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  1. #1
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    Smile ISTJs - Your thoughts on ESFPs

    ISTJs..

    What are your thoughts on ESFP's as romantic partners? If you've never had one, what would your perceptions/doubts/worries of that type of person be?

    Why ask?

    I've been dating an ISTJ for over year now. Having read your forums for the last hour, i can see that he's no exception: dutiful, meticulous about his efforts, peeved by people being late & bad grammar, drives super safe on the road, NOT a fan of spontaniety. (these examples kept coming up in the posts)
    He's also not very verbal about his affections for me, which i can handle, but would love to hear from him. Actions speak loud, but sometimes words speak louder. As S's, both ISTJ and ESFP love to live by "mean what you say". But how do i get him to start talking?

    Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.

    I'm an eccentric, loud, Russian born ball of chaos. I like variety. I eat something new every day. I redecorate my bedroom every six months. I like to travel. I speak four languages. etc etc etc. I want him to try new foods or go to a new restaurant.. etc, he refuses and cringes. So while i see the value in his rigid ways, (safety, security, familiarity, tradition).. I also see value in what I prefer. How do i find a common ground with him? He's more or less uncompromising. We're extreme J and P opposites.

    ALSO:
    Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
    How do i fix this??


    Anyway, rambling.
    In general I love the ISTJ.
    <3 Thoughts?
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

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  2. #2
    Senior Member 2XtremeENFP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post
    ISTJs..
    Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.
    I HEAR YA.

  3. #3
    Member Sam Spade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post

    Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.
    Wow. Is this typical for ISTJs? Because I'm the exact opposite of that. I'm extremely curious and love traveling.
    "Knights had no meaning in this game. It wasn't a game for knights."

  4. #4
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    maybe its typical for an insecure unstable ISTJ.
    and maybe i'm wrong but sadly am one of those girls who tries to 'help' and 'fix' someone. thus my MBTI interests.
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  5. #5
    Senior Member Habba's Avatar
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    He's also not very verbal about his affections for me, which i can handle, but would love to hear from him. Actions speak loud, but sometimes words speak louder. As S's, both ISTJ and ESFP love to live by "mean what you say". But how do i get him to start talking?
    I'm very unverbal about my feelings towards everyone. Luckily I'm surrounded by people who know that I speak through actions. I don't speak too much about how I feel about things for couple of reasons. Mainly I just feel that words are corny and inadequate to tell what I feel. And you shouldn't need to hear the things that you should be able to see and feel by yourself.

    You might also want to ask yourself why do you want to hear him talk about his affections for you, if you can already read them through his actions.

    He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc.
    Well, I don't like traveling myself either. What's the point? The world out there is just the same as the world right here. Everything I need, is right here, between my shoulders.

    secure and safe in his little world
    Doesn't sound too respectful of you to say it like this...

    Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
    Ermm... where's the logic in this?

    First you say you don't want to be a whiney girlfriend, but then you wait long enough for you to forget what it was all about and then you complain about it. If you have something to complain about, do it immediately (well, in some cases it might be wise to wait for a moment ) so that you both have a fresh view of what has happened.

    Most ISTJs I know feel bad if they have done something that upsets other people. However, most of the time they just aren't aware of that, and did whatever they did unintentionally. So speak up, and they'll be sorry.
    "The present is theirs; the future, for which I have really worked, is mine."
    -Nikola Tesla

  6. #6
    Twerking & Lurking ayoitsStepho's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by defragmybrain View Post


    ALSO:
    Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
    I relate more than you know to the whole 'having a problem, forgetting the proof.'
    It's so frustrating!!
    Quote Originally Posted by MacGuffin View Post
    ayoitsStepho is becoming someone else. Actually her true self, a rite of passage.

  7. #7
    Carerra Lu IZthe411's Avatar
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    Do you have a sister?

    I just finished a relationship with an ISFP, and if there was one thing about her I wish I could change is that she was an E. My older sister is an ESFP, and I think I would like what she offers as a mate. (In another person you cornballs!)

    I think you might be dealing with an extreme I.....I test very low I, sometimes, low E, in tests. My other 3 aspects are moderate to extreme.

    How old you are you and he? Maturity plays into it as well.

