this is just a working method for dealing with externalities. It's not a reflection of how we're feeling, what we're thinking or who we are on the inside. 2) The introversion: for me personally, how this manifests is that I'm emotionally guarded with people I don't know very well or don't trust. Other types seem to be comfortable exposing themselves even with people they don't know or don't like that much or can at least make the other one feel comfortable even so. I'm not good at that. I can't help it. It's nothing personal. It's just how my emotional system works. With people I love though, I'm very open and emotional and much more free. I'm also more open that I would be normally when I meet people I naturally click with.

    So I think the reason why people say ISTJs are boring, emotionally distant, cold, robots, etc. is because they are identifying the ISTJ too much with the outer functioning. Like a uniform, that's not me, it's just my job, and people who know me better are few and far between. This can be irritating for very image-conscious people to deal with.

    So when people don't get a certain emotional response that they're maybe normally used to and expect as normal social behaviour, they might assume that the ISTJ is through and through like that. Just blah and predictable. But it's not so simple.

    That said, with age and experience I've understood that people don't like to feel objectified, so I have learned to acquire certain social skills for dealing with people I'm not so close to, I just think it's not an ISTJ's natural gift.
    Thank you for providing this insight.

    I've personally never found ISTJs to be lacking in apparent depth or emotion. It's the Fi bubbling beneath the surface .

    I think many other types also wear the STJ uniform, as our working environment encourages S, T and especially Jness. It's quite possibly one of the reasons that many "ISTJs" seem to lack depth. After all, it's not their true type.

  10. #240
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sciski View Post
    After all, it's not their true type.
    Thank you. Exactly. They were just programmed that way.

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