    One piece of advice I gave to another poster, is to be open with your feelings. Sure, he might get annoyed, but if he cares about you, he'll keep it in mind. If you are persistent enough, he'll really understand. Not only is he a man, but an ISTJ man. I think the risk of being perceived as a whiner is outweighed by your unhappiness.

    Can you get him to try things without actually telling him? Not saying being deceitful, but try to get him in situations where he has no choice but to go along with the fun. If you go to a restaurant where there's no burgers and fries, he will have to try something different. You feel me?

  8. #8
    Senior Member defragmybrain's Avatar
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    I'm 21. He's 26. I'd like to think we have a very mature relationship in that we discuss every single aspect of not only our problems but the dynamic between us.
    And yes - I have to be more open with him. I'm constantly afraid he'll cringe and shoot my feelings down, even if we've been together for so long.
    And yes - I took him to an indian restaurant where he literally did NOT know what to do with himself. He poked at the food for like fifteen minutes, something that more closely resembles chicken.. but overall he didn't regret the experience.
    In conclusion i guess there's alot of work to be done on his end... I'm trying to appear like 'we're in it together".
    - From your fun-loving ESFP.
    Se/Fi/Te/Ni, 44% E / 88% S / 62% F / 67% P

    http://badges.mypersonality.info/badge/0/18/182571.png

  9. #9
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Try building it up. I mean, the new experiences. I have an INTJ at home and although this isn't the same, he too likes to know what's coming. Nothing drives him for instance crazier than us having to be somewhere and he has no clue where it is and I do. And I won't tell him. The fact that he cannot monitor the process of getting there is just nerve-wrecking on him. Especially coz he knows i won't sweat the details and that might mean we get into a situation he, once again, isn't prepared for. He's learned to suffer through it, but it's the worst for him as he knows *nothing* and nothing is familiar.

    The best way to do it is build it up: I tend to experiment with food. I cannot stand constantly eating the same thing. Why don't you cook for him, at home, where he's comfortable and have him try new things. Mine actually likes me doing that, coz, although he's apprehensive about what I cook, he also has experienced that sometimes, it makes for some great new recipes, very yummy. Yesterday we did another experiment and he was...meh about it. But he went: 'It's ok, last time you absolutely nailed it. Can't always be completely right.' And if it really isn't eatable, he just reaches for the phone and orders in. That way he feels somewhat secure. Do this with every experiment. Don't toss him in, but change one thing at a time. Just one detail out of place. It might just spark his curiosity

    As for the feeling thing..one thing that made me fall in love with him was that he'd seen me emo-explode and stayed calm during. If I blow up, I know (unless he's stressed himself and even then), he'll be able to handle it. Coz he knows me. He knows that i don't mean it personally, but I just feel trapped and something's gotto give. As for telling him something I don't like, I just discuss it. I ask him why he does it. What his motivation is. And then I explain him how it affects me, without accusing him (unless I'm already annoyed, which he then again realizes isn't all his doing). He's smart enough to put two and two together. If I find his reasoning for the behavior to be valid enough, it'll take away the frustration automatically, and I won't mind him doing it in the future again. And he does the same with me. If I feel that he does that for a trivial reason and it really bugs me, he'll recognize that and accomodate me. Arguing is a way to sort out issues, before they become a mountain you don't know how to climb. Oh and my So also knows that if he dares to make a comment negatively about the fact that I'm being emotional, the door to communication closes and he gets a freeze-out. He also has no need to do this usually. Not considering my emotions = bye bye. I consider his as well (irritation, frustration, level of enjoyment, all those things that he's not that aware of but are important to his happiness ime). Same thing, I won't dismiss his logic just coz 'it doesn't feel right'. I'll try to figure out why it doesn't feel right and translate it into logic, so we can figure it out together. Respecting each others pov's and modus operandi is...vital
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  10. #10
    Senior Member Snow Turtle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sam Spade View Post
    Wow. Is this typical for ISTJs? Because I'm the exact opposite of that. I'm extremely curious and love traveling.
    The bubble is just bigger.

    We seek stability (tradition) in how we approach life and that can be living lifestyles deemed as unconventional by the majority if those are the values we wanted to adopt. Most of the time since SJs are brought up in specific stable environments. You won't really get extreme deviations from the 'norms' of society.

